If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Last night I started a forum called "should the Star Wars prequels be remade." Naturally, because this site is awesome, it raised a heated, but civil argument. Most people said they believe that the prequels should never be remade. So I have decided to take you scene by scene, reason by reason why the prequels should not only be remade but things that could return the series to greatness. Let's start with episode 1 shall we. The things in red are bullshit, the things in blue are ways for the problem to be solved.
1. The Plot
The evil Trade Federation, led by Nute Gunray is planning to take over the peaceful world of Naboo. Jedi's Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi are sent to confront the leaders. But not everything goes to plan. The two Jedi's escape, and along with their new Gungan friend, Jar Jar Binks head to Naboo to warn Queen Amidala, but droids have already started to capture Naboo and the Queen is not safe there. Eventually they land on Tatooine, where they become friends with a young boy known as Anakin Skywalker. Qui-Gon is curious about the boy, and sees a bright future for him. The group must now find a way of getting to Coruscant and to finally solve this trade dispute, but there is someone else hiding in the shadows. Are the sith really extinct? Is the Queen who she really says she is? and what's so special about this young boy?
What it should have been
Being fed up with the peaceful, but unaggressive government of the Naboo, the southern part of the Naboo decides to separate and form a new planet called Geonosis. The Naboo try to make a deal but it goes sour. (I now this sounds like a lot of exposition but wait.) 2 Jedi are sent to help resolve things, but when they board the ship no one is there. Qui Gon finds plans to murder the queen of Naboo. The Jedi rush back to the planet to help but it's no use, the queen is dead, we then meet Padme, who is holding her dead mother in her arms, but she has little time to mourn as the droids are on the verge of attacking the castle. The group narrowly escape. We then get a scene of Nute Gunray telling Sidius they have escaped. Sidius then instructs his apprentice Darth Maul to hunt down and murder the queen, but Darth Maul is more fixated on killing the Jedi (we find out why later.) We then get a scene of the Jedi on the ship talking to the tearful queen about a last desperation chance to save her planet. This chance is an army, a clone army. The ship then need a repair and is forced to land on Tattoine.
So there is my simple premise, if you're pissed of already then don't leave because we are just getting started I bring up a lot of problems in just a minute.
2. Anakin Skywalker
Anakin first appears as a selfless nine-year-old boy. Anakin and his mother, Shmi, are slaves in the service of Watto, a junk dealer. Anakin can build or repair nearly anything, evidenced by the creation of his own protocol droid, C-3PO, and pod racer, each from salvaged parts. He is also a remarkable pilot with quick reflexes.
Anakin Skywalker should be a 14-15 YEAR OLD BOY who is scared. He has seen his mother beaten, he has scars on his face and back from being whipped. He becomes so excited at the possibility of leave Tattoine. He tells Obi Wan about his dreams and talks about not even being noticed, laughed at, poverty stricken and beaten. Obi Wan is moved to the point where he convinces Qui Gon to take Anakin with him. Anakin's mother, near death is unable to go with them. Anakin then meets Padme, they develop a RELASTIC RELATIONSHIP where they are not only physically attracted to each other but understand each other's pain, both having been forced into an unwanted life. They eventually fall in love but I will save that for later.
3. The relationships between Anakin, Obi Wan and Qui Gon
Qui Gon and Obi Wan don't have a relationship, Obi Wan is annoyed by Anakin, Qui Gon goes GAGA over Anakin.
Qui Gon and Obi Wan should have a father son relationship, despite some mild arguments they really do love each other (no homo.) Obi Wan should build a strong relationship with Anakin, feeling sympathy for him and becoming friends. They both respect each other and become good friends. He shows them to the council. Yoda says that there is too big a risk to train someone with so much power. Obi Wan takes him under his wing and trains him.
4. Darth Maul is the villain. No more, no less.
Darth Maul was a cool character with a great design, but we knew NOTHING about him. Darth Maul should be someone who was a former friend of Qui-Gons. But much like Anakin, Maul was brought to the dark side. After overhearing a attempt to overthrow the republic, Qui Gon tells the council. Maul is then burnt alive in secrecy and brought back to life. He then paints his face to cover the burn and he is given the award only given to someone who has been resurrected. This award is a duel sided light saber.
5. The Ending
While the inept Jar Jar leads his people in a battle against the droid army and the Queen moves in to capture Viceroy Gunray in Theed, Anakin commandeers a vacant star fighter and joins the dogfight against the Federation droid control ship in space, using his skills with the Force to destroy it, which deactivates the entire droid army. The Jedi, meanwhile, encounter Darth Maul once more and engage him in a two-on-one light saber duel. Qui-Gon is killed in the battle, but Obi-Wan manages to kill the Sith apprentice. Senator Palpatine is elected as the new Supreme Chancellor, the Federation Viceroy is sent to stand trial for his crimes, and the Jedi Council reluctantly allows Anakin to become Obi-Wan's apprentice. At a grand ceremony, Queen Amidala presents a gift of appreciation and friendship to the Gungan people.
Phantom Menace should be an underdog story, the small people of the Naboo against the huge droid army while Obi Wan and Qui Gon fight Darth Maul. Anakin tries to fight off the droids from the air to take back the castle. Yoda (only using the force, not a light saber) and the other Jedi fight off the droids.
Qui Gon is murdered and Obi Wan goes wild attacking Maul but Maul still defeats Obi Wan, the Jedi storm the castle before Obi Wan is killed. Maul escapes. Obi Wan is crushed at the sight of Qui Gons dead body. After the bittersweet victory Anakin consoles Padme and the two kiss. Yoda explains to Obi Wan that the droids will keep attacking the republic and the Army needs to consider starting a full on war. In the final scene Anakin is taken to courasant and is shown the Armastad or "The tower or peace." It's a building made with two layers, one being the Republic government the other being the Jedi council. Obi Wan tells Anakin that he needs to grow up fast because the Jedi may soon be going to war. Anakin nods and smiles, Obi Wan and Anakin look out into the sunset and........ iris out.
KEEP IN MIND THIS IS AN OUTLINE, THERE IS NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH HEAR TO MAKE A FEATURE FILM.
1. The Plot
Set 10 years after the events in "The Phantom Menace". After an assassination attempt on the life of Senator Padme Amidala, Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Padawan learner Anakin Skywalker are sent to investigate. After tracking down the assassin, she is killed before any information can be driven out of her. The two Jedi are then sent on two different missions, Anakin is sent to Naboo with Padme and Obi-Wan is sent to the planet of Kamino where he will investigate the assassination attempts. Little does he know, he is investigating some of the biggest events of the Star Wars saga, as he finds out that there is a connection between the assassination attempts and a separatists movement led by a former Jedi against the Republic. The Galactic Republic finds itself at the brink of a civil war.
Set 3 years after Phantom Menace the film opens with the clone army being sent in. Padme, now a very important senator is forced into hiding to discuss the possibility of war. Anakin stays behind. He is being trained by Obi Wan. Chancellor Palpatine, who is now gaining power gives Obi Wan and Anakin a mission to find Darth Maul, who has been killing Jedi since being discovered. Obi Wan, who is trying to get revenge for Qui Gon's death says yes. Obi Wan is captured by Darth Maul and taken hostage.
2. The relationships
Anakin and Obi Wan constantly bicker at one another.
While hunting Darth Maul, Obi Wan and Anakin build a strong relationship. Palpatine and Anakin become great friends with Obi Wan gone. Anakin becomes best friends with a fellow Jedi, Kit fitso. This becomes very important in Episode 3
3. The love story
C'mon, do I even need to explain this one.
Padme consoles Anakin with Obi Wan gone. Anakin takes her up to the Armastad and explains how every memory is stored there. Its shield is absolutly impenetrable. Eventually Anakin and Padme start to fall for each other because they love each other for the people they are, not their looks.
4. The Ending
A GIANT CLUSTER FUCK OF CGI SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the hours before Maul threatens to kill Obi Wan, the clones finally attack. Anakin fight Darth Maul while the building is being burnt to the ground Obi Wan and Anakin escape. Maul is burnt again. The film ends with a scene of Anakin and Padme tying the knot.
1. The plot
The clone wars is near an end, Obi-wan and Anakin have been called to Coruscant which has been invaded by General Grievous and has abducted the Chancellor. As General Grievous tries to escape, Obi-wan and Anakin attempt to board Grievous' ship to rescue the Chancellor. If they fail then it could mean an end to the republic.
The film opens with a huge action scene that ends with the Chancllor being captured by general grievous. Obi Wan and Anakin end up saving the Chancellor and defeating Grievous. Grievous tells Anakin that the war is far from over. Later Mace Windu finds out about the Anakin/ Padme relationship. Mace is incredibly upset and asks Anakin for 2000000 republic credits to not tell the Jedi. The next day Anakin find his friend Kit Fisto murdered. He sees a video (fake of course) of the Jedi planning on destroying Anakin. Thus turning Anakin to the Dark side.
2. Turn to the dark side.
He has dreams.
The performance of Anakin Skywalker should be an OSCAR WORTHY PERFORMANCE, He is someone wrapped with pain. He should do some really fucked up shit. He should capture Mace Windu and force him the watch the Armastad be blown to pieces, eventually collapsing. Anakin just smiles as children scream and burn.
3. General Grievous
Who was that again?
Big twist: General Grievous is revealed to be Darth Maul, living off a robot suit.
4. The ending
Remember the really bad scene at the end with Anakin and Padme? That should have been the most emotionally powerful scene in the movie. Anakin explaining all the things he has done for her and her (having already given birth) saying she can't love a monster. Obi Wan shows up and they engage in a huge battle inside a building in Mustafar, Anakin lowers the shields. The building collapses and ends on top of a hill. Anakin's legs are cut off. Obi Wan gives his "you were the chosen one" speech. He tries to save Anakin but he tries to commit suicide in the volcano. Padme commits suicide, Palpatine saves him, and creates Darth Vader then the most bad-ass line of the movie is given.
DARTH VADER: Where is Padme? Is she safe, is she all right?
DARTH SIDIOUS: I'm afraid she died. ... it seems in your anger, you killed her.
Darth Vader: Good.
After a couple of scenes the movie's last 2 scenes are Obi Wan at Padme's funeral. When everyone is gone Obi Wan sees a picture of Padme that is framed. He breaks the frame and unfolds the picture reveling Anakin with her. Obi Wan starts to cry. The movie ends with Obi Wan giving the Lars family Luke, the final lines are given.
Owen: We will take care of him.
Obi Wan: He's our last hope, a lone hope, A NEW HOPE
(shot of the sunset and................ iris out.)
In conclusion, I love Star Wars and I don't want my final memories of a series that defined my childhood to be memories of disappointment, you might not want to suffer again but in the right hands, the caring hands, the hands of someone who knows what they are doing, they could not only make films we cherish, but films that really do belong in a galaxy far, far away.
The End Thank you for reading.