Anyone who knows me is aware of how big of a nerd I am when it comes to the canine species (nothing sexual, promise). The instant I see one of the lovely four-legged pups, I immediately turn into the biggest girly girl there is, screaming “PUPPERS!” as loud as I can. So, one could imagine how extremely excited I was to see Bolt, Disney’s latest dynamic doggy dude.

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Sometimes, however, my brain has a hard time focusing on things non-horror after I write one of my Broad of the Dead pieces, and I thought of something sort of, well…different. For whatever reason, I thought of the movie Cujo and wondered what it would be like if Disney remade it. Disney is pretty much the anti-horror, so I thought this could get interesting and ran with it, compiling mini synopses of the new, updated Disney versions of classic killer animal movies. If you have a good one to share, I’d love to hear!

P.S. - Many, many thanks to Korey for the amazing posters!


Disney’s Anaconda

Andy the Anaconda just wants to get along with everyone, but they want nothing to do with him because he “hugs too hard.” It seems our pal Andy is doomed to be alone for a long time until he meets a beautiful girl, Terri (Jennifer Lopez), who is on assignment with National Geographic. When the bad guy in the group, Paul (Jon Voight), is discovered poaching critters in the jungle, Terri and Andy team up to save them before it’s too late. Andy becomes the beloved hero of the jungle and, not being able to wrap himself all the way around Terri's voluptuous bum, learns to hug gently. Lopez, also known for her music career, is the brains behind the soundtrack as well, which features a duet with J-Lo and Andy singing their version of Kool & The Gang’s “Jungle Boogie.”


Disney’s The Birds

The Crows from Dumbo are not happy about the reputation they earned in the film and are destined to make themselves known for greatness, rather than the jive-talking, black stereotypical characters they played previously portrayed. This time they're hip hop, street wise, b-boy dancing crows!

While on their way to New York City for a breakdancing competition, they group takes a wrong turn and finds themselves in a small, all-white conservative town. At first the town is threatened by their urban culture and the influence their 'street ways' has on the local birds. In the end, however, the birds get together and throw down in a big dance off that teaches the townsfolk how to loosen up and party. A Hitchcock classic given a hip-hop twist!


Disney’s Grizzly Man

Timothy Treadwell has grown tired of big city life and retreats to the woods to be alone. When a group of bears looking for food intrude on his solitude, Treadwell decides to make the most out of it and the bunch quickly become friends. The bears keep him company and, in return, Treadwell repays them by stealing picnic baskets to satisfy their hunger. Years go by and the bears grow tired of Treadwell droning on and on about his failed acting career. They now want to kill him. The leader of the pack, Buddy the bear, pulls him aside and says 'Timothy, I love you like a son but you've got to go back to the city where you belong. Before we eat you." Timothy runs like hell.


Disney’s Jaws

Jaws wants help to fight off his people addiction, so he enlists his cousin, Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo, to help him. Bruce, who we all know is a recovering fish addict, helps Jaws solve his problem by attending support groups and the two become closer than ever, replacing their dirty habits with the strong friendship they now have. The picture ends with a Jaws and Bruce montage of their favorite post-addiction hobbies set to the tune of "Best Friend" by Harry Nilsson.


Disney’s Willard

Willard (Crispin Glover) is doing all he can to try to make ends meet, but when his boss, Frank Martin (R. Lee Ermey), fires him, he is stuck with his sick mother’s hospital bills and other house debts. Willard becomes friends with the rats he finds in his house, led by the lovable rodent Ben. They decide to not only help him get the money he needs to keep his mother and his household alive, but to teach the evil boss a lesson by setting up a series of Home Alone-like booby traps. After the obstacles are completed, Frank Martin realizes he’s done wrong and gives Willard his job back. He even let's the rats stay!


Disney’s The Ghost in the Darkness

After years of exile, the evil lion we know from The Lion King, Scar, plans his revenge against his nephew Simba by forming an unlikely alliance with a human, the 'Great White Hunter' (Michael Douglas), who frames the lion for the murder of local railway workers. All seems lost until Simba's cubs befriend a human soldier (Val Kilmer) who not only becomes their 'Great White Hope'.


Disney’s Cujo

Cujo loves his Coca-Cola, but when his owner, Brett Camber (Billy Jacoby) sees the soda foam left on his mouth, he panics, thinking the dog has contracted an illness, and sends him to the pound. Cujo makes it his mission to break out and prove to Brett, his one true friend, and the other townspeople that he’s not sick but rather loves the bubbly goodness! Sure enough, after a doctor checks him out, Cujo is returned to Brett, who treats him to his favorite delight: a Coca-Cola float!