If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Hmm.... *looks at the poster again* I should make it rather clear right now that this is not my territory of film or literature. Sure, I'm a bit of a geek and a bit of a Brony too (yes, I admit that with no shame at all), but this? Nope, this really encapsulates all the wrong ways to speak to the teenage girl audience. I can say this with absolute confidence after seeing Part I of this franchise's climax tonight, even reading the book and listening to the Spill review, I was still not prepared for the onslaught that ensued once I sat in my seat. Though it is not the worst film of the year by a long distance, it may well be the most interesting fil of the year. Although, not for the reasons the director had in mind.
To start entering into more detail, let's begin with the screening itself, which was packed. I mean, on the levels which I saw for the likes of Harry Potter on opening night, and I saw this on a Monday night. It's baffling to think that after three films, the audience this series appeals to has stuck with it. But, after a long wait and five minutes delay, I got my seat, and sat down to watch... a wedding? Well, okay, Bella Swan and Edward seem to be finally tying the knot, but right from the get-go, issues with the films begin to seep out from the screen and begin rattling at my senses. But, that is for another paragraph, I still need to tell the story to you.
In essence, Bella is finally seeing her dreams come true, as she marries Edward, with the prospect of becoming a vampire just as he is, and spending eternity by his side. Their marriage is still seen by some as going against the rules and codes, but the Cullen family has accepted Bella in. After a long honeymoon of.... chess and rampant sex (yay teen film rating!) Bella becomes pregnant, something none of the family thought could happen. The effects of which not only begin to eat at her physically and mentally, but also anger the outside community, seeing the baby as a "monster". They struggle to save Bella, as well as the baby, while holding off what seems as an imminent attack from the werewolves.
But trust me guys, it is by no means as fun as that sounds. At all.
First of all, the wedding, where do I even begin with this? It's an enormous mix of bad jokes, awkward moments, and very poor camerawork. Bella begins by flirting with Edward about him being nervous of becoming a husband, and then, she herself walks down the aisle like she wet herself. Which is then followed by them lovingly staring into each other’s eyes and sharing an uncomfortably long kiss. And that is just two minutes from a 30 minute wedding segment. Nothing has any flow, the sticking points of each seen are as obvious as masking tape, and the mood and tempo varies so wildly, it's impossible to settle at all.
Then, in comes Jacob to the equation, his entry is so significant that it makes one character storm out in hatred... a character we never hear of again in the whole film. Which is followed by the bride sharing a slow and loving dance with the wolf-boy, and Edward seems to have no problem with his enticing of his wife. I just don't see how ANY couple, would allow a friend that close into their relationship without calling it weird. Bella is being the cock-tease from New Moon, and Edward is being too cowardly, accepting what Bella wants and letting her go with it. He is, in the technical terminology, a total woos.
Dammit, I'm going off course here, I need to get back on track. Sorry for this, but there are just so many issues it's hard to single them out. Another major aspect is within the songs used in the film, they are used all the time. Irrelevant on it being a moment of romance, action, emotional anger, travelling, a monologue, it's always paired with a song. And at some points, three or four songs could follow right after each other. It all feels like total time-wasting, the scenes don't add to the character development, don't have an emotional attachment, don't even further the story very much. This film could be 30 minutes shorter, easily. It does nothing but give eye candy and a soft melody to the girls in the audience, the idea of which I find appalling.
Returning to the whole story itself, it's essentially a romance based around pregnancy, with some outside attacks from those who oppose what the family, and Bella herself, are putting themselves through. But this along with the wedding is stretched out over almost 90 minutes, without ANYTHING happening. I am not kidding around or emphasising for dramatic effect, if you have read the book, the first hour-and-a-half will be white bread to you; it is utterly drab and dreary. Even the sex scene is completely wrong, mainly because the rating inhibited any kind of sex to be seen at all, but mostly because it all felt so awkward. Something not helped by some truly dreadful editing that carries on through the whole film. Sequences crash into one another hideously, for a perfect example, watch closely the applause sequence after Bella and Ed kiss at the altar. It is gloriously bad.
It is so hard at times to understand why we are even supposed to like these characters. Bella is so distant and will never speak to Edward directly, instead just moodlily staring off into space until someone comes along to fix her problem. And Edward is, as I said, a woos. He barely ever shows initivitve, and the film blatently calls him out as the reason for Bella getting pregment, and then spends an hour making him look like a criminal. Hmm... a bit of a film's agenda perhaps??
I could go on really.... and I shall. The CG to the wolves looks worse than the previous film, like they dragged the exact same models from 2009, and dropped them in here. Edward's story of lusting for human blood at the beginning is never touched on again, Bella's indifference to Ed hurting and bruising her in sex is a worrying sign of ADD, Jacob is illustrated to be the prominent man for Bella during her pregnancy, and then instantly turns his back on her ten minutes later. The acting is almost like porcelain, with no emotional input whatsoever, and the ending of Bella giving birth, well.... defies all manner of logic and belief. I'm sorry, but if that happened to even the strongest-willed girl, she’d bleed to death within a minute. Edward eating her out, literally, was just ridiculous, a point at which many in the theatre burst out laughing at.
So, are there any positive points to this film at all? Well.... strangely, there is. And it's a biggie, because despite the woeful acting and editing, I laughed my ass off at this film, and so did many others in the theatre too. There are many points throughout Breaking Dawn that are so terrible, they had me cracking up. A classic point was when Jacob first discovers that Bella is pregnant, he dramatically turns and points to Edward saying, "You did this, didn't you?!!!"
Umm... well, he is her husband, dog-breath, of course he did!
It was scenes like those that kept me watching it, and I haven’t even mentioned the mind-reading speeches by the wolves. Pure, hilarity. This is the kind of film you could go see with your friends, sit in the back of the theatre, and just have fun poking fun at it. It is a magnificent failure, maybe not on the same level as films like The Room, but still worth a look.
But, it is still complete garbage; the girls who go see this and love it will no doubt look back in five years and wonder how on Earth they caught onto it at all. There are so much better romance and vampire stories out there, and Breaking Dawn is certainly not going to add any starts t the Twilight franchise. There is one tiny... miniscule glint of hope though; Part II should at least be a big war battle.
With that said, this is still Some Ol' Bullshit (3/10) and is a sad representation of today's young people. The fact that this is the type of romance that they will be looking up to and aspiring to is just depressing, how are Edward or Bella even likable characters at all? I really do hope some book or film comes along and shows how the vampire genre should really be told with a love story intertwined, the gauntlet is set Hollywood.
Thanks for reading! ^__^