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Transformers Revenge of the Fallen is one of the worst action movies I have ever seen in my entire life. How do you fuck up a concept this simple? Robots beating the shit out of each other should’ve been awesome, yet dumbass Michael Bay found a way to fuck it up beyond belief.
Now, before I delve into this giant… Clusterfuck, let’s go back in time to 2009, an eager 12 year old who is one of the biggest Transformers fans in his school is going to see the sequel to what he considered a fun movie, Michael Bay’s Transformers. He’s wearing a shirt that has Optimus Prime on it, all he wants is to watch a movie about giant robots beating the living fuck out of each other with his father, he isn’t expecting… fucking Shakespeare here. When he watches the movie, instead of getting a dumb fun movie, he gets a movie with racial stereotypes, dogs humping each other twice, lame jokes, terrible action scenes, lame effects, overlong runtime, and about a thousand other annoyances. When the movie is finally over, he turns to his dad and says “What the fuck was that?!” Now instead of slapping him for using such language, the father says “I know right!” That little kid… was me. The reason I told you this story is to disprove those retarded assholes who say “Aw Peter, what did you want. Just turn your brain off and try to have fun, it isn’t supposed to be deep” so no fuck you, I went into this movie expecting an entertaining good summer film, and that isn’t what I got so I have a right to be pissed off.
I’m supposed to give you guys a synopsis of the plot of this movie, but… there isn’t one! I could copy and paste a synopsis from IMDB, but let’s be honest here this shit doesn’t make any fucking sense! WOW! Michael Bay has managed to make a movie that is something ridiculous, something like 2 hours and forty-minutes where nothing fucking happens! NOTHING! There are dozens if not hundreds of plot holes in this piece of shit movie, but I don’t have time to list them all… no wait yes I do. Let’s list some of them right now.
*Why does no one know about the transformers when they fight in a massive city?
*How come only a prime can defeat the fallen?
* How come the military left the allspark remnant undefended?
* Why doesn’t Sam want bumblebee after he just saved his fucking life moments ago? Why can’t Megan Fox act worth a damn?!
*How come Jetfire has the ability to teleport when no one else does?
* Why does Michael bay think we give a fuck about the human characters?!
* Where was that place where the fallen was on? Was it an asteroid?
*How come the military couldn’t contact their troops in Egypt when a fucking diplomat could talk to command... from Egypt! If the fallen is so powerfulwhy did he have to revive Megatron? Is he just lazy, he could’ve clearly killed optimus by himself?
*It’s been shown how untrustworthy and power hungry Megatron is the fallen stupid.
*How come Jetfire has a beard?
*Why did the Decepticons kidnap Sam’s annoying ass parents?
*And since when could Transformers transform into hot chicks? But one of the biggest problems I have with the movie is the racist pair of ghetto bots named Skids and Mudflaps, if you are black you should be offended by these two, because I’m not black and I’m offended. They talk in slang that black people haven’t used in decades! Like “Hey dude! Let’s fuck up some shit due! Stop being such a pussy. Yo dude!” And “Man, come on motherfucker! Let’s go dog!” They are the equivalent of two Jar Jar Binks’. And we have to spend the whole fucking movie with them! No, you don’t get to spend the movie with Optimus Prime, Jetfire, or Ratchet, instead you get to spend the movie with the most racist personas I have seen since Jar Jar Binks. And speaking of annoying…
The characters in this movie are fucking annoying. Why do we need human characters in a fucking Transformers movie? Why?! They serve no purpose in the context of the plot. Why do we need Megan Fox? I’m going to disprove of all those guys who says “Well she’s hot, so you shouldn’t mind” and “Real men like Megan Fox” Anybody who says these things is a fucking idiot that should be tortured beyond belief for their sheer stupidity. I don’t need Transformers to show me hot girls! I could go on the internet and download that type of shit for free, and it’ll probably have more of a plot to it than Revenge Of the Fallen. So to those who go to Transformers movies to see Megan Fox and hot girls: Please for fucks sake, grow up.
All that Megan Fox does in this movie is say stupid shit like “Oh Sam, I’ll never leave you Sam” (Which apparently she did, loll) or “We are in this together Sam” I mean cut me a fucking break, in the first movie it was sort of a believable romance cause they treated it sort of like a play thing, and didn’t seem all to serious about it. And they never said such stupid romantic lines before, at least not to the point where it would annoy me. Here, I literally kept saying in my head “You dumb bitch, please shut up and get to the robots already.” Shia LeBouf shows here just how annoying he can be in this movie, cause he never shuts his fucking mouth, and I don’t blame him, blame whoever wrote the script. All he does in this movie is talk really fast and scream really loud. And what purpose does Shia’s roommate serve? Why is he there? He does nothing but whine and bitch trough out the whole fucking movie. For fucks sake, they have managed to make his character more annoying than John Turturro!
And they add in way too many new robots, it gets to the point where I can’t tell the difference between them anymore cause they all look the fucking same. All of them are a grey color except for Optimus Prime who is red, The Fallen who is blue, Bumblebee who is yellow, and Mudflap and Skids who are green and red. I mean, they introduce like 30 new Decepticons and you learn the names of like 5 of them. If you had trouble following the first movie, well let’s just say as someone who was able to follow the first one, I couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on. I think that this also leads into my next paragraph which is…
Transformers Revenge Of the Fallen contains some of the worst actions scenes I have ever seen. I mean seriously, Uwe Boll would watch Revenge Of the Fallen, to feel better about himself. Every action scene is shot too close, to frantic, and in such weird angels that it is impossible to tell what the fuck is going on. I compare it to if in the first Matrix during the lobby shootout scene someone took a tree and covered the screen so that you couldn’t tell what the fuck was happening.
I also hate this films sense of humor, I mean Michael Bay just isn’t funny. In fact they are actually kind of embarrassing, it’s like South Park if you took out EVERYTHING that made South Park good and funny you would most likely end up with this. Like the scene where Shia’s character’s annoying mom eats a bunch of brownies that contain drugs and she goes around being all high and shit and making unfunny jokes, I literally face palmed during that scene. If you found anything in this movie funny, shame on you, SHAME ON YOU!
Oh and a little side-question here, why are all the girls at the college campus hot? I mean I’m not saying I don’t like hot chicks, I love them, but like I said before, it gives me the impression that Michael Bay believes that the only way teenagers will go to see his movies is if he puts hot girls everywhere and it just comes off to me as him being desperate and just plain stupid, Like he probably realized how much money he blew into this (around 200 million if I’m not mistaken) and that if this bombed (Which it should have) he would be fired, so he added in the hot girls so that dumbass teenagers with hormone issues would be tricked into seeing it. And where did all that money go anyway? Definitely not to the effects, they’re horrible, the transformers look like junk just crushed together and they look so fake to me that I know it didn’t go there, at least I hope it didn’t. I’m thinking that it went to the marketing, that’s probably why this movie was successful. That money could have gone to the poor, or to the homeless or something, anything but this.
Michael Bay also manages to rip off shit from tons of other sci-fi movies , and not in a good way in way where you go “Aw fuck, really?” Take a wild guess where Michael Bay got the idea of a hot robot alien girl (cough*Species*cough). He even rips off the first film for god’s sake! I’m surprised that no one pointed this out, but remember in the first movie when they call in the bombing run on Scorponok and it has the camera pans behind the bomber gunship, I swear that when they call in the bombing run on the Devastator which is this big robot with balls, ha ha Michael Bay, very funny, (Wait, wasn’t Devastator that big tank that was killed in the last movie? Did anybody care to watch the first movie before writing the fucking script?) and they use the exact same angle and shot to the point where I swear that they just reused that reel. Transformers Revenge Of the Fallen is one of the worst movie sequels I have ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot. Michael Bay really dropped the ball on this one, hell even Michael Bay and Shia Lebouf think that Revenge Of The Fallen is crap, no one can defend this turd of a film after even the director and the main star call it crap. All copies of this movie should be burned on sight.