Taken from www.lifeaccordingtoripa.com

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Starring: Shia Labeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson

Director: Michael Bay

Oh Mr. Bay, there are certain things that you are so good at. Unfortunately one of those things is telling a decent story (or a unique one for that matter) and creating characters that your audience cares about. The third installment of your adrenaline fueled robot war saga offers yet another iteration of the story you’ve been skidding by with since the original. Sure you overload with the robot carnage at the end of your film but that doesn’t make up for over an hour of your main characters screaming and whining on camera next to a 100 foot alien Dodge Camero.

Now with two diverted global disasters under his belt, the fast talking yet perpetually pissy Sam Witwicky (Labeouf) finds he is unable to land a steady day job. He struggles with trying to make himself “matter” in the world again, and yet is somehow oblivious to the fact that he lives with his incredibly sexy British girlfriend Carly (Huntington-Whiteley) free of charge. I don’t know what his secret is but if I had a hand in saving 6 billion sorry asses twice I would make a trophy wife out of that smoking hot lady and retire on the government’s dime to some island. F**k a recession, pay me. So while Sam is going through his quarter life crisis for the first hour of the movie the Autobots are doing black ops missions all over the world searching for a Decepticon threat that dates back to space race. Does that sound familiar? Like in the first film when they built the Hoover Dam to conceal Megatron? Or Revenge of the Fallen where transformers were hiding death rays in the pyramids? Yet every time the government hears about alien robots they seemed to be surprised. The movie bounces loosely between these two storylines until Optimus travels to the moon and finds the body of Sentinel Prime (voice of Leonard Nemoy) who was captain of the Autobots before him. The next hour of the movie plays out like the hostile alien takeover we’ve all been waiting for. Now the small group of Autobots along with the help of verterans Lennox and Epps (Duhamel, Gibson) must tackle an army and save us while simultaneously smashing though downtown Chicago with no regard for human life.

If there is one thing Michael Bay can do is direct action, as is apparent in the elaborate fight sequences and set pieces. The visual effects were almost indistinguishable, but the 3D effects were well intended but ultimately nothing special, and the whole movie smelled of lazy writing. When Optimus Prime is on screen he smashes every Decepticon into recyclables so unimaginative ideas are formed to incapacitate him during a fight. One particular set piece involving a falling skyscraper would have been awesome if I cared about the people in it. It sucks to see movie fall flat when it has so many ingredients to be more than its predecessors. There’s great source material involving interplanetary robot civil war, you have the hottest cars and even hotter female characters, there is even Leonard freaking Nimoy! (Who delivers a line that must have made him say “You’re f**king kidding me right?” in the recording booth) But instead you populate your movies with enough slow motion to make Zack Snyder bust a nut, jokes that come off as perverted robot humor of comedy geared toward a much younger audience delivered by pointless characters (Both human and robot), and terrible cameos from A List actors like John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsy, and second man on the moon Buzz Aldren, Seriously?

I wanted to so much for this one to rise above the rest of the franchise, but the hands involved in making it just can’t stop from shoving the same tired material down our throats. I would wait to rent this movie for the spectacle only. If you like watching action figures being smashed against wall you’ll probably love this film. Just don’t expect Oscar calibur.

Final Score 2/5