If it's crap ... We'll tell you
This is MAK2.0 (aka HybridMedia) and this is my short review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
Well, what'cha say......about Michael Bay? When you want explosions, action scenes, and hot women, he is the go-to guy. If you also want story and a plot, go to another guy.
As for first two, I'll say this. Transformers 1 was alright, I didn't hate it nor like it, but i was a casual filmgoer and I did spot some annoying habits upon that movie, especially from the Autobot Jazz, although he didn't annoy me as much as those 2 robots in the second movie. I didn't expect any riveting performances but it was still kinda enjoyable.
Now, Transformers 2........yeah, that was godawful. Everytime we get into an action scene, it was either shaky cam and distorted, which can really make you dizzy and disoriented. The infamous autobots Skids and Mudflap are forever known as the most hated characters in movie history up par to Jar Jar Binks. I get that Jazz was acting too black, but myself being black, I would tolerate Jazz better than those useless robots cause at least Jazz was kinda useful in the fights, even though he died in the first one.
Transformers 3 got some things right. The annoying parents aren't used that much and that were really annoying in the second one, no racist n****-bots and the frat boy humor isn't used that much.
Now the plot (or whatever) started with the planet Cybertron blown to shit and being connected to the 1961 moon landing by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. But fuck all that!!! Let's get to Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) and his new hot piece of a--I mean, sex obj--,I mean, girlfriend Carly, played by Rosie Huntington-Whitley, who is a Victoria's Secret model with no acting experience and that's it. (Also, she is dating The Transporter, Jason Statham, in real life.) Apparently, after Sam was given a medal by President Obama, that is when they meet. So, why did what's-her-face from the last two movies dump him? Who knows and who cares? (Well, we all know what happened). Also, I don't think a panties close-up is a subtle way to introduce a new character we know nothing about. You might as well just picture this.....
But then again, I forgot who directed this.
Now the Autobots assist the US military preventing any terrorist attack or something, whatever. When Optimus Prime, or Robo-Jesus, discovers a fuel cell which leads to Sentinel Prime, which you know is voice by Leonard Nimoy. It was obvious considering they brought out not-that-subtle hints of Star Trek earlier. While the exciting stuff is happening, Sam goes on job interviews and it was quite boring and the other human characters are either wasteful, boring, or just being a bitch. The latter goes to Frances McDormand. Ken Jeong, who plays a character named Jerry Wang (that's right, Jerry Wang) is mainly a 5-minute cameo and that's it. He's gone. John Malkovich plays one of the annoying characters in the movie and at least, he was in the whole movie and speaking of annoying, guess who's back. John Turturro as Agent Simmons and a new character, a gay stereotypical butler/assistant Dutch played by Alan Tudyk. Do me a favor and just watch Tucker and Dale vs. Evil to like him again. And also the last meaningless guy, Patrick Dempsey (Mc-Whatever) plays Dylan Gould, a douchebag who wants to bone Sam's new girl. Seriously I think he wants to bang his girl.
I just gonna sum this up quickly.
If you are an action junkie, you will be disappointed. If you are a Transformers fan, you will still be pissed.
BTW, the run time. Here's a hint: What's the name of a Daft Punk song in the album, "Discovery?" and it's the last one.
If you guess, "Too Long", you are correct and your prize is........the rest of this review.
The film is way too long over 154 minutes (2 hr. & 34 mins.) and the action don't start happening when it's 45 minutes left in the movie where Michael Bay showcases his love for explosions and crazy shit happening and not to mention, there are some brutal deaths in the movies from humans explosing and dead bodies and bones and skulls. This was dark, very dark but that doesn't mean this movie's likability is increasing.
This is better than RotF but not by that much. Do I blame Michael Bay for the script? Yes, but I put the blame of Ehren Kruger more, considering he was involved co-writing Scream 3 and RotF. It failed as an action movie by going too long about the useless human characters & it failed as an Transformers adaptation although some focus on the robots was put in here but they should have been the main attraction.
My final score on the Transformers Live-Action movies:
TF1: 6.0/10 - It gave casual viewers want they want but disappoint many fans of the '80s cartoon and potential future followers.
TF2: 1.5/10 - Offers nothing of the sort, you'll cringe at any joke attempt and you'll be dazed and confused in the action scenes and question your taste of movies overall.
TF3: 4.5/10- It has all the action you want but you have to wait an hour and 45 minutes of anything but character development and you just be relieved once the movie's over.
In Spill.com ratings, this would be Low Rental to Low Some 'ol Bullshit.
If you want to enjoy any other Transformers media, just watch the animated series on the Hub network (if you got it), it's better in storyline & plot. Characters are kinda a plus but better.
Well, that is my time and once again, share your thoughts on the comment section and thank you for reading this.
My name is MAK2.0 aka HybridMedia. Bringing all the elements into one format.
and now something unrelated to the Transformers movie. Enjoy.
The Transformers Live-Action Movies: courtesy of Paramount Pictures & Dreamworks Pictures (on TF1 &TF2)
Transformers action figures & merchandise courtesy of Hasbro
That '70s Show clip courtesy of Carsey-Werner
Daft Punk - Too Long: courtesy of EMI/Virgin Records/Daft Life Ltd.
Jeopardy clip courtesy of CBS