Much ado has been made on "the interwebs" lately about the new Mortal Kombat trailer, a spec film shot specifically to shop around to movie studios in hopes to get a new film franchise going. In the trailer, Micheal Jai White ("Spawn", "Black Dynamite") stars as Capt. Jackson "Jaxx" Riggs, and introduces us to a bevy of reality-based versions of the classic Mortal Kombat characters, such as Reptile, Baraka, Jonny Cage, and Sub-Zero. However, an added benefit of the trailer is the surprise appearance of Jeri Ryan as Sonya Blade.
You can see the trailer here:
Ryan is perhaps best known for her role as "Seven of Nine" on Star Trek: Voyager, but were you aware that were it not for her (and her exquisite...*ahem* "talents"), the current state of our political landscape would be drastically different?
"Surely you jest" you may be exclaiming increduously, "what possible connection could be
made between this fine pair of sweater puppies and politics?" Well, allow me to enlighten you:
I've never wanted to be a stair-rail more in my life...
The year was 2004. The air was cleaner, the world brighter, children ran freely in the streets of surburbia (well, at least the parts with unattentive parents)... and young politician Jack Ryan (husband of the aforementioned Smokinghot McSugarLumps to the right, not the gruff and grizzled hero of Patriot Games and The Hunt for Red October) had recently won the Republican primary and was poised to run for Illinois State Senate. He was young, he was handsome, he was wealthy, he was whiter than Miracle Whip - he was the perfect Republican political automaton, destined to go far in the world of corrupt officials and backroom-handshake deals.
Jeri Ryan (and her breasts) changed that.
Jeri (along with those spectacular, spectacular mammo-mountains) had divorced Jack in 1999, and by mutual request had their divorce and custody papers sealed. However, the spotlight can cast a harsh shadow sometimes and various media outlets began to request their divorce papers be opened to the press. I like to think it was because the world at large simply couldn't fathom how a heterosexual male of any age could willingly separate himself from that gorgeous pair of milk wagons, but I can't say that with certainty.
Jack Ryan reluctantly agreed, but on one condition (and this is the kicker): that the custody records remain sealed as "the information within could be harmful to their son if released".
C'mon. Seriously? You really think you can drop a bomb like that to the American media corps and not expect them to immediately drop everything and start picking apart the story like vultures on a week-dead hooker's corpse?
It was later revealed by the media that while married, Jack Ryan had frequently taken Jerri out to sex clubs in several major cities with the intention of cajoling her into having public sex - a series of acts that eventually led to her filing for divorce and custody of their child. Faster than a virgin on prom night, Jack Ryan went from being the great white Republican hope to being Mr. Sketchy McSexClub, dashing all hopes of a political future in the process.
"So what?" you may be asking, "So she screwed her skeezy ex-husband out of office, what does that have to do with anything?" Well, first - shaddup. I'm telling the story here, not you. Secondly, that one spark lit the fuse on a long chain of events that no one could have forseen up until that point.
Less than a week after the scandal hit the papers, Jack Ryan unceremoniously pulled out of the race, handing it over to his fellow Republican Alan Keyes. Keyes then lost the Senatorial race by a disgracing 27% to 72% margin (the largest victory margin for a statewide race in Illinois history) against a bright young Democrat campaigning on a message of unity, hope, and change.
That Democrat's name? Barack Obama.
Proof once again that wherever there is a majestic pair of breasts... good things are sure to follow (well, not so much for Jack I guess but you get my point). Regardless of your personal viewpoint, Jeri Ryan's magnificent bosom was indirectly responsible for the election of the first black President in our nation's great history.
So, my fellow Americans, when the bald eagle soars bravely overhead while the Stars and Stripes wave valiantly in the background... when freedom rings and the eyes of a nation look upon our president for guidance out of the dark times of the past... wherever justice and liberty reign... I want you to stand up. I want you to raise your fists to the sky and I want you to shout with every fiber of strength in your being: "THANK GOD FOR JERI RYAN'S PHENOMENAL RACK!"