If it's crap ... We'll tell you
0 stars of ****
Spill Rating: F**K YOU!
-I Refuse to Say Anything Good About This Abomination
-Makes Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation Look Like A Masterpiece
-The Worst Script I Have Seen in Years (No f***ing joke)
-It Thinks Its Actually a Thought-Provoking Movie (Again, no f***ing joke)
-Tries To Make Leatherface a PROTAGANIST!
With the release of Texas Chainsaw 3D, we can officially mark the end of film for 2012. Besides the many Oscar hopefuls rolling out into nation-wide releases, the former is the first official theatrical release of 2013. While the opening week last year featured the surisingly enjoyable Contraband, it also contained the god-awful found-footage flick The Devil Inside, a film so awful that it inspired full blown riots in theaters. That's about as low as you could possibly get. Considering the less than consisten track record of franchise, I haven't exactly been looking forward to Texas Chainsaw 3D. But being the optimist I am, I bought my $10.50 ticket to experience a good-old fashionsed Texas Barbequed Slash Fest. It had to be better than The Devil Inside............right?
Let's put this into perspective for a moment; besides the original Texas Chainsaw, the only other notable entires in the series is the sequel and the remake, which I found rather well-made and suspensful. As we all know, the low-point of the series was The Next Genereation starring Renee Zellweger and Matthew Mcconaughey. That film was such an absolute failure that it is often listed today as one of the worst films of all time. Going into Texas Chainsaw 3D, I at least entered the theater expecting something at least better than that. I mean, it would have to an incredible amount of incomptetence to produce a film worse than The Next Generation.
By all accounts, Texas Chainsaw 3D is a worse film than The Next Generation. In fact, it just may be the worst piece of cinematic trash I have seen in years. The script for the this film should be used in every film class from here on until the end of time as an example of on how NOT to write a film. I usually avoid spoiling films in my reviews but to truly give a proper examination of Texas Chainsaw 3D, I feel that I must describe in detail the almost experimental nature of the story. You know you have a terrible film when the crowd who thinks Paranormal Activity 4 is scariest film of all time constantly ridicules your film for its stupidty and plot holes. If you are by some chance a masochist or a "Chainsaw completionist" and don't want the film spoiled, let me sum up the film in one sentence: Texas Chainsaw 3D is an un-scary, poorly made, incompetently scripted horror film that features the dumbest characters in film history and an ending so marvelously awe-inspiring, the entire theater laughed for the entire end credits.
A Short List of Idiotic Things in Texas Chainsaw 3D
Note: As this film is a sequel to the original, the opening takes place directly after the ending of the first.
-A baby born in 1974 is only 20 years old in 2012.
-A sub-plot with main character's boyfriend cheating on her with the other female lead is never brought to our hero's attention.
-Why in the world would a man who hates Leatherface's family so much that he's willing to straight up burn them to death adopt their baby as his own?
-A cop willingly lets a group of rednecks burn down a house full of men, women, and a baby without a single peep.
-The same cop lets some random hick take control of his investigation, beat and kidnap an innocent women, and lets a serial killer go free merely because two rednecks wanted to lynch a known mass murderer.
-How can a 64 year old, 280 pound man outrun the entire cast of the film?
-Of the group of five entering the new Leatherface residence, only two are killed by Leatherface.
-A cop hears something moving around in a freezer and upon opening it, immediatly shoots an innocent women hiding inside it.
-The same cop used an Iphone instead of a flashflight to investigate said house.
-With a chainsaw wielding maniac only 10 feet away from your position, why would you hide in an open casket? HE CAN SEE YOU!
-Our main hero trips twice in a span of ten seconds.
-You cast Trey Songz and actually give him speaking lines.
-50% of the shots in this film are close up's of women's asses.
-When our heroine is tied up as bait for Leatherface, why is her shirt ripped open and her bra suddenly missing?
-Why would the heroine's grandmother leave her a house with a deranged killer downstairs and only makes mention of this in a plain old letter that doesn't even have the courtesy of saying URGENT on it?
-By the end of the film, we as an audience are supposed to sympathize with Leatherface, a man who has killed at least 10 innocent people, merely because the stupid-ass rednecks wanted to kill him for KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE!
I am not even getting started with this film. If you couldn't already tell by this list, Texas Chainsaw 3D is such a awful abomination that it was only one of three instances in which I asked for my money back. It was that much of an insulting piece of trash. The writer for this film is so incompetent, he could find a way to make a porn incomprehensible.
Final Thoughts: Unless you go under the influence of at least three illegal substances and a head-rest to keep your jaw from hitting the floor of the transcendent awfulness ion display, under no cirumstances should you see this film. The only massacre in this film is to the art of cinema.
Also: The 3D is useless. As always.