Netflix is a very fun little tool. It's like if your local video store could be crossed with the Internet, offering you tens of thousands of fun movies and television shows. But like the Internet, while it can be a source of fun and hidden gems worth seeking and sending, there are many evil little discoveries, that make you wish you never wasted your time looking at them.Taintlight
is the Prime Example of That. And with the recent success of Vampires Suck
, this subject is really worth covering considering the ever changing access to movies and the strange audiences who watch them.
Now, we all know Netflix is known for sending DVDs through the mail, but it's incredible amount of shows and TV available for instant streaming is what really makes the money worth it. Spending a minute on the website, you'll be amazed to find what classics they automatically have available to watch. And there's also going to be a really long list of films you've never heard of. It's similar to when you look at a Redbox Machine, and some of the featured films on the list are films you've never seen for a theatrical release. But after seeing this movie, I think it states an important message about "indie" or "underground" hits.
Not every small budget, indie film is guaranteed to be clever. And even when it's bad, it's only a dime-a-dozen that it's going to be memorably bad such as The Room
, It's definitely incredible to see what films we can films are available to us, thanks to today's technology. But alas, that comes at a cost. Especially when you go on Netflix, and it recommends this movie to you if you enjoy spoofs and comedies.
So...what makes Taintlight
bad? Well, this will help. ">
Now, as we all know, Vampires Suck
is a pretty terrible movie. But take that terrible movie, and combine it with ineptitude, look and form, of the notorious film After Last Season
. I know that insulting Twilight is very fashionable right now, but upon seeing this movie, and the newest work of Seltzerberg
? Seriously, it's dead now. All of the jokes have been done, they've been pointed out, it's kaputz. Maybe the jokes can pop back up against once Twilight: Breaking Dawn
comes out, but this fad has practically finished when the parody can't be funny anymore.
We all know what Twilight's plot is about, but what makes this different? Add an incredibly incestuous dad, a Michael Jackson Dancing-Werewolf, a flaming metrosexual, an obsession with frisbee golf, vampires with diverse stereotypes to New Jersey girls and evil people, and a total lack of atmosphere and mood. I'm really at a lost for words with how to explain anything about the plot of this movie. Everything is nonsensical and pointless, even rip-off shots from the source material to the "climax" where all the action is shown with people running around hugging each other.
This movie takes about every step to tell a terrible joke. Being rated "R", it doesn't use it to practically any affect for the nastiest jokes or random blood. The closest it uses it's R rating, it to makes references to periods and for the incent-obsessed dad to act wicked creepy. And even jokes that could have a small sense of satire, are ruined by the obvious set up.
For example, Bella or, in this parody, Stella, asks her friend. "Hey, I was wondering. So how shitty is school gonna be? I mean, I atleast have you there to ease the torture, but are the kids here cool? Or are they just brainwashed cattle like most youth of today?"
I'm wondering how cheap and meta it was trying to be. The person who directed the film, even wrote it. And the man who plays the Edward parody, did the score for the movie. And in the end, that didn't really matter because 75% of the film is dead air and any music is ripped straight from random bands. But you know what? Being Meta or Purposefully bad doesn't work when you are that terribly done. I know this may come off as hypocritical, but to think that this actually garner income says something about how we view entertainment.
Even for a film to be made by a group called "Low Budget Productions
," I can't believe this stuff is showed on Netflix and even sold on Amazon. Can anyone with a camera really make and sell anything these days? I'm really thinking it's possible. I've seen thousands of youtube videos, with not only better humor, but better quality editing, special affects, and camera clarity. Can I really say there are any benefits to this movie? This movie doesn't even have attractive women, which is 101 for any movie.
I'm really surprised how this stuff can exist. But in a way, it makes me reflect to the title. At-least when I think about Epic Movie
, or Date Movie
, those movies try to be funny. They try for jokes, as childish as they may be, and they atleast look like a movie. I can laugh at a dumb prat fall or someone getting hit in the nuts. I can even laugh at people standing around and talking about nonsense. But you can't make something like this work, just because it's intentionally made to be this terrible and done in such a half-assed manner. ">
I'm sending a call out to anyone. If you took the time to watch Vampires Suck
, I can guarantee you that this film is worse. If you have Netflix, you can really, REALLY watch this if you want to. It's only 60 Minutes Long. The absurdity of this movie might make you laugh, because there's some really, out of the blue stuff here. Especially when the joke about the whole "When Vampires Go Into Sunlight" discussion. But honestly, if you really want to see this, do it at a time where you have absolutely nothing to do and you have no work to that needs to be done, because this will take your time better than sleep itself.