NOTE: This blog will not be pornographic, but it will be about sex.
This blog is 'Rated R'
for you 'make everything like a movie' fans.
Note: Names were changed to protect innocents and to not kill of all my delusional chances of 'hitting that' eventually.
Plus, I rather have people clowning a funny avatar rather than the real life guy who got it off Google.
WARNING: Not intended for people under the age of 18 and people over the age of 18 with immature views on sex.
Warnings: This blog is about sex
, but won't be pornographic
. Lots will be left to your imagination, but it will be in the point of view of a heterosexual man without a cloudy and fake 'romance' or 'Hollywood' fairy tale view on human relationships. This blog won't be
about "This chick was so hot! I'd be all up in that!' and it won't be boastful or degrading
to woman or men, but it will have sex slang
used by both men and women while talking and living an adult sexual life.
Warning: This blog will condemn the 'it's hip to be square' and 'I'm a nerd, but I'm a cool nerd' mentality that we all share and is the reason we all signed up for Spill.com (except for the wanna be models who don't do the 'social' in 'social network').
Any adult with a false fairy tale or 'it's all a porno' view on adult's sex lives might find this blog 'unromatic' or 'too serious' about sex.
Anyone who believe that classifying themselves as a member of 'nerd culture' is good enough or better than normal everybody included culture might find this blog useless and counter-counter culture.
If you do want to read a social commentary about sex and culture in a unique, all for fun, but genuinely interested way, read this blog.
No matter who you are if you read this, thanks.
Extra Warning/Double Entendre
This is going to a be longer than it needs to be and it's going to keep going until I get the job done.
The whole journey started off when I called my cousin who lives in a big small city that he should call me to hang out and that I he shouldn't just call my other cousins who live in another neighboring small town.
So, I go to his place. We're going out to clubs and bars, but not my type of bar. I like seedy shit holes in the wall where I can wear my black bootleg Frank Zappa t-shirt untucked, don't need gel in my hair, or even have to care about not having a cragily beard. So, I put on my cousins Medium dress shirt over my Medium Zappa t-shirt that was on my Extra Large shirt sized frame. As suggestions I unbuttoned two buttons to be a little rebellious, but hell if I was going to 'spike up' my hair.
My cousin, his entourage (most of them I made friends a long time ago), and I first go to the wedding of one of my cousin's pals. Before we got in I asked, "Are we related to anyone at the wedding?" He said, "Don't worry you can f*ck this chicks. If you are trying to get with a cousin or something we'll tell you 'You can't f*ck her.'. I asked, "What will be the signal?" He said, "Just gonna walk up to you and say 'You can't f*ck her.'
I'm not the type of guy who would go around hitting on chicks or asking chicks to dance. My cousin's fiends, which I'll call Freddy, is that type of guy. So, I checked out all the cleavage, booty, and legs with of all the curvy hot Latina babes or hot Latina tattoo goth chicks of the chicks he asked to dance. I especially liked the cleave of the one babe that stopped dancing with him a minute after his 'oops, I slipped and touched your big boobs' move. Not because of that move, but because he 'didn't know how to dance the banda music'.
After ten minutes of me standing around and drinking one Bud Light, while everyone else went around saying hi to people and with Freddy and his spikey hair dancing with hot chick after hot chick we left.
Next stop: Hittin' the Clubs!
The first club bar we went to was dead, so we walked past lots of booty to the next club bar next door.
Both places, where the 'dress shirt, look nice' type of places. So, chicks dressed to make guys think 'damn, she and me having sex would be awesome' and guys dressed like 'cool, he looks like those guys on tv, magazines, album covers, or like those funny frat guys'.
One of our pals, Tony pushed Freddy into a couple of 'dangerous curves' brunettes. He picked out the one that didn't say 'get away' and he rewarded with some 'rub your crotch up against my shaking big ass' dancing.
Tony tried pushing me into some hot chicks too, but I was too full with some ol' 'I can't dance and I don't want to dance with teases' bullsh*t. Tony also did the 'Me? No? Who him? You want to talk to him?' hand gestures to a non-existent hot chick checking me out. I had a good laugh at my own expense.
The club was 'bumping'. I got tired of all the man ass bumping into my hands that out weighed the positives of all the hot young chicks of all races and all the cougars of all degrees of 'over flowing' lady delights.
I was in the 'these people are shallow and superficial idiots' close minded 'nerd defense' mode so I showed my disgust in my face, unbuttoned my dress shirt to show off my 'only I know who Frank Zappa and I'm the only one that gets this' t-shirt, and I downed my first ever 'Dos Equis' to show that 'Zappa t-shirt Nerd Ain't Nothin' fo F*ck Wit'!'
After ten minutes of me sitting around and drinking one or two beers, while everyone else went around saying hi to people and with Freddy dancing with hot chick after hot chick we left.
We stopped at a gas station to eat a near by 'Roach Coach' taco stand. After being told to 'Calm down! Keep that sh*t quiet and save it for later. We guys don't talk about chicks with chicks around.' because I went on a giant 'vocal blog' rant after we started to talk about who's going to go and hit on the endless parade of hot leggy, babes, wearing the only dress that could both show off and contain a slender ginormourse booty and boobs body; the hootchie mama dress.
*Hold on, stay with it, the best is yet to come.
By this time it's 3 am.
So all 5 of us drive off. At a left turn stop light with our windows down. Freddy yells at a pair of 'cougars' in a SUV in the right turn lane to 'Follow Us!'.
The two smiled and giggled with each other. The turns green and we drive off.
All of us were like, "Holy sh*t! They're actually following us!".
I was the most 'WTF?'ing because I thought of some random chicks going 'back to your place' just happened in 'pimps' and 'party girls' daily lives. But, since I was with out of my element of 'Who should be the next Batman villain' world and in the actual world, I had a better chance of being in adult situations.
To make a long story not longer: at 5 am it ended up being the two sisters, Freddy, and me, but in 'Get over yourself, Nerd!' mentality.
Freddy made the chicks some mixed drinks, and let them know 'We're all nice guys here. We're not going to take advantage of you. We're just trying to have a fun time.'
That was the first time I ever heard that sex desclaimer which can be translated to, "We're not going make you have sex with us, but we're all adults and we all ended up right here, right now, by choice and we all know that consentual sex was always an option.'
It didn't hurt that Freddy told them that 'we're not those types of guys' resting his head on the tight jeans legs of one of the women laying down on the couch and playing with his spiky hair.
I'm a quite guy, but I still tried to make jokes, and if I had a life experience to share I did. But, I tried not to 'try to hard' to force them to know 'I'm a funny guy! I'm smart! I'm not a pervert! So, I'm F*ckable!'.
This is the first time I ever had a Wingman. So, I didn't know how to work with Freddy so that both ladies knew only our good qualities even if they didn't exist.
For example, 'my chick', 'Jacky' said her feet hurt for walking around all night in high heel boots, so my Wingman, told her, "Zombie Messiah gives great foot massages." All I could do was shrug my shoulders and whisper, "Maybe. Not sure."
*Keep up. We're almost there.
Freddy and even I were letting the sisters know we weren't sleepy and the we are having fun just hanging out.
With Freddy playfully 'smart assing' them to finish their strong girlie drinks and the Wingwoman, Jacky, 'my chick', peer pressuring her sister, 'Stacey' to 'down that sh*t' the mood was getting more 'human' and less 'We're cougars, he's a ladies man, and I'm a nerd.'
Jacky got tired of Freddy and Stacey flirting and joking about 'taking advantage' so she said, 'Might as well take her to your room and get it over with. The clocks ticking. We got to go. You have an hour to work that. Come on, go work that.'
This is when I knew that they weren't naive or thinking of themselves as victims and us as 'perverts'.
Right after Jacky joked about them going back and 'getting some'.
Stacey mentioned her concern with us by saying "They don't have condoms.When in the restroom I found a box of condoms. It was empty. No condoms.'
Freddy, make sure she felt nurtured and loved by saying, 'Oh, we got condoms.'
After Jacky reassured her sister Stacey, that it's okay because she'll be with 'my homie, Zombie Messiah.', Stacey agreed to take Freddy's hand. Freddy and Stacey go off to 'work it' leaving the black leather jacket, short black leather skirt, sheer black fishnet stockings, and pretty feet Jacky all to myself in the living room both sitting on an 'L shape' section couch.
*This is where I curse the heavens for the existence of the Spill Crew.
Jacky, turns to me, sits a little closer and crosses her fishnets with a foot waving in the air as if the foot was commanding, 'What you waiting for Zombie Messiah? Give me some of that 'good foot massage'!"
My first mistake was being in this state of mind, 'Damn, Freddy is getting some, but at least I got to a smart woman to talk to
By this point all knew plenty facts that would make Jacky, Stacey, or any woman in their situations not be offended and would maybe even want to be given the option of sex by quality guys like Freddy and Zombie Messiah.
These are past notes I should have remembered for the one on one 'gonna' get somethin' interview with Jacky:
-The ladies were new in town. Stacey moved back from out of state. Jacky moved back after 4 years in Brazil.
-Both of them were divorced and happy. Jacky might have wanted sex as stress relief of 'going through' a divorce.
-Jacky's estranged husband was back in Brazil.
-They ladies were drinking and they let us know they were having a good time and they weren't tired or sleepy.
-They let us know that they're feet hurt for walking around and dancing at the clubs. And, they can't believe how much they drank.
This is the Jacky related notes I blanked on, that I learned when we were all hanging out in the living room:
-Jacky complained about a guy at the club squeezing her ass. She didn't complain about the act of squeezing, but that the random guy squeezed her ass too hard and twisted it. She likes her ass to squeezed with respect.
-When Freddy asked 'what do you ladies think of as a turn off in guys?' Jacky said she disagreed with Stacey, and that she liked cocky guys. She also, said that it wasn't about liking a guy in control, because she's in control.
-Jacky's eyes lit up when I told her that I clean up after myself after she said our restroom needed a feminine touch. I don't know why she responded that way. I wasn't trying to cause that reaction, I just was being honestly honest.
*This the 'Sorry. This has never happened to me before.' metaphorical part
When it was only Jacky and I. Jacky, made sure that the first thing we talked about was sex. So she said,
"I can't believe they actually went back there. I was just kidding. I just said they should do it because he looks like he needs it and I know for sure she needs it.'
*This is what any adult gender, should of said to seal the deal with a willing, able, and welcoming sexual partner:
To Jacky's last statement about, 'He needs it and for sure she needs it.' I could have asked without any need for shame, "How about you, Jacky? Do you need it?"
Option two, would have been combing the made up 'Zombie Messiah gives great foot massages' line from my Wingman and actual truthful facts about Zombie Messiah. This is what I 'coulda' shoulda' woulda' said:
"Are you going want that foot massage? I don't know if I give great foot massages, because I haven't really given any foot massages. I did give a date a shoulder massage, and I know she liked it. I wasn't really trying, she just said her shoulders hurt from working all day so I just started massaging her shoulders and she starting acting goofy and her eyes rolled to the back of her head."
At this point, I would have been hoping that the truth that I was able top to get a woman's eyes to roll to back of her head would have been a good thing.
Again, I'm not saying saying those exact things or a varation would have garunted any kind of sex, all I'm saying that what actually said to Jacky absolutely guaranteed no sex with Jacky:
Jacky, might of asked me something or I might have said something that lead the conversation away from sex. Here's almost my exact f*cking monologue that I said instead of going with the flow of a sex appropriate mood:
Jacky, "You okay staying up late?"
Zombie Messiah aka NERD!, "Yeah, I'm usually up this late on the computer. Like up to 6 am. So, being up talking to another person instead is actually funner."
*There it was all over. FAIL! PWNED! And all the stuff Nerds say to denote a devastating defeat and pathetic moment.
The 'nerd rage' got worse.
I kept on digging my own grave deeper instead of trying to go back to getting her to be digging 'her nails' deeper.
Jacky, "What do you do on the computer?"
Zombie Messiah aka NERD!, "I'm just checking out funny videos and movie previews (oh, oh. stop!)."
Jacky, "I love the internet."
Zombie Messiah aka NERD!, "Cool. Do you myspace?"
Jacky, "Yeah, I have a MySpace."
*Any regular person would ask someone if they have a myspace so that they add them to their myspace. Any regulare person would say 'Yes, I have a myspace.' so that the other person adds them on myspace.'
*Cougars know if they have a myspace they can use to get their claws on young MySpacing guys.
*If I was not such a nerd I would have just said, 'Cool. My myspace is...what's yours?"
*But I got no butt because of the awesomeness of Spill.com!
This was the highlights of the final nails and gunshots into my sex coffin:
"I'm on Spill.com. It's like MySpace, but it's not as big so you get allot more one on one communication with members. You can actually communicate with the guys who run the site. Like they might comment on something funny you posted, even if it wasn't targeted at them."
This is the 'nerd truth' I should have kept to myself: I seek attention and want to communicate with people and make friends and Spill.com is the only place I can and try to communicate with other people I can only make friends and have fun in a hidden, fake, and anonymous level.
By the time Freddy and Stacey finished working it, it was too late and they were leaving. I shook Jacky's outstretched hand and said, "Nice to meet you, too." to her bored and disappointed face.
I am not so delusional anymore that I think if I said that it was almost guranteed that we'd would have 'worked it good' and even 'got some over time'.
My point is, that she wouldn't of been offended or would have been shocked if I made any hints or even straight out asked if we were also going to have sex.
My putting the offer of sex out could have even been something Jacky most likely expected because we all went out of our ways after a night of drinking and checking out potential sexual partner(s) to end up at an intimate place and situation with adult strangers of the gender we pursue sexually.
Okay, that's enough of the politcally correct crap:
It was two dudes who wanted to bang women and two women who wanted to bang men.
I was so much of a nerd, that I let my love for myself for being proud of being classifiable as a nerd, that I ignored the basics of any person of any culture regardless of what 'things' you like and know way too much about.
The basic drive of Jocks, Nerds, Geeks, Nymphos, Pimps, Dudes, Babes, Chicks, Partiers, Saints, and Sinners are all the same.
That's why individuals, that havn't learned already, should not live their lives as members of a certain genre.
People are not movies. People are not sports. People are not Fashion. People are not morals. People are not you.
Every adult wants sex and every adult has to be an adult to get sex.
Every adult who does get consensual and mutually disired sex, won't have to blame their failures on their avoidable uneeded social mistakes.
In short, we Nerds would get allot more lovin' from everyone, not just other Nerds, if we stop forcing our nerdity on society and just were regular people which is what all society is about.
Of course, if for reason I was wrong and talking about cartoon movie reviews with one being a robot actually made the sexually willing woman I told it to, act goofy and made her eyes roll to the back of her head, I would have not wasted so much time writing this blog and I would be asking my lady to move because her head was blocking my view of a Spill.com animated movie review.
More Sex is the Only Thing Better Than Sex!