So one night about a week ago, I was having a really hard time sleeping due to the thoughts bouncing around in my head like Fisher-Price toys in a dryer. So I organized them onto paper. Considering the topic is unaware of this blog, I've decided to post them.
The first one I wrote is more toward the feeling of frustration that I was experiencing.
April 22 2009
What am I doing here? Again!
Straight for emotionally drained
Rueful, my regrets
Please! Tell me what's gained!
Keep running on unknown fuel
Mind full of "What-coulda-beens"
Swimming 'round in "Wish-I-had-dones"
Paradoxical feelings hurt cruelly
I'll scream to myself, demanding explanation
What have I done!?
Tripping on my reverie
Falling! I'm falling! Stop the acceleration!
I'm always reconfiguring myself
Ripping, extracting, ex foliating you from my heart
Why can't I forget?
Just place the memories on the self?
Please let them stay collecting dust
They find me again
The beginning again
Don't press Restart!
And here's the second one, which is in a more story explanation form . . . type . . . thing.
Also April 22 2009
I found a CD you made for me back in high school.
It was in a box of old photographs I found myself looking through.
Which is funny since I had no particular reason to dig thorough the past.
Except, that I found myself painfully missing you.
It's sad that I'm feeling the same, considering how much time has past.
Whenever you call, I stop what I'm doing. Even excusing myself from whoever I'm with.
Though they look at me funny, my cares lie elsewhere.
My attentions are fully on you.
Talking to you on the pone for hours on end. It's some thing I never outgrew.
But I wish you were here for me to hold, for me to touch, and playfully scold.
We could sit at my house, play music, and watch movies
Moments like this to me are worth more than gold.
But you're so faraway and out of my reach and I can't wait by myself forever.
My house is empty and so is my bed I feel more alone than ever.
So I'll hit a bar maybe play some pool, but I'm not very good yet.
I'm still learning the rules. But I'm making new friends to keep my mind off of us.
But no matter what, I still think of you even with whosoever.
Whenever I'm kissing on someone else my very being screams!
"Something is wrong" I know this isn't right.
And of course I fall back to that night.
When kissing you was actually an option. Remember?
We were sitting there on a curb outside our friend's sister's house.
We talked for hours with our voices low while high hearts drummed.
I remember the Spanish children laughing.
Under a sliver of a moon the wind was warm and crickets were humming.
I remember the feel of your Abercrombie and Fitch shirt brushing against my arm.
You asked if you could hold me and I let you.
You asked if I could love you, but I couldn't have you.
I didn't want the pressure of keeping you from that perfect art school a thousand miles away.
I didn't want to hold you back from what greatness you could become.
I asked if you would try to live without me because I thought you'd be happier in a real city.
So I told you not to stay.
I saw you off on a plane bound for Portland leaving this small town behind.
I wrote to you as soon as I got home then I went to my room.
Then I cried.
Who knew that five years later I'd still be wishing for you? Wishing you still loved me.
I didn't think it would still hurt this much.
I hope soon you'll come visit me, be close enough for me to touch so I can tell you face to face.
"Kengo, come back to me so I can make you happy."