If it's crap ... We'll tell you
At a time when a ton of other triple A titles and GOTY (Game of The Year) candidates are fighting over top spots, one games decided to step in, take a big ‘ol can of ‘who gives a fuck’ and spray it everywhere. If you don’t enjoy nitro powered garbage trucks, crazy murder game shows and dildo bats (My new favourite word), then what the hell is wrong with you? Saints Row: The Third gives you more than a game, it gives you a look into insanity, but the path there is could have been a slight bit better.
Saints Row: The Third is the sequel to the already over the top series of open world sandbox third person exploration. You continue after the second game, having taken over Stillwater you’ve become kind of a sell out by going into merchandising of bubbleheads and doing Japanese commercials, so you’re the new Tommy Lee Jones. After a bank robbery that you fuck up, you incur the wrath of the Syndicate, or as I like to call them, the Council of Foreigners. Lead by a Belgium man (Cue a French joke here) and his team of two hot chicks, a British emo/goth and a crazy ass luchador, they drop you in the new city of Steelport, drain your cash supplies and bend you over a table with a strap on and..no wait, they don’t do that.
This is not what I had in mind when I ordered an express hooker.
Storyline is basic, you start trying to get back at the Syndicate by taking out their businesses one by one and start hurting them in all kinds of ways. Along the way, you pick up a whole bunch of weirdos, like the giant Russian dude who’s a genius (Well duh), a paranoid geek who seems to be a dominatrix, an old ass pimp with an auto tuned voice and Hulk Hogan in a tattered pink underwear. It’s not really Hulk Hogan, just his voice but still that would be awesome! Problems with the games lie mainly here. The story seems much shorter and not really deep, some of the missions are just the diversions with voiceovers. They make up for it with some missions either being an over the top epic show or just a ridiculous situation, but it feels slightly shallow at times. Not only that, later parts of the game gives you more than one mission to do, but do it in the wrong order and past and future events might be referenced, leaving you utterly confused.
The characters themselves are the embodiment of the game: They are normally off their rockers and will shave you do the most ridiculous things. The Protagonist (You) will normally suggest stealing a bomb or hijacking a plane in midair by jumping onto it, so you already should be calling up Woodbridge. Some of the new characters are so damn interesting and downright lovable, while others fall flat in the dust which is a bit of a shame.
An SNL cast I'd actually want to watch nowadays.
Gameplay does make up for what’s missing in story. There are a lot of objectives to do, a lot of things to get and a lot of people to run over in a minivan. Diversions, which are sort of activities, are littered all over the place, with some of the old favourites returning and some new ones being thrown in the mix. The most noticeable one is Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax, which is basically trying to head shot beer bottles and dogs while avoiding dudes with chain guns. It is bloody fun (Literally) and there is a shitload of other things like Tank Mayhem and Insurance Fraud. (Throwing yourself into Traffic) [Moving cars, not the band] The shops are also more fleshed out, with upgrade system for weapons and different types of clothing store.
The Respect meter from the last game has been revamped. Instead of allowing you to do new story missions, it now lets you upgrade yourself to have more abilities or take less damage, which I find so much better than the last game. The vehicle list is huge in this game, from little cars to big cars to big fighter jet-laser shooting hybrid planes. Each one handles differently, which is always nice to see.
Music you hear on the radio is pretty ‘dope’ and ‘whack’, as you kids say nowadays. Different channels have different radio personalities who are all really fun to listen to and songs. As a Jazz person, I liked the classical station, but I abused the hell out of the Electronic music station. News reports of your last mission normal blare over some stations, so try not to miss it because they’re funny as fuck. Voice acting is ok, some good, some pretty meh, like the player’s British cockney voice, which sounds like an Australian gargled bleach. Graphics are, well, pretty damn surprising. After the last game and its horrible PC port, I was honestly very surprised to find a really nice and graphically beautiful city, filled with run down slums, techno buildings and industrial factories. Popping does occur a bit, but it’s still first patch so it’s forgivable.
The city of Steelport is the brand new coat of paint in the Saint’s series. Instead of trying to compete with the rest of the more serious games, they decided to take the other route and make it for fun and wacky. Too bad they sacrificed some storyline elements for it but in the end the game is one hell of a coked up ride into mayhem and gunfights.
THE GOOD: Wacky gameplay, good graphics, all around massacre fun with squids, NO COVER SYSTEM!
THE BAD: Storyline not really there, some bad AI and popping but its still first patch
THE WTF: You play one mission with a big naked Russian dude, complete with blurry bits
WATCH MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF WHORED MODE
Thanks for reading and leave any comments if you loved/hated the game. Cheers.