If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Tonight, after ten looooong seasons, TV's 'Smallville' came to an end. What began as a unique experiment in superhero storytelling ("whaaa? you want to make a superhero movie about before he was a superhero? Nonsense, I say!"), ran a long and often entertaining journey and love it or hate it, now it's over. So... how was it?
Well, in searching for the perfect way to describe my deep, complicated feelings on the matter (I am a deep little onion after all), the only way I can think of to put it is this: imagine - if you will - a brand new hot girl at your office. The first time you see her, you automatically go from six to midnight and you hear war drums in your head. There is heat between you. Fire. Magic. Every time she nears you, everything turns fuzzy and "Dreamweaver" by Gary Wright starts playing. The first months pass quickly. Swept up in something so new and amazing, you idolize her. You know - deep down - that it's only a matter of time before you lay her down in bed and do things to her that would make Prince blush.
So you wait it out.
Months pass, years even. Things are still ok, but now that you've seen more of her, you're starting to notice the flaws. Maybe she's not quite as hot as you originally thought. Maybe she has a weird mole on her ankle. Maybe you saw her once all puffed up, snotty and sick with mono and it really turned you off. But you still really dig her and wouldn't turn her down if she wanted a roll in the hay. There's still just a little bit of magic left.
You tell yourself "it'll happen, just be patient".
More years pass. By now, she's been dating a string of total a-holes off and on and all she does is whine about them to you. She never even bothers to wear makeup any more and she tells you at length about the wicked dump she took after she ate at that Thai place down the street. You're kind of sick of the whole thing. "When did she get so annoying?", you ask yourself. She used to be so fun and lighthearted and now it's just mope, mope, mope. A seemingly endless dreary funk sets in. Why can't she just dump these jerks already? You don't care about her bad relationships! You'd never speak to her again if it weren't for the occasional glimpse down her shirt you get when she leans over to grab a pen and those "oh so close" moments in between boyfriends when you're sure an ol' fashioned "rebound throwdown" is in the works (but of course never pans out).
"Small joys in life," you say. "It's the small things that really matter."
Finally, a decade or so later and you've just basically given up hope. It's been a long time since you've even thought of her in a sexual way. Your entire exchange each day consists entirely of trash-talking the other people in the office. You don't really feel that spark anymore, but at the same time you and her have something "special" together. You've got history. Shared interests. That's what matters, right? It's not the destination, it's the journey right? Sure, she jokes about quitting constantly, but she never actually does it...
But then... a spark.
A little glimmer. A crack of glorious shining light at the end of the tunnel. She dumps her lame Nick Cave-loving boyfriend. She starts to tart herself up a little. She's been flirting off and on all year. She puts "the girls" up on display. You start to get the weird feeling that maybe she figured it all out and it's finally your time. You start to remember what it is you dug about her in the first place. Sure she's not as hot as she used to be, but it's okay because good looks are overrated! You actually don't want someone good looking! Plain girls for you, hoo boy! Sure, she's not as interesting as she used to be, but it's ok because you don't need her to be interesting! Interesting girls are too exhausting to keep up with! No sir, you'd take a boring girl any day of the week!
Finally... on her last day of work... she whispers in your ear that she has a big surprise for you. Something you've been waiting for a long time. Your heart goes all flittery. The hair on the back of your neck shoots straight up. You go all day mentally psyching yourself up for it. Work ends...you meet for drinks... exchange a few pleasantries.... and then she gives you a "Handie" in the backseat of your car and you never hear from her again.
That's what Smallville was like. Yes, those last couple of minutes of the series finale with the "you can never quite see it entirely and only in the distance" CG superman and the final shot of him running towards the camera and pulling open his shirt was a nice touch and you'll never forget your final moments together, but it was a handie after ten years of waiting.