If it's crap ... We'll tell you
*Sigh* I feel I have to do this review, and I don't care if noone reads it or if I get a fanboy rebellion. My frustation level from the "
Kick-Ass" Ass-Kicked movie has been building ever since I saw it on its USA release April 16th.
Probably all of us have seen this film, at least know the synopsis and/or read the comic, so I'm just going to summarize it and point out the pros and cons of the film.
Dave "Weird Polish last name (No offense to East Europe)” is an average pseudo-geek/nerd comic book fan. He isn't that smart or popular, and all the hot girls ignore him (Also he's not buff or bold enough to be gay LOL). The only thing he enjoys besides comics, TV, and computers is fantasizing about his teachers, classmates, and super-soft core porn while masterbating.
2 douche geek MF's are his only "friends" at school. Also, His mother dies suddenly of a brain hemorrhage and not by the clichéd mugger.
Dave and his friends are mugged often by blade-toting crooks, and onlookers turn a blind eye instead or intervening and/or dialing 911. Dave decides he has had it and wants to imitate his idols, comic book superheroes, by donning a costume and mask and foiling back alley crooks. He asks his dorky friends why no one has tried to fight crime comic book style in reality, and they rightfully tell him no one does because it's dangerous and stupid.
Dave is still determined to live out his dream, and since there are no radioactive spiders or cosmic rays around, he decides to be imitate slightly more realistic superheroes. He buys a wetsuit online, paints it a strange, random green and gold, and weaponize 2 lead pipes.
He has a great training montage, but less spectacular than your average, and that's why it's great. After a week of training he(while his normal clothes) sees the muggers, that always rip him off, jacking a car. They scare him away, but THEN he EPICLY rips off his clothes (like Superman AKA Kung Fu Jesus) to expose his homemade costume. When he confronts the mugger in his outfit he is met with laughter instead of fear (making one of the funniest moments in the movie). He cusses out the muggers and tells them to leave, but they say hell no and they attack. Kick-ass somewhat holds his own with his signature pipe for circa 15 second when the white mugger brutally stabs him with a big knife(What did Dave expect?). He limbs away, is hit by a car, and nearly dies.
He comes to and begs the medics to keep his secret and they agree. Sometime later he realizes, he was in coma, he can’t feel pain, and he has a been rebuilt with metal tougher frame. He returns to school to learn that everyone thinks he's gay because he was a victim of violent crime(in New York of the world's roughest cities). Here comes the first major flaw of the film. The movie deviates from the comic in a bad way [I dont mind good deviation from source material (however the original comic is no Shakespeare), but when it's bad it's unforgivable] instead of everyone thinking he's a gay prostitute (which in my opinion is not offensive to homosexual because women simply don't sex not even from other women but difinitely not men) they simply think he's gay. This makes little to no sense to why people would think he's gay. Also, the movie acts like being gay is a bad thing which is offensive (but if you are offended now, wait till you see the pointless baby girl Rambo. I dub thee BAMBO!).
Anyway, Dave is still naive and stupid so he dons the silly costume again to fight crime and save house pets. When looking for a feisty cat in his rediculous get-up, he literally stumbles upon a mugging in progress. These muggers are cliched and fairly muscle-bound, so the odds are stacked against our idiotic hero. Again, another bad deviation from the comic. In the comic, Dave finally defeats the muggers because unarmed attackers simply cant KO him because of his previous injuries. The movie however does not deliver the best fight of the comic to big screen instead Dave barely survives another ass-kicking and his sticks are terrible weapons. The muggers just grow tried of beating Dave and the victim, so they leave. Daves helps in the movie, but the comic's epic underdog against big dogs fight is gone.
I wanted this NOT BAMBO!
The next section is where the movie completely falls apart. Hit-girl(BAMBO) and
1960s Batman I mean Big Daddy(Nicolas Cage in his first good role since the Rock) appear almost out of nowhere when Dave tries to get his crush's ex-boyfriend to leave her alone. Dave's taser(which is a great weapon in real-life used by law enforcement) doesn't work against the Ex but only gives him a slight headache. Bambo, a little girl armed with Katanas(just as deadly as a kitten in reality) near single handedly mops the floor with a room full of thugs.
Why did the movie and even the comic switch protagonists? We liked and related to Dave because he's a bored geek who wants to help like many of us. We saw at least close to the real life consequences of crime fight in the first fight, but at least the comic whets our whistle with a heart-pounding fight 100000 times better than any of Hit-girl's far-fetched, precision bloodletting. The movie leaves us hanging, and Kick-ass just gets his ass kicked.
I don't get this movie because it is one of the movies that does not even know its own identity. Does it want to a fairly gritty yet funny satire of what'd happen to a naive boy if he decided to fight crime Punisher/Batman style? Maybe it wants to a generic graphic action flick but instead with a little girl to increase shock value and unrealistic factor?
I don't know, but the film goes to la-la land (maybe the Banana Splits songs signals this) with Bambo letting loose bad words and blood like candy from a pinata. Evenfully Kick-ass straps on a jet pack out of a War machine comic and kills several thugs. Then in constast he cant even fight Red Mist (played by McLovin, he has already been dubbed "Mistlovin") the worst and most non threatening villain ever. At least in comic Kick-ass beats Red Mist to a pulp.
Kick-ass ends the movie with shooting the Comic book mobster, Frank(Mark Strong villian #5), close range with a rocket. I'll admit the finale is cool but we have seen this done better, but you'd would probably blow yourself and everyone in room up in reality(but they werent going for reality at this point anyway tho). What finally ruins the movie is that Kick-ass gets the fairly hot girl (He didnt in the comic, he woulnt in real-life, and he shouldnt in the movie), and Mistlovin of all people is susposed to be villain (Seriously? Mclovin?!!)
In short, Kick-ass the movie, starts out ok, but falls on its face as the character-less, tension-less Hit-girl barges in cursing and cutting every in sight. The comic makes the same mistake, but the movie does it worse. (I blame Mark Millar but mainly Mattew Vaughn and Jane Goldman for the movie's failure. Goldman seems like the type to let the hit girl shit go out of control but IDK).
Pros: Ok beginning with with a few good practical and verbal jokes. The real life superhero conversation with Dave and his friends is hiliarious. Good superhero cliche inversion. Cool, Funny, Fun training montage. Funny yet near realistic first fight. Dave makes Wolverine reference. Comic book references in general. Mark Strong is good in this. Nicolas Cage being pretty good and funny yet a bad ass in this is a nice surpise.
Cons: (BTW: I'm not a moral scold) Hit-girl ruins this movie for me. Hit-girl has no conflict (movies need conflict, but Hit-girl is unbelieveable killing machine). Kick-ass kicks NO ass (No even Mistlovin and a little girl can fillet anybody? Come on). Movies don't switch protagonists. Mark Strong eventually goes overboard ("Pull his lungs out his ass!!" Come on, really? Can we get any sillier?)
I hope I gave concise reasons why the movie failed. Please comment.
PS: Fanboys, do your worst!