Now . . . I rarely do this, but hey! I’m Chaos Jumper and I do stuff because I want to! Today folks, instead of doing an animation review, I am going to do a review of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. Now, before anyone kills me, I have not watched any Transformers of the 80’s nor have I watched many episodes of Beast Wars. I have just seen the recent animated series on Cartoon Network, so I am not going to be the guy who says “Michael Bay did this wrong with the mythos and that and that and the other”, so lets begin shall we with Chaos Jumper’s first movie review for . . . Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. Now, I won't be doing the posters for this, but instead I will be using more appropriate means that should have been used in the film.

 

      As a critic of animation, I cannot do this review and say "The animation looks"because this isn't all animation, as all of you will know, so instead I will talk about the special effects used in the film. At a visual point of view, Michael Bay wants to wow the audience with his effects like the trailer for Independance Day. Every moment where the Transformers are around, there is an action scene that is filled with visual effects. The problem here is that the Transformers do not have their own distinctive texture, making many believe that the Decepticons are fighting each other or when you are looking at them from a distance. Not only their looks, but the way the transform, makes it completely confusing to  know who is transforming into, which would have been a small flaw if this wasn't the third in the series of films where they could take the time with these effects and actually make the transformations seem realistic and not feel like munches of sharp metal being stacked together to transform into something else. It doesn't make then look fake and CG - like, but it makes then look like big chunks of the exact same broken glass standing right next to each other, which will make it confuseing to know who is fighitng who and who is the protagonist of your film. One thing that I can mention about the CGI effects is that Michael Bay knows how to make the characters acknoledge these Transformer's existane, which does give us a sense of realism in this world that Michael Bay is trying to convey. The problem with is that it uses so much slow motion that it feels like they were just trying to say "Look what we can do?!" and it is annoying because it is litteraly style over substance. I didn't watch the 3D, because I saw the matinee, so I cannot talk about that. Now, with that out of the way, I will have to do something different, which is something I will do in more of my reviews, which is the backround music. 

    And now, this is where we get into the primary cast, consisting of many people, so let’s get started. So we return to our main protagonist of the last two films, Sam Witwhicky played by Shia Labeouf. Sam, as many know by watching these movies, is an obnoxious brat who yells and screams the names of the Transformers like a country boy yelling for his ma and pa; however, in this one, Mr. Witwhicky is more obnoxious than that. Whenever he is on screen, he acts as though he is the greatest human being to ever walk the face of the earth for the past million years, which gives him a massive unlikability due to his rather large ego. The man problem with him is that the writer or lack thereof, is trying to develop a slapstick character by making him brute and whine until he gets what he wants and thinks that it is because of him that the day was saved twice even though he didn't do anything in either of the two movies. Also, Sam, did you know that Powerpuff Girls might have you numbered on how many times they have saved the day? Next we have Megan Fox character number 2, Carly played by Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Carly is simply a replacement love interest for Sam to play with while his first girlfriend "dumped" him, meaning Megan Fox hightailed it out of this and went on to do other things to make her acting career more. . . .Notable? Anyway, Carly is a very two dimensional character that has nothing to her besides being hot, much like Megan Fox; however, Rosie doesn't have the chops to make a great performance out of it, much like Megan Fox; however, I personally thought Rosie did it better than Megan. She is usually a blank stare whenever she is off screen and when she talks; it is like listening to Emma Frost again from X-Men First Class. Her looks are appealing, for the audience she is for, much like Megan Fox; however, her ability to act is one to ponder at and say "Really?!", Much like Megan Fox. Then we get to the parents, which have to be one of the obnoxious parents I have seen in a while in film. They are just comedic characters that's stick doesn't work. They entire brand of comedy is "How stupid can we make these parents look/act to make them funny?" and we just go there with the cricket walking away to get his money back. I cannot say much about them, because they're not in the movie for that long; however, when they are on screen because they aren’t funny, but just very appauling and uncomfortable to be around. And then, we have Simmons, the John Tuturro character. He isn't that much in the film, but much like the parents, he bugged me because his stick is getting old really fast. And now we have the gay character, Dutch played by Alan Tudyk and, once again, his character is just flipping annoying. I just felt sorry for this guy because he deserved better *DO THE RIGHT THING FOR GOD'S SAKE!*. The reason is because his character is a running joke that, although was played better than anyone in this film, Michael Bay, and the writer, made it so that Dutch’s gayness was apparently funny because he talked like a stereotypical guy Then there as that really bitchy woman played by Frances McDormand who was supposed to be the strict character who doesn't want to be called "mamme". She is just a one dimensional character whose joke is just obnoxious and inhuman, which is where we have to talk about the most pointless character in the film, Bruce played by John Malchavich. My god, who did you rape to force you into this film John? Bruce is another pointless Michael Bay character that is only used for a visual gag. Think of him as thatteacher from Revenge of the fallen but with longer screen time. Then, there is Kim Jeong, which I want to stop this review and say something to the guy. You are a funny man, when you want to be. Here, you are doing the exact same crap that you have been doing for a while now. It did make you famous with the Hangover; however, THAT IS WHAT RANGE MEANS! Don't stick to what you know, especially when you are being funny because then you are becoming an extremely predictable, and obnoxious character to try and put comic relief in a Transformers movie. Learn from this little talk and you will go further in your comedic career. It worked in the hangover, it defiantly worked in Community *Mostly because of great writing*; however, it needs to stop right now before your career comes to an unexpected close. Now I'm done with that and tell you the problem I had with all of these human characters; they are all comedic characters that Michael Bay wants us to care for. When they are being obnoxious, they want me to go into the movie and snap each and every one of their necks and feel no regret from it. When Michael Bay tried to make us care for these characters, near the end, I just nodded my head and said out loud "you want me to become fooled by you again? For shame!" When you have characters who are a one dimensional one trick pony, it is impossible for me to care about a one trick pony I for a single second and it is appealing to see you try and force it down my throat. If these characters are flat and obnoxious for over an hour, I will want them to die for forcing me to strive through this if there is a large action scene that last for the rest of the time. The only character that was more interesting, and well written was the typical Villain #35 played by Gray's Anatomy's own Patrick Dempsy. What he played with the typical villain who starts out as a douche becomes the villain of the movie and then gets defeated. He is the best written character even though it is simple villainy ark for this guy, which is someone we should hate, and is better and more loveable than the characters we are supposed to like. Now that I am done with the primary characters, we will go to the secondary characters, the title of our film series; the Transformers

. . . right before he was going to fight against Optimus at the end of the movie. It is insulting to rely on a much better movie just because you have Spock. Then we have the rest of the Transformes who are Bumblebee, Rachet, Ironhide, Que, Sideswipe, Megatron, Starscreem, Dino, and almost every one of the other Transformers I have failed to mention *even the one played by John Di'Maggio. . . exactly*. For the Transformers, I can easily sum up a few words for every single one of these transformers in the film: Never Developed At All. I am not just talking about actual personality and differentiation to their look, I am talking how am I supposed to feel about each of these characters. Even though the movie keeps saying that the Transformers have been at war for so many years, it never feels like the characters have for that long. I never get a sense of true characterization from these characters, neither historically, emotionally or intellectually, which makes them all, and yes even Megatron, forgetable and almost useless at this point in the series. If you have characters that are supposed to be your primary characters of your story, there are a few ways for you to make me care and one of them is really important to make me care for these characters: experience. If you want me to care about these guys, actually show me each of these Transformer's experiences with the Cybertronian war so that it feels more realistic and emotionally gripping for a movie goer. Allow me to experience the pain every Autobot must of felt when they knew they lost the war, not narraration played by an awsome voice actor because that is just lazy writing. The Transformers never felt interesting to me while watching to me because I didn't know anything about them, in any fasion, that made me care. I don't care who says, but Inception's side characters had more depth and characterization than any of the Transformers throughtout this trilogy and that is embarassing to say that after sitting through three films. And then there are Brains and Wheels, the Ewolk Sids and Mudflap. Michael Bay must be a genious because he made those two jar jar binks characters again, but this time made them chibi sized so that they can be for kids too, making it seem alright, but just makes it sad that it is so blatant that happened. You want to make us better about those two Michael? Show them dying by the hands of Megatron and we will all feel happy for the rest of the film, end of story. They are the exact same characters, just with lesser screentime so that it wouldn't make it that obvious. They arn't on the screen for very long, but when they are, it is the most embarassing exchange of dialog between those two I have seen since the last Transformers film. What a waste of Tom Kenny too, he plays a great Ice King and they reduced him to an Ewolk character.Now that I am done with that, lets get into the presentation of the overall story, or narrative if you will, as well as combine with the humor and the overall problem with this series.

     Yes, many critics have criticized the film for being a "reboot" of the other two. Optimus talks about the war between Autobot and Decepticon, Sam has problems, Autobots discover the ancient object in the narration, they run around finding it, the jokes ensue and 45 minutes of nonstop action sequences and end. So, yes, you can give it a big stamp on the head that says "Failure" just for that, I would not mind if you did; however, I would say something different about it which will explain my overall emotion for this film. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is a S-O-U-L-E-S-S rehashing of the previous Transformers films. I know what all of you are saying, especially those of you who loved the last hour, that I am wrong because there was a bunch of action humor and the Autobots won; on the other hand, let me take that remark with a question: Was there a reason for me to care? The humor shows how basically inhuman, as well as inconstant, many of these characters are, making it impossible to relate with any of them. The humor is the most sexis . . . wait, Sucker Punch was made this year. . . the SECOND most sexist thing I have seen in the past few years, as well as the typical Michael Bay stereotypes he likes to put in there because people think it is funny, which it really isn't. The overall plot is extremely sloppy because there so many plot threads that Michael Bay ignored and thought that a big action scene could fix everything, which it really doesn't. Oh, and let me talk about the action sequence for a second because, once again, Michael Bay thinks we have spent so much time with these characters that it makes us care for those initial 10 minutes of falling to their deaths. The only reason why I would be on the edge of my seat is because the characters are finally dying for once, and never coming back. The human flight sequence was also interesting, because it hasn't been done that much before; however, it reaches that problem of the humans that I don't care about having more screen time because Michael Bay thinks that they are all so cute and interesting that we should see them fall from the sky. It really killed me when Michael Bay tried to make emotional tension by showing the Autobots "die" while showing pieces of the Challenger for such false bull crap. It PAINS me to see a director use events, that have NOTHING to do with their film, used for a reason such as that *REMEMBER ME!* because it shows how obnoxious you are, as a director, to use such an image to create an unnecessary emotional spark to your audience that will not work since we know they will return. With the first one I could feel a premise, although done pretty badly, was done with some heart and interest in the film. The second one, although is a F&*K You of a "film" had . . . but with this film, it is a total waste of my time because it was completely tasteless action on top of tasteless humor on top of tasteless characterization on top of tasteless writing and the list can go onto direction. In every perspective, this film fails. As a regular movie, it has so many problems that it would make a not as resilient human being get out of the theater and as a dumb fun action flick, I am forced to wait for bull crap and watch 45 minutes of a pointless climax that never explains everything nor does it really thrill because there is no reason for me to like any of the characters who are about to die so I would waste my time even wasting those 45 minutes. Not to mention it was just one big amount of action and an attempt at creating one big emotion for 45 minutes like a big climax, which is not how it works. It just pains me to say it, even for a loud explosive action flick with a million hot chicks, but it just, overall, make me want to go to sleep because there was nothing to grasp that it made it impossible to watch without dozing off and that score didn't make it any sbetter. Just allow me to find a way to release my rage out in one moment . . . . Ok, I got it.

So I give this a rating of FLAWLESS IMPERFECTION! I fooled everyone in believing tha. . . oh excuse me before I throw up thinking that joke would work on you like the jokes in hear would. This movie is some of largest F&&K Yous of a film, without a doubt in the past few years and in every form of the word. The CGI is still confusing, the music is a Hans Zimmer/Zack Hemsey rip off, the characters are extremely inhuman and moronic, the Transformers have the personality of a piece of wood, the story is a repetition of the others, its plot holes that are bigger than the wormhole at the end of the film, the humor makes me insulted as a person who is inspired to be a director and writer and the overall feeling from this film was complete rehash and idiocricy. F&*K YOU Transformers! F&*K You Michael Bay and F&*K You everyone who was involved with the production of this movie. You all know you could have done better, but all you thought about was how to make money and insult me for me race, sexuality, creed and just for being a movie-goer. Not to mention F&*K Me for actually wasting a good matinee to re-watch Night in Paris and watch this piece of soulless crap. Although, if I want to say a positive thing about this is that it is better than Sucker Punch. Good night folks and I hope you enjoy your summer with better crap than this.

 

Transformers is a property of Hasbro 

Courage the Cowardly Dog is a property of Cartoon Network

Captain Kurk is a property of Gene Roddenberry

Boogie Nights is a Property of New Line Cinema