If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Ok, I'm sure you've all heard the terrifying announcement of Die Hard 6 aka 'Die Hardest' *sigh*, and many of you may have seen the hideous dick-pile that was A Good Day to Die Hard. This all got me thinkin' about any possible way to redeem the franchise, which led me to conclude... there is none. By now they have fucked it beyond all redemption. But here goes anyway!
'Die, Die Hard, Die!'
The story centres not around John McClane, but instead Ralph Willis, the illigitimate great-nephew twice removed of world famous Hollywood paycheck hungry undead-action-megastar Bruce Willis. Ralph was concieved when the actor was on location filming Hudson Hawk when Willis had a secret and passionate affair with a world famous Russian Balerina who was also unbeknownst to Bruce an undercover Hong Kong Triad working on a plot to blow up the White House with an Internet Based Laser Virus. Bruce foiled the plan but was unaware of the unborn child his action-superstar-sperm had created within the Chinese Russain Computer Hacker Ballerina Triple Agent he thought he had fallen in love with.
Cut to 30 years later and Ralph Willis is a man, also an undercover spy for the Outer Mongolian Special Forces and part time Scientific Advisor to the Australian Space Programme (see, lots of exotic locations crammed in for good measure, it's a winner for sure!), but above all else he is angry... angry at the father who abandoned him so many years ago - he means to find Bruce Willis in Los Angeles and confront him!! Daddy Issues FTW!
He tracks Willis down to a meeting of local Hollywood Movie Producers at Fuka-Yu Grand Cental Towers Plaza, home to a temporary studio set up by Warner Pros Pictures to discuss plans of a new instalement to the Die Hard Franchise - 'Die Hard 13: A Bad Luck Day For Luck to Die Hard on The Hardest Death Day' - Bruce Willis glances briefly at the 1st draft screenplay treatment for approximately 7 and a half seconds and then green-lights the project.
Meanwhile in the lobby, Ralph Willis has arrived to settle the score, but he;s not alone - It's the German Triad Spetsnaz!! They seize control of the building, shooting down Warner Bros Employees left and right!! Ralph runs amd hides, made even more difficult by the fact he had removed his shoes and socks so that he could momentarily satisfy his perverted foot and toenail licking fetish - curses, trapped in the air-vents with no shoes, and only several dozen fully and semi-automatic fire-arms that he just happened to find lying on a table right infront of him.
The usual Die Hard mayhem ensues - gunfights, explosions, witty puns and swearing galore - before Ralph finally confronts his father, who was being held hostage on the top floor of Fuka-Yu Tower... or was he!? It is revealed as Bruce Willis peels the rubber skin from his own face that he is infact... Ralph's Mother!! She tells the stunned and amazed Ralph that she actually killed Bruce Willis many years ago and assumed his identity, sometime shortly before the screenplay for Live Free Or Die Hard was green-lit, and had already exacted her revenge! But why the plot, why the disguise, why ruin the legacy of Die Hard forever! Simple - for the money. It was about the money all along! A Double-Cross!!
Ralph and his mother fight, a fierce battle but Ralph catches her by surprise and knocks her out of a window on the top floor of the skyscraper - she falls from the very top in slow motion looking up at her son, before falling ontop of a passing helicopter which was just crashing into a telephone pole - she is sliced into several pieces by the rotor blades of the chopper before the explosion sends the charred pieces flying through the air - they land on top of a passing 747 Passenger Plane which promptly explodes.
Ralph looks on, smiling. "Yippi Kay-yay, Mother.... FUCKER!!!"