If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Hello folks, after writing the Halloween edition for ‘Movie Dumpster’ I decided to do something different! Again! However before I let you in on exactly what I’m talking about, here’s the disclaimer.
* Basically the “Movie Dumpster of the Future” is an examining of monthly releases for movies that are probably going to be shit. This involves looking at trailers, pre-release buzz, and other stuff that involves me and the word “genital mauling” (not really). And no, I’m not saying that all these movies are going to be terrible, maybe some will surprise you and some won’t.*
Going over October’s releases was dreadful, although I admit that Paranormal Activity 3 trailer still made me laugh (kudos to you trailer). However that’s not what I want to talk about, what I do want to talk about are these strange nightmares I keep getting. It’s like the spirits of Real Steel, the Thing, and the Three Musketeers came into my bedroom and started bashing my chest in with a baseball bat (hint to movie spirits, even your hitting was ‘shit’). Gladly those nightmares are gone, thanks to the wonders of this new medication I recently bought off the black-market, uh, I mean my local pharmacy!
Nothing wrong with purchasing medical supplies from your local pharmacy, no medicine involving ancient voodoo magic involved there! Likely, there are a few side effects, but nothing to worry about. No hallucinations to worry about or the ‘slight’ possibility of certain botanical distractions. So with that said, what’s going on in this edition of ‘Movie Dumpster’?
Well since November has one release worth discussing and that I’ll eventually have to write something for December, change will be imminent. So I’m going to do the impossible, and combine November and December releases into this blog. Yep, Thanksgiving and Christmas, turkey’s and reindeer, genocide and commercialism. All of this represents what we love about both these holidays (except probably for that last part).
So what do we call this edition?
Yeeeeah! Now let’s talk about some releases!
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas –
It’s that time again……unfortunately. Yeah, Harold & Kumar are coming to a theater near you, and this time it involves Christmas and 3D! I don’t have much say on this, other than does anyone really want a third Harold & Kumar movie? Be honest, does Kal Penn need the money? Or do the writers think they have something clever up their sleeve (no)?
I don’t know, oh wait, let’s look at how much the first two made –
The budget for Harold & Kumar go to White Castle is around $9 million. How much did it make its first weekend? $5,480,378. Now how much did it make worldwide? $23,936,908.
Although what about the sequel?
The budget for Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay is around $12 million. How much did it make its first weekend? $14,908,404 is what it made its first weekend. So while it did make its money back, it didn't profit 'greatly'. Wait a minute, how much did it make worldwide? $43,493,123 is what it made worldwide. Bam!
So despite how cheap these movies were made, they still ultimately made a shit ton of money.
So what about the plot? The plot is, blah, blah, blah, two years later, blah, blah, Kumar, blah, blah, burnt tree, blah, weed joke. I shouldn’t need to go into this, and you certainly don’t give a shit either. Especially if you’re a fan of this series, and let’s face it I’m pretty sure there is only 10 of you, okay, maybe 3 at best. Of course John Cho and Kal Penn reprise their roles as Harold and Kumar, while Neil Patrick Harris returns (even though I remember him being killed in the last film) as Neil Patrick Harris.
The three-quel is directed by Todd Strauss-Schulson, who did some low budget projects for MTV and other TV projects that don’t look all that interesting or funny. Writers are Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, Jon and Hayden worked on the previous Harold & Kumar films and written the script for the upcoming American Pie: Reunion.
Personally I enjoyed the first Harold & Kumar, I didn’t think it was great but I thought it was a decent R-rated comedy that didn’t go overboard with the vulgarity. However the second one was where even the fans had to throw away their Neil Patrick Harris action figures (or dolls, whatever). Though I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with the political commentary, but mostly with just how crappy it turned out. I have a feeling the same thing will happen here, although after watching the trailer I couldn’t find one similarity between that and anything in the IMDB plot summary.
Here’s my final summary on this whole thing, if the movie turns out to be a success – whatever. However If the movie bombs, well let’s just say Kal Penn had it coming anyway.
Jack and Jill –
Jack and Jill went up – no, no I will not lower my standards by making an actual Jack and Jill reference (too late). No! This is where this shit stops! You want to know Jack and Jill?! Well here’s Jack and Jill for ya!
Jack and Jill is directed by Dennis Dugan who did Grown Ups, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, and Big Daddy. Written by Steve Koren (Click, Evan Almighty), Robert Smigel (various SNL episodes), and Ben Zook (Sorry, and several episodes of Reno 911). The movie stars Adam Sandler as Jack and Jill, Al Pacino, and Katie Holmes. This is where I stop presenting the facts.
Take a look at that, only two of those writers have done some decent stuff while the other writer and director have done nothing but shit. This is an example of where bringing up the, “Well you haven’t seen the movie yet, so how would you know” argument is invalid. The director by himself is just enough to show you that what you see in that trailer is nothing but black magic (Sandler black magic to be exact). It’s rare to see Sandler’s production company pump out not just two, but three shitty movies in one year.
So because I’m angry and can’t think straight, I’m going to end this discussion by showing a picture of an acorn.
New Year’s Eve –
Gary Marshall is back to directing another blatant holiday money-grab, I mean er, a joyous movie based on the grandness that is New Years Eve! Of course it ain’t a ‘Gary Marshall’ production without his usual gaggle of actors and actresses. Starring in this film is a bunch of people whose names I don’t feel like sounding out, so here’s the poster.
So what is it that makes this film ‘Movie Dumpster’ worthy? Well for one thing, the casting for this movie looks terrible. Specifically you have Ashton Kutcher appearing in another Gary Marshall movie, probably playing the same character. Then you have Katherine Heigl, Josh Duhammel, Jessica Biel and other actors that will make you say, “How much did they get paid to do this?!” Another reason why this deserves to go on the list is because it’s obviously trying to play off the supposed success of Valentine’s Day. Which is the mentality that, “Who gives a shit, let’s get a bunch of actors and have the movie somewhat fit the theme of the holiday.”
My first impression when I saw the title and cast was, “This looks like shit!” In fact I didn’t even see the trailer, that’s how much that first impression affected my outlook on this movie. Sure I could be fair and attempt to watch the trailer, but is it worth the risk knowing that I spent 2-minutes watching a trailer that I’ve probably watched a billion other times for various other romantic comedies (don’t ask)?
Why am I still talking about this movie? Ugh, I’m pretty sure it had to do something with an acorn. Oh that’s right! I’m going to end this discussion by showing a picture of an acorn.
The Sitter –
Fat people, they make movies funn-
I retract that last statement; fat people who ‘aren’t’ Kevin James make movies funny. With the Sitter who knows, but certainly not much faith should be wisely placed on the director considering some of his previous work. In case you didn’t know, the movie features Jonah Hill as the main star of this movie. The director is David Gordon Green who did Pineapple Express, Your Highness, and something else that revolves around pot. His resume automatically makes me assume that his next film is going to feature a giant talking pot tree that wears sneakers, and can speak fluent Spanish.
But while we don’t have a giant pot tree that wears sneakers and can speak Spanish, I guess we’ll have to make do with Jonah Hill. Which leaves me with this question, what do we make of this Jonah Hill guy? Is he funny? Can he act as someone other than himself? Does he know how to play the accordion (ignore that last part)?
I’m not entirely sure; all I know is that the trailer for this movie did not look that funny. It looks like another raunchy comedy, but this time it has kids! And kids who say the word ‘fuck’ are funny, right? Hell no, but I guess someone out there might think it is.
I’m going to give this movie a choice just as I gave A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas a choice: if the movie turns out to be clever enough for it to become more than just some typical raunchy comedy featuring Jonah Hill, then good. Although, if all it consists of is repetitive toilet humor (your honor may I present to you this girl saying the phrase, “I just sharted myself”) then the director or whoever writing this needs a slap in the face. Speaking of writing, the writers for this are Brian Gatewood and Alessandro Tanaka who haven’t really done much - literally.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked –
Do I have to talk about this?! Fine, I guess I do since these movies still keep making money!
The third installment stars once again Jason Lee as Dave, Justin Long as Alvin, Jesse McCartney as Theodore, and Matthew Gray Gubler as Simon. What’s the plot? It’s Chipmunks……on a ship…..yep. It’s another animated talking animal movie designed strictly for kids and no one else.
Honorable Mentions –
Heh, heh, oh acorn, how you make me giddy with joy. Wait, focus Brutuxan – focus! For the ‘Honorable Mentions’ section we’ll just be covering November releases. This is due to the fact that I’ve pretty much covered December in a nutshell. So let’s get ‘acorn-ed’, uh, I mean started! Right, uh, started!
Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller star in Rush Hour 4, wait this isn’t Rush Hour 4? Its called Tower Heist? What the hell is Brett Ratner up to?
Aside from that brief confusion, Tower Heist is indeed directed by Brett Ratner and stars Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. Aw shit, I meant Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson – wait that’s Shanghai Noon!
Damn you acorn! What did you do to me?!
The Son of No One:
Apparently the majority of the male demographic does not like the Tatum. Even from what I heard, it sounded like he did do a pretty decent job in the Eagle. However maybe Dito Montiel could do something to erase the hatred that people – wait, Dito?
Sorry wrong Dito, although a Pokémon would probably be a more interesting choice to direct this movie. Alongside Tatum, the movie also stars Al Pacino, Juliette Binoche, Katie Holmes, and- Tracy Morgan?! Whoa, so what’s the plot then? Well apparently a young cop (played by Channing Tatum) is sent to a precinct that he once grew up in. However an old secret starts to rear its ugly head and may, as IMDB put it, “destroy his life and his family!”
With an interesting cast like this, maybe the movie could turn out to be okay. Or it could be another mediocre movie, like Fighting.
Well I’m just glad that I went through this without saying the word ‘acorn’……….shit!
I was surprised to see that the director of Immortals (Tarsem Dhandwar Singh) also did some pretty artistic films such as the Fall and the Cell. However while there is that ‘one’ shot in the trailer that looks pretty cool, everything else looks kind of bland. Starring Henry Cavill (Superman), Immortals is about a mortal man chosen by Zeus named Theseus who must fight against King Hyperion, a man trying to obtain a weapon that can destroy humanity. In other news, 300 Spartans were upset to see that their make-up and CG department was stolen! Can’t imagine who the culprit was behind all this?
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1:
“Iz cant believe u put Breaking Dawn port 1 n the honorable mentions sextion! I DEMAND U PUT IT BACK ON THE TOP OF UR LIST WRITE THIS NSTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? LOL XD LMFAO”
- Angry-crazy internet commenter, (A.K.A. douchebag)
Whoa, slow down there ya' frustrated ‘caps lock fellow’! I put Breaking Dawn Part 1 on the ‘Honorable Mentions’ section for a reason! You see this guy?
Wait, wrong guy. This guy!
This man, Bill Condon, has directed Chicago, Gods and Monsters, and the pilot episode for the Big C. Granted, while this may seem like a ‘good’ thing, who knows how this movie is going to turn out. It’s like a ‘choose your own adventure’ type of deal going on here. Maybe you get a bad ending with a good path, or maybe you get a bad path with an ending that involves a lot of very erotic sexual behavior. I don’t know - acorn!
The plot for this movie sounds way too goddamn convoluted, but I’ll sort through it anyway. Plot synopsis is: Edward and Bella are having a baby, baby poses as a potential threat to the wolf pack and the vampire covenant. Why? Because fuck if I know, look I never cared about these movies. However if there’s one thing (well, several actually) that I’m looking forward to, its how the movie is going to tackle all the crazy shenanigans that goes on in the book.
Personally, I’m just glad that I don’t have to see it. Wait, what’s going on?!
What?! Huh?! Fuck you! Zzzzzz……
Gyah! No, I’m not going to fall for any of your tricks again y-you Acorn! We are threw! No more of this ‘so-called’ medication!
Good! Now go away! Anyway if you have something to say, leave a comment below and make sure to tell your friends about Movie Dumpster.