If it's crap ... We'll tell you
*NOTE* (This blog is ridiculously long and was originally suppose to come out by the end of September. Which is why you see movies like Real Steel and Dirty Girl on here. However, I hope you can forgive me for posting this late and still thoroughly enjoy the read.)
If you build it, they will come. However if whatever you’re building is also made out of chocolate, then beware of raccoons.
Welcome to a new and exciting return to the Movie Dumpster! Er, probably should have picked a different ‘title’. Regardless of that awkward moment, here’s the disclaimer.
* Basically the “Movie Dumpster of the Future” is an examining of monthly releases for movies that are probably going to be shit. This involves looking at trailers, pre-release buzz, and other stuff that involves me and the word “genital mauling” (not really). And no, I’m not saying that all these movies are going to be terrible, maybe some will surprise you and some won’t.*
I want to know what September has against me, because it certainly wasn’t giving me much to work with when I was researching through its movie releases. Of course there were a few duds, including one I really rather not spend the rest of this blog talking about.
However don’t worry about this month; October has a lot of goodness going on. And of course when I mean 'goodness', I meant in comparison to the unique items you get underneath the cushions of your couch – crap, useless crap. However just like movies, perhaps it’s a valuable nickel or maybe even a cashew that’s still edible………….nah I’ll just stick with the nickel as my point.
Since this is also Halloween, I will be fully dressed up and doing something very different this time.
Here’s how this will work, if it seems like the movie has the potential to be something greater than what is shown in the trailer or the marketing, then that movie gets free candy! Yaaay!!!
However if the movie doesn’t have potential, then it receives a bullet in the head by a high caliber revolver so that it can end its demonic existence. Booo!!!
Enter, movie number one!
Real Steel –
Sure, whip out all your 'Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot' jokes because while you’re doing that I’m going to be the mature one in thisdickshitpussyassconversation. Oh sorry, it seems like a thought must’ve crawled out of my mouth. Anyway, the idea for Real Steel sounds of course like an 8-year old's wet dream, except if he was alive during a time where computers weren't around and every man had to have their shirt tucked in. However after hearing some positive word of mouth, maybe it’s…more than meets the eye.
The movie is directed by Shawn Levy who did, huh, Night at the Museum, Cheaper by the Dozen 1 & 2, and……..Big Fat Liar. Yeah, this ain’t looking too good for you Real Steel.
Okay past all that nonsense, according to IMDB the writers are John Gatins (screenplay), Dan Gilroy, and Jeremy Leven (story writers and possible ex-Mattel toy factory employees). John Gatins previous work was Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story and Coach Carter. Then you have Dan Gilroy who did Freejack and, The Fall?!
Jeremy Leven has also written The Legend of Bagger Vance, My Sister’s Keeper, and the very popular Notebook.
Now here’s what I’m frantically going to do. I’m going to take all these writers, examine each of their resumes, and then see how they fit into this robot-boxing fiesta. And before anyone starts bitching at me for this, yes I’m going to exclude studio interference as well, that way the process for this becomes much easier. And then once that is done, I probably will be going on a psychotic rampage and mentally ask myself,
“Why the fuck am I still debating about whether or not The Legend of Bagger Vance is going to factor into Real Steel somehow?!”
John Gatins is the easiest part of the puzzle, he did a couple of inspirational films that mostly feature sports and Keanu Reeves, so I guess that’s where the heart of the film comes in (hell I can smell the ‘inspirational’ schlock just dripping from the trailer!). Dan Gilroy on the other hand is a different matter, while Gatins seems to bring the ‘inspirational’ element to the film, Gilroy looks like he’s packing the ‘edge’ that a film like this needs.
So you already have the bread (Gatins), the peanut butter (Gilroy), however what makes of the jelly? The jelly in this case would definitely be Jeremy Leven considering his experience with creating tragic, yet heartwarming romance stories that would make any mid-western religious white woman shed a tear. So you have the ‘inspiration’ angle with Gatins, the ‘edge’ angle with Gilroy, and the ‘sweetness/romance’ angle with Leven.
So if these guys consist of the PB & J sandwich, then what does that make Shawn Levy? Is he the glass of milk that goes with the sandwich? Is he possibly the snack item sitting next to the sandwich? Or is he something else that relates to food? And why does that stapler look like a Ballpark hotdog?
The answer is that he’s none of those things. He’s just the spoiled 9-year old brother who wants to take a bite of your sandwich simply because dad (the studio) said he can or because he doesn’t really give a shit either way.
Why do you think I was setting the whole PB & J metaphor thing up? Do you think it’s because I was hungry? Wait, that’s actually kind of true, let me phrase that around. Do you think it’s because I wanted to compare peanut butter to Dan Gilroy?! No, it was because it seemed like the most appropriate situation here if the movie turned out to suck.
However, that probably may not be the case here considering some of the positive 'things' I've been hearing and that the movie looks like it has a strong lead (Hugh Jackman). And yes, the plot does sound like something a toy company would pitch to a movie studio, however with Hollywood going reboot/remake/adapt-the-living-shit-out-of-everything insane – who cares at this point? Maybe this could be a turning point for the better with this director, maybe the writers are given full access to the script and how it should be filmed, or maybe Brutuxan is just jealous of the fact that he wants his own fighting robot. I honestly don’t know the outcome for this movie.
While I should have made this movie blast it brains out, I’ll go ahead and give it it's damn candy.
The Thing (2011) –
So some people were wondering what the hell this is, is it an origin story as said by the director (I think)? Is it a remake according to the marketing of the film? Or is it actually a love story of a lonely brash young girl who falls in love with a misunderstood alien who feels compelled to be somewhat more…..human? (It can happen dammit.)
Well if you didn’t know, the movie is 'supposed' to be the prequel to the recently critically acclaimed (and bad-ass movie in general) The Thing (1982), directed by John Carpenter. This one in particular is directed by……..a guy with a reeeeeaaally long name (Matthijis van Heijningen Jr.). Writers are Eric Heisserer (A Nightmare on Elm Street [remake], Final Destination 5) and John W. Campbell Jr. (original short story). While the movie stars Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Kate Lloyd and Joel Edgerton as Sam Carter.
Here’s the plot summary –
“At an Antarctica research site, the discovery of an alien craft leads to a confrontation between graduate student Kate Lloyd and scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson.”
- IMDB, The Thing (2011).
See the thing is (ba-doosh!) I probably would have been more forgiving if I haven’t seen The Thing (1982), however I did – and guess what? I’m not really impressed with what I’ve seen so far. Mostly due to how high the bar has been set after seeing the groundbreaking monster effects for the last one (Rob Bottin bitches!). With this prequel/remake, while they did the smart thing by not showing most of the monster, it still didn’t look as great. Now it probably isn’t the movies fault (not yet anyway), however if you’re going to use CG to do monster effects – do them right.
So let’s switch things up, let’s look at this from the point of view of someone who has no idea what The Thing (original and 1982 version), Kurt Russell, or even know who John Carpenter is.
We’re starting up the trailer right now, all we have to do is wait for the advertisement about herpes to be over……….nope it’s still going. Hold on, this probably shouldn’t take too long………………you know for a commercial revolving around herpes these people look like they are having a blast. Okay, annnnnnd now it’s over!
Okay, here we go:
0:09 - The trailer starts out with a wide angle shot over an arctic ridge. Looks like the beginning scene in The Day After Tomorrow.
0:13 - Winstead looks eager to be on set (sarcasm).
0:25 – Heh, it’s probably a snowman.
0:43 – Lots of constant fade in/fade out/fade to transitions. Can we please stop over-editing our trailers?
0:54 – Doggy!
0:57 - Now this is where we start getting into the horror part of the trailer. Looks cool, I think.
01:15 – That is a lot of chocolate syrup.
01: 48 – Bwaaam!
02:06 – Pretty.
02:14 – 02:17 – Oh, I see what you did there trailer! Very clever.
02:24 – And of course you can’t end a trailer without a lame jump scare. Way to differentiate yourself from the other teen horror movies, marketing team!
And that’s it; well for one thing at least it’s about a bunch of adults instead of dumb teenagers. The alien monster from I’ve seen looks kind of freakish and seems like it’s going to be shown more in the movie. Also that chick looks hot….
Yep, despite me switching perspectives I still felt it was just decent. When you even examine the writer and the director and what they done, it kind of detracts even more of my anticipation for this movie.
Does the movie have potential? Ugh, I’m not sure – it’s so hard to tell, however if I were to make an assumption based on the talent behind this – no. So yeah, no is the answer.
The Big Year –
I really don’t think I need to explain this one, certainly so since the trailer tells you anyway. The Big Year stars Owen Wilson, Jack Black, and Steve Martin in this family friendly comedy about bird watchers. Yeah, this movie is obviously programmed to appeal to the same people who go to see movies like Old Dogs and Wild Hogs. And who exactly may be the demographic that goes to see this movie? Cats – just kidding, it’s Middle America.
The movie is directed by David Frankel who did Marley & Me, Miami Rhapsody, and The Devil Wears Prada. On the writers side, you have Howard Franklin who did several films that I have never even heardof, but have very famous stars in them (Sean Connery, Bill Murray, and Ryan Philippe if you consider the fact that you’re possibly living in an alternate universe). And guess what? It’s based on a book by Mark Obmascik!
Plot is essentially, as I briefly said about three bird watchers who try to spot the most unique/rarest birds at an annual event. And of course, this would have been fucking boring. So what does the studio(s) do? Add a bunch of likeable funny comedians so that the movie could at least be watchable.
However, my perspective may be coming from the wrong place since clearly the studio has already set their priorities on a specific wide audience.
Personally I don’t care at all about this movie, and I’m wondering why I didn’t put it in the 'Honorable Mentions' section. However, despite what I just said – this looks bad. Not 'I want to throw myself into an active volcano' bad, but just bad enough to where you want to shoot it in the head.
Paranormal Activity 3 –
Wow, that ghost is an asshole! Seriously, watch the trailer, he slams a guy’s head on a table and throws the furniture around as if he was Russell Crowe in a phone emporium! It’s like an older brother or sisters worst nightmare, the invisible annoying sibling!
As you can tell, the movie’s production has gotten better since the last one…..I think. Also why didn’t anyone tell me this was a comedy? Because I certainly was laughing every time the ghost was acting like a complete dick. Okay, I changed my mind, this needs to be removed from the list! However before I do that, let me explain the plot.
Paranormal Activity 3 is a prequel to the first film, in which we follow a family and two young girls (Katie and Kristi). We find out that both these girls are tied to some 'being' that keeps messing with the family and causing strange disturbances (and seemingly tries to convey to the viewer that, “I really want to be a guest star on the Maury Povich show”). Of course since this is the prequel, we get to see how things are set up for the future couple in the first film.
Most times when I see a trailer, I usually focus on the footage rather than the editing so that I could have an understanding about the movie’s plot. This is a difficult process which rarely provides me with having positive feelings about a movie before its release. I don’t know what it is that makes this one special, because it certainly isn’t the authenticity (ha). Folks, Brutuxan has these weird cases where sometimes if he really want to see a movie, it’s mostly for the wrong reasons (see The Room and Sucker Punch). However, Brutuxan is also aware that he should be mentally prepared if the movie is boring and agonizing to watch (drinking a lot of Pepto-Bismol helps a lot in this case).
As I said earlier, Paranormal Activity 3 does not get a rating because at least it looks somewhat entertaining. Go ahead and call me whatever you want, but the main reason why this does not deserve the bashing is simply due to what was presented. Actually the main reason I didn't give a ranking to Paranormal Activity 3 is that my candy seems to have gone missing. And strangely the only thing I have left is these mini coloring books about, "Why Jesus Loves You".
The Three Musketeers –
Let’s face it, we all make mistakes (like this blog). However if we can learn from our mistakes, then that should allow us to be better at what we’re doing, correct? So let me ask you this: since when did Paul W. S. Anderson deserve the right to do The Three Musketeers if he can’t correct his past mistakes with the Resident Evil series? Don’t get sassy with me, yes I know he apparently shits out money whenever he’s doing a videogame adaptation. However why The Three Musketeers?!
Actually, the movie probably should have been called 'The Four Musketeers' because all I ever see in the marketing for this movie is four dudes with swords (probably should have phrased that differently….). The plot is about, well, let IMDB explain….
“The hot-headed young D'Artagnan along with three former legendary but now down on their luck Musketeers must unite and defeat a beautiful double agent and her villainous employer from seizing the French throne and engulfing Europe in war.”
- IMDB, The Three Musketeers
I want to get this out of the way, I don't know shit about the original Three Musketeers. None, so maybe this plot is spot on with the original source material or maybe not. However if I were to phrase the trailer and the marketing into a single straightforward sentence, it would be this:
“What the fuck is this shit?!”
- Brutuxan, Rage Mode
The movie looks very typical of what Paul W. S. Anderson directs (which is not a good thing). The Three Musketeers stars Mila Jovovich (M’lady De Winter), Logan Lerman (D’Artagnan), Ray Stevenson (Porthos), Juno Temple (Queen Anne), Orlando Bloom (Duke of Buckingham), and Tracy Morgan (?????). Movie is also written by Alex Litvak (Predators) and Andrew Davies (Bridget Jones).
I can’t say enough how terrible and bland this movie looks. I’m getting more and more irritated with this movie every time I see a TV ad for it. Because it’s doing shit we’ve seen before! Take for example the part in the trailer where Mila Jovovovovovich (?) is sliding underneath a bunch of spiked balls in slow motion while wearing a ridiculously large dress (and what I’m going to assume by her fancy apparel is also wearing high heels too). Is this supposed to excite me?!
This movie doesn’t deserve the semi-automatic; this movie gets to have the shit blown out of it with a good ol’ fashion bazooka!
Honorable Mentions –
Well now that I'm out of candy, lets dig in to some of the lesser titles. To be honest, half of these titles probably aren't worth discussing. Not because they're god-awful, but because it's kind of hard to rip something apart when you just don't care about it from the start. Anyway let’s dive in and see what the hell I'm talking about:
Say it with me: booooooooring! Wait, you actually said that?! Dick move dude, dick move.
Joking aside, if you take a look at the writers and the directors resume – both of them are actually decent. Craig Brewer (director) did Black Snake Moan and Hustle & Flow, while Dean Pitchford (writer) wrote the original Footloose and the Hangover. There’s some pretty good talent behind this, it’s just a matter of how much of it will be inputed into this film? My curiosity mostly lies in the teams ability to treat this remake with care, or if it’s just another 'studio says you do this' situation.
Where's Kevin Bacon when you need him? Oh wait, he's doing stuff that's actually 'interesting'.
Johnny English Reborn:
Apparently Mr. English is very popular in the UK, and if he’s making tons of money over there then why bring him to the U.S.? It’s like replacing football with soccer, I don’t care about it. But it sure as hell ain’t gonna profit your organization due to the dozens of angry drunken rednecks beating down your walls with cheap beer-stained lawn chairs (wait, that’s Nascar). Johnny English Reborn stars Rowan Atkinson and is directed by Oliver Parker (Othello, and some other British stuff). Do I really need to explain the plot? It’s basically English trying to go after the Chinese premier while, I assume, he stumbles into some silly gag after gag after gag.
Wait, this may sound crazy, but what if the studio sends a spy to take me out after all the bad things I’ve said about Johnny English?! Oh crap! The spy is probably packing a combat knife, a pistol equipped with a silencer, and a laser gun! Wait a minute……what if they actually send Russell Brand instead?! Noooooo!!!!
I don’t care what anyone says; I put Roland Emmerich up there with Michael Bay and Zack Snyder, which is – all style, no substance. Sure I may have some venomous hatred against Roland simply because he fucked up one of my favorite all time monsters, but that was close to being 12 years ago, right? Clearly with this movie it looks like he’s moving on to something decent and less……..dumb. The movie is basically about a longtime theory that follows the Earl of Oxford (Rhys Ifans) digging up some of the dirt behind the uprising of Queen Elizabeth I. Essentially it’s a mystery film, however is it going to be an entertaining mystery film? I don’t know, everything looks great except the choice to direct this movie which is Roland Emmerich.
The movie certainly has potential, but just like with Transformers 3 it could easily be fucked up.
Puss in Boots:
Are you honestly shocked that they made this? Have you seen the trailer for Battleship? If not, then go watch that before you whine to me about why Dreamworks would dare do a spin-off of a popular animated series of films (m-o-n-e-y). Honestly though, this could very easily fall into either category of “stupid” or “fun”. It’s hard to tell whether the director is going to be providing something interesting or at least 'funny' for this movie.
Starring Antonio Banderas (Puss), Salma Hayek (Kitty Softpaws), and Zack Galifianakis (Humpty Dumpty). The movie is directed by Chris Miller who pretty much worked on most of the Shrek films including Madagascar (this is also the second movie he directed). Puss in Boots is kind of a prequel to Shrek; at least that’s what the IMDB description told me. So yes, story is vague in the trailer and why is Humpty Dumpty involved? Who knows, though I’m sure someone has the answer.
Nope, not even I do dude.
Let me tell you something about Dirty Girl, which is directed by Abe Sylvia. The movie is in limited release, which of course is a problem for those who do not live in a cinema savvy environment. Well put those worries to rest, because the trailer for Dirty Girl basically shows the entire movie in less than 2 minutes. Although for those of you who are curious, the movie is about a bratty (and apparently slutty) girl played by Juno Temple who runs away with her gay best friend played by Jeremy Dozier. So far the buzz I’ve been hearing is that the movie has been receiving mixed word of mouth.
Although with a title like Dirty Girl you’d expect to see something featuring more ‘tits’ and less 'weird pop music' being played in the background of the trailer. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if romantic comedies had a different type of soundtrack playing in the background...
Now it’s time to wrap it up, and I’d like to thank, well, nobody really. Okay aside from Paranormal Activity 3, at least you made me laugh. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this Halloween edition of Movie Dumpster, and please let me know what you thought about this edition in the comment section below. And thank you for reading.
But before I go, let me ask you this. What was the worst Horror movie you've recently seen?