If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Hello every-BWODY! Welcome to another edition (Or in this case “first” edition) of “Brutuxan and the Movie Dumpster of the Future.” For those who don’t know what this is (which is probably 98% of you people) here’s the gist of it:
Basically the “Movie Dumpster of the Future” is an examining of monthly releases for movies that have a probable chance of being mediocre or a flaming piece of shit. This involves looking at trailers, pre-release buzz, and other stuff that involves me and the word “genital mauling” (not really). And before any of you engage me with a five page comment saying “You’re a dick!” I am not saying that these movies are going to be terrible. Maybe some will be pretty good, or maybe some will be just as bad as the trailer.
So since we’re half way through May, how about we go to June? Aw yeah boi!
Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
Judy Moody my ass, look at this oversaturated piece of work here! It’s like if a McDonald’s ad crossbred with an episode of Hannah Montana and it got injected with some of the editing from Scott Pilgrim. Oh man this has to be ONE of the most decent looking trailers I have ever seen!
Yeah, I honestly got nothing for this. Sure it’s another kid’s movie that is based on a popular series of books, but honestly as I just mentioned it’s another kid’s movie. Judy Moody stars Heather Graham as the aunt, Parris Mosteller as the brother, and Jordana Beatty in the lead role as Judy Moody herself. Sure it’s directed by John Schultz who did movies such as Like Mike and Aliens in the Attic however that’s all I can say about it.
The reason why I chose this movie is because, well, look at the rest of June goddammit!
Course I didn't bother to put the movies up there, but you get the point!
There is barely anything coming up that screams, “Giant piece of shit”. Well maybe until we get to our next movie….
X-Men: First Class
Yeah, yeah, go ahead and take out your torches and pitchforks and hunt me down as if I’m the only person who put this movie on the not-so-sure-if-its-good list. Despite the fact that it’s directed by Matthew Vaughn, produced by Bryan Singer (and that the trailer is actually decent) I have no hard evidence in front of me that is wrapped in a neat little bow and says “Pure Suckage” written on it. Well of course except for one, you see that logo?
Yep, this one right here in all its glory and majesty. This is the logo that was stamped in front of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, X-Men 3, Jumper, and of course other great movie such as the first X-Men. Oh wait, you mean to tell me that was over ten years ago? What about Taken, actually that wasn’t really a superhero movie too. Well at least Fox knows how to treat directors with respect-ehhh…..
You see where I’m coming from? Now will you stop throwing empty beer bottles at my nice house? Gawd!
Leave me alone! I'm trying to, uh, do something!
And here we go, another entry in the spy parody genre. Will it be good? Who knows – here’s the summary on IMDB:
“Lightning McQueen, pit boss Mater, and the rest of Lightning's crew enter the Race of Champions, a multi-national event taking place in Japan, Germany, Italy, France, and England.”
The spy element gets drawn into their somehow (as we’ve all seen in the trailer) and of course we have some new voices coming in such as Michael Caine. What makes this look like a mediocre sequel to an already somewhat mediocre first film (even though I didn’t think it was that bad) is that we already have seen a dozen of these spy parodies already. How about Lightning McQueen versus Xzibit? That should at least have some sort of originality to it, right?
I heard he's in charge of the videogame tie-in. Disney is pleased.
This is more like a “mention” section considering that it’s hard to pinpoint huge flaws in these trailers. Well let’s dive in then:
Green Lantern –
As Kermit once said, “Green is the color of my life”. So does Ryan Reynolds as he steps into the role as Hal Jordan. This has a lot of comic-book fans excited (except for me) because, well, it’s Green Lantern. What worries me about the movie after watching the trailer is that all the stuff on Oa looks cool, but how long will we be on Oa? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Green Lantern supposed to mostly take place in space? Eh, we’ll see though if we’ll actually get to spend more time on Oa (which I hope it is) rather than Earth.
Mr. Popper’s Penguins -
It’s Jim Carrey with a bunch of penguins. NEXT!
Bad Teacher –
Cameron Diaz in a starring role that will grant her new wings, but if you ask me those wings are made out of popsicle sticks and glue. Diaz stars as a rude and crude teacher at a junior high school who tries to attract the attention of a colleague. The director is Jake Kasdan who did Walk Hard, so maybe there is some hope for this movie.
God, when is July going to come?
Stupid bullshit has never become more "explosion-y."