If it's crap ... We'll tell you
*Basically the “Movie Dumpster of the Future” is an examining of monthly releases for movies that are probably going to be shit. This involves looking at trailers, pre-release buzz, and other stuff that involves me and the word “genital mauling” (not really). And no, I’m not saying that all these movies are going to be terrible, maybe some will surprise you and some won’t.*
It’s been a while since I did a Movie Dumpster blog, my last one was the New Year’s Edition (which you can check out here). It was fun, but I knew I had to eventually take a break and move on to something different. Since then I’ve been busy working on a project, and getting stuff done in my personal life (training crickets to play the flute, it will happen). Recently I just posted my From Prada to Nada review, which only took about a week to complete…….or two weeks……a month – you get the point.
Why am I suddenly covering May releases? I mean its Avengers month!
Therefore May can’t have any possibly bad releases, correct? Well my friend, you are so wrong that I can read the fear in your eyes. The "fear" that May might not turn out to be exactly what you wished, the "fear" that you might have to be dragged to a………..romantic comedy.
This is what’s going to happen after seeing A Little Bit of Heaven.
Don’t worry because Brutuxan is here to give you the scoop on what’s being shown at your local something-something-plex! So let’s take a dive in the Dumpster (that does not sound enthralling….) and see what’s inside!
Mother’s Day -
Wait, this is a horror remake by the director of Saw 2, 3, and 4?! Why haven’t I heard or seen anything about this? I mean even Sony marketed the hell out of The Roommate weeks before its release (or probably even a decade judging from how long those ads ran).
I don’t get it. Horror movies these days, no matter how shitty they look, can make a ton of money if they are properly marketed. And when I mean “properly”, I mean filled with forced jump scares and dumb teenagers (don’t forget about the cat).
So what gives Mother’s Day? Wait…..limited theatrical release on May, 4th, 2012. The DVD release is on May 8th, 2012.
Hmmm…..distributor is also Anchor Bay Entertainment, and it’s at a 53% on Rotten Tomatoes.
My educated guess is that it sucks, anyway moving on!
What kind of educated guess is that? More like a moronic guess.
Hey! No need to insult other people’s assertions, hold on – IMDb is telling me that it was released in 2010?! Oh wait, there’s more – production for the cinematography on this movie began on September 7th, 2009!
Wow, do I feel stupid…..
Aren’t you alw-
Shut it! Let’s delve into the cast and crew:
The movie is directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, who as I mentioned worked on several of the Saw movies. The writer is Scott Milam, who worked on, well, hasn’t really worked on anything. As for the plot, it’s about the owners of this house and their guests just living the good life! Drinking and partying, until a group of vicious bank robbers break in and take them hostage. Things get even stranger as the Mother (played Rebecca De Mornay) of the bank robbers reveals that this house originally belonged to her, but was lost in a foreclosure.
Does the plot sound confusing? Don’t worry, because the trailer also makes it look ridiculous!
Best of both, I guess……
Now look, I haven’t seen the original Mother’s Day (which was a Troma horror film). But from what I assume, the original probably didn’t take itself too seriously. Hence the problem here, we’re supposed to buy Rebecca De Mornay playing as a psychopathic mother?! She looks like a bank clerk, or a mom who just got home from work and somehow forgot to buy me a Crunch bar – I mean, let’s stick with the bank clerk visual comparison.
Judging from the incessant amount of horror remakes we keep getting, why not take other movies from different genres and turn them into horror movies? Grease would be pretty cool as a horror film, it’s already horrifying enough to sit through.
You read that right, this is indeed the title of the movie which stars Miley Cyrus as Lola. Even though her nickname is Lol – get it?! Demi Moore also stars as Lola’s mother, who I’m guessing is going to be on screen for about 5 minutes and that’s it.
The director and main writer for this movie is Lisa Azuelos, who wrote Hey Good Looking!, Cavalcade, and other movies with French stuff (and will also play a theme later on in the blog) in them. Alongside Lisa, is Kamir Aïnouz who worked on a short called Urban Genesis (best Sega gaming console ever).
As for the plot, Lola’s boyfriend breaks up with her and its soon revealed that Lola’s best friend is in love with her. You know what, here’s the trailer –
Sure I may not be the target demographic for this movie, but it still looks terrible. Come on! I just explained the plot in less than one sentence. Not to mention this looks like it belongs on the Disney channel – not a theater. By the way, what the hell is a Miley Cyrus?!
"And the Jay-Z song was on"?! Aren’t you like 15 or something?!
Preteens will probably love this movie, however if you’re an adult then this might be a miserable experience. So good luck taking your child to see this! Here's a pillow and a soft blanket if you need it!
A Little Bit of Heaven -
I don’t know what to say here, the fact that there’s another Kate Hudson movie coming out or that I don’t give a shit. I mean look at this trailer!
It’s like a schmaltzy Lifetime movie (oxymoron, I know) times a billion! Also for anyone putting out a trailer for their big upcoming film, let me give you some advice: let the trailer explain itself! If you have a narrator explaining your plot and doing it in such an unintentionally cheesy manner, then nobody will want to see your movie! It’s a pet peeve of mine when marketers think that having a narrator explain a movie’s entire plot in less than 2 minutes is a good idea.
Director of A Little Bit of Heaven is Nicole Kassell who did three episodes of The Killing (American version), and The Woodsman. Gren Wells is the writer for A Little Bit of Heaven and was unaccredited as the writer for the 2001 MTV Movie Awards?! Really IMDb?! Yes, because I’m sure Gren was furious over not being credited for the 2001 MTV Movie Awards!
The movie also stars Gael Garcia Bernal, Kathy Bates, Romany Malco, Whoopi Goldberg, and Peter Dinklage in what I assume explains the title of this movie (heh, heh.....not). But what I love the most in the trailer, is that in order to gain public interest they have to list Kate Hudson as an Academy Award Nominee (along with Kathy Bates and Whoopi Goldberg, what year are we in?)
What’s the plot? Well Kate Hudson gets cancer and has to make things right in her life, that’s it! You question the plot of a Kate Hudson movie?! How dare you!
Dark Shadows -
Now we get to a movie that should have wound up on the Honorable Mentions section, but due to repetitive trailer showings have now put itself here. Of course like with most Johnny Depp movies, it’s directed by Tim Burton and maintains that Gothic style he’s been doing for the last 15 years. 15 years!
However, what is this movie really about? Well it’s based on a TV show around the late 60’s that’s about a rich family being tormented by supernatural occurrences! This sounds, uh, kind of like the movie? Eh, I’m not completely sure about this.
Here’s the IMDb plot:
“An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection.”
- IMDb, Dark Shadows Page
What the summary leaves out is that Barnabas apparently wakes up in the 70’s. Which explains a lot of the imagery you see in the trailer, and one of the reasons why I despise it.
I saw this trailer several times yesterday, and each time I saw it the more obnoxious it became to me. Here’s why: forced McDonalds advertising, bad jokes, gags that feel 10 years old, and not enough Eva Green (meow!)
Another thing, who is this movie for?! Is it for kids? Can’t be since they made a weed joke, what about Dark Shadows fans? No? Then who is it for?!
Tim Burton fans? Actually that probably makes the most sense considering that most of the fanbase for the original show have probably passed away. And what’s there anyway isn’t large enough to be noticed. Sorry fans, but if Tim Burton wants a McDonalds scene, then he’s going to get a McDonalds scene.
Ba-da, ba, ba, ba! Forced advertising!
Yes! The movie everyone has been waiting for is here! Screw Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers! This is the movie and…….oh shit. My-my sarcasm juice has worn off!
"Smartass pill sold separately."
Aw great, well now I have to be all Down-to-Earth and crap. Sorry guy’s, but I have to give a fair analysis here.
I know, I know, however that doesn’t mean we still can’t have fun, no? Alright, Battleship is the latest money-vacuum from Universal (they probably need it anyway). Why are we getting a movie based on some board game? Well turns out that since the Bay-Transformers movies made a ton of money, Hasbro decided to strike a deal with Universal. Basically what this means is that you can expect all your “favorite board games” to be translated on to the big screen!
That’s right, Monopoly, Candy Land, Rat Trap, Bubba the Bear (?), all that stuff you can expect to see turn into a movie!
If by now you feel a sense of dread and gloom, then congratulations you’re a human being! Except for me, because I actually…..kind of want to see a Candy Land movie.
Wha?!! You dick!
Moving on! The director here is Peter Berg who did The Losers, some episodes of Friday Night Lights, and Collateral. Writers are, pft, heh hehehehhe. Alright, I’m done! No giggling, the writers are-HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Enough! The writers are Erich and Jon Hoeber, who have previously worked on Red, Whiteout, and Montana. It feels pointless mentioning the director and writers for this, because it’s basically a studio made film. I mean you see that trailer, and all you think in your head is “Michael Bay” and “Transformers.”
As for the plot…….aliens invade Earth and it’s up to a fleet of ships to help save the planet. Wow, it’s like I just magically looked up the plot summary on IMDb (don’t question me!)
The movie stars Liam Neeson (briefly I assume), Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Alexander Skarsgard, and Rihanna. So far the movie has a 48% at Rotten Tomatoes, but once we get closer to the release date it’s going to drop significantly (not that it matters anyway).
Could it be considered one of those guilty pleasure films? Probably not considering that either you’re going to love the film because of the effects, or you’re going to hate it because it looks like it has Michael Bay's stamp all over it.
Either way, no one with an active brain wins. Universal, you sunk my intelligence.
Chernobyl Diaries -
“Horror Clichés: The Movie!”
This is what I first thought when I saw the trailer for the Oren Peli affiliated movie. In case you were unaware, Peli was involved heavily with the Paranormal Activity movies and the upcoming "Area 51 film" that he supposedly is helping move forward.
How should I start this?
Well the director of this movie is Bradley Parker, who worked on Fight Club, Let Me In, and xXx. Screenplay is written by Oren Peli and was co-written by Carey and Shane Van Dyke. Story is about six tourists who decide to visit Pripyat, which is home to the deceased workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. Of course when they get there, they realize that they are not alone! Ooooh!
There are two problems here, one of which is that Bradley Parker is a visual effects artist and not a director. The other problem is that both Carey and Shane have previously worked on straight-to-DVD movies. What kind of movies you ask? Ever heard of Titanic 2, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, Paranormal Entity, and Transmorphers? Yep, they worked and acted in some of them as well.
I don’t know what Peli is thinking, actually scratch that, I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking that as long as he hires writers and actors that don’t require much pay, the movie can still gain most of its budget back a long with a few thousand dollars on the side. So as long as the current budget remains under 10 thousand dollars, then we have nothing to worry about!
Hmmm…..that has me thinking. I spend a lot of money, space, and effort (heh, effort) putting up the introductory artwork for every blog post. So in order to reduce costs and computer space, we’re going to get rid of that old one and put up a new one!
What to Expect When You’re Expecting -
What the hell kind of title is this? Who thought this was acceptable?! People have a hard enough time trying to buy their ticket to go see whatever movie, but to actually make them say this out loud?!
Okay, enough questions! Let’s get down to business, What to Expect While……You Are Expecting? Screw it, Pootie Tang 2 stars Chris Rock, Elizabeth Banks, Brooklyn Decker (again), Anna Kendrick, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez…….
Oh god, so tired from sounding off these celebrities. Hold on; just give me a few seconds……
…….Genesis Rodriguez, Dennis Quaid, Joe Manganiello-okay, I’m done! You’ve seen the poster dammit!
The director is Kirk Jones who did Nanny McPhee and Everybody’s Fine. Writers are Shauna Cross (Whip It) and Heather Hach (Freaky Friday). The movie is based on a book by the same title, which is written by Heidi Murkoff.
Since I’ve been on track with summarizing movies plots in less than one sentence, let’s see if this trend will continue. Pootie Tang 2 is about five “unique” couples having a baby and dealing with the consequences of fertile sex!
So did I do it? Did I pass?
Oh that’s bullshit! You know I at least got an 8!
Most of May seems to be covered, don’t see any more reason to keep this blog going. Well, that’s it! Bye!
Are they gone?
Aw dammit, fine! Let’s cover whatever is left, and go home.
I said moving on!
The Dictator -
Sacha Baron Cohen returns in this little flick, that has not been heavily marketed at all! Oh neat, the sarcasm juice still hasn’t worn off.
The Dictator is about, well, a dictator who’s trying his best to make sure that democracy never see’s the light of day in his country. What’s different here than from Cohen’s other films such as Borat and Bruno, is that this is actually scripted and was not preplanned or set-up. While it is great to see Cohen doing something different, will this be successful? It’s hard to tell, but unlike something like Dark Shadows where the trailer got increasingly annoying every time I see it, this kind of grew on me. Maybe I do have a heart…..or maybe it’s the after-effects of the sarcasm juice.
"Warning: makes terrible romantic comedy trailers seem watchable. Wait, really?! Did we make that shit up?!"
The Intouchables -
No one told me they were re-releasing the Untouchables, Jesus, does Connery need the money that bad?
Hold on, The Intouchables?!
Naw! I’m just hallucinating again, granted I usually hallucinate on a Tuesday, but it kind of happens in small doses throughout the week. Now, what were we talking about again? That’s right, The Intouchables!
The Intouchables is about a man who becomes quadriplegic after a paragliding accident (dumbass). After the dumbass-erry, a man from the projects gets hired to be his caretaker. Yada-yada, you see where this is going……
If you remove the French aesthetic of the trailer, what it boils down to is that this looks incredibly sentimental. In fact it reminds of the trailer for the Martian Child, where it starts out all happy and then toward the end it gets all serious and sentimental.
The movie is done by two directors, Olivier Nakache and Eric Toledano. I’m not going to comment on their work since I’ve never seen their movies, but I’m sure they’re up there with Coppola, Fincher, and Nolan.
Usually when it comes to foreign films I prefer not to judge too harshly simply because of cultural misunderstandings, but there’s no misunderstandings here! Clearly, these people sat down and watched every hollow feel-good Hollywood movie just so they can mimic all the beats. And so they could make some easy money, or maybe the directors really love those type of movies.
I admit I haven’t watched a lot of French cinema, so I might as well be discussing the specifics of wood furniture (which would probably be a much more fascinating discussion). However this film seems like it reeks……..just like the Fren-
Alright, well that’s enough out of you! If you know any great French films or just want to point something out, please post it in the comment section below. I would say thanks for reading, but honestly you probably wasted your time…….
Shut-up Acorn Man.
Update 5/1/2012 - I made a mistake, turns out LOL is a remake based on a "French" film by the same title and director/writer (Lisa Azuelos). Here's the trailer for the French version:
It's like the original trailer, except you know, French.
Thanks to the person who sent me this information. I now regret not having the French Section.......