Oh fucking Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with the world? Why are things like this allowed to exist? Yes, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unleashed two pieces of cinematic garbage upon the world in 2008 and whilst Meet The Spartans was a bad film it’s actually kinda watchable when compared with this entry in the _____ Movie franchise, Disaster Movie.
This film has absolutely no redeeming qualities. The jokes are shit, the performances laughable (though not in the way intended) and my world is a far, far more painful place having sat through it. And I have to live with that. I have to spend every waking hour of the rest of my life knowing that I spent an hour and a half watching this. No wait. It’s more than that because it took me three tries before I actually managed to sit through the entire thing. Each time I got about fifteen minutes through before I had to stop. So in essence I’ve spent two hours and fifteen minutes watching this piece of shit. I am a broken man.
And now I’m reliving it all again just so I can write this. Fine. Let’s get this the fuck over with. Remember all those trailers that came out in 2007/2008 for films like Hancock, The Dark Knight, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man and Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull? Friedberg and Seltzer clearly did because they inserted parodies of all of those films in this fucking film. They actually parodied films that they hadn’t seen yet. It’s ridiculous. As a result all the parodies of these films are just the character showing up and doing nothing or, in Hancock’s case, parodying one specific piece from the trailer itself. Well done movie. Well done. I applaud your creativity. Sorry, did I say creativity? I meant go fuck yourself movie. Go fuck yourself right to hell.
The rest of the parodies are pretty much the same fare that we saw in Meet The Spartans except somehow they’ve managed to take this time-tested method of spoofing pop culture and make it shitter. This film has even less respect for it’s audience. Where Meet The Spartans held your hand so that you could get each and every joke, this film grabs you by the fucking neck and rubs your face in the joke, whilst shouting at you “LOOK! LOOK WHAT WE’RE MAKING FUN OF! ISN’T IT FUNNY?!?! HAHAHA!” The whole thing is really rather tedious. “LOOK! LOOK! IT’S HANNAH MONTANA! SHE’S SHILLING THINGS EVEN AS SHE DIES UNDER A METEOR! ARE WE NOT EXCELLENT SATIRISTS?” I think you get the picture.
This film, for technically that’s what it is, almost makes me want to somehow stop all things from happening. Because as long as events occur, there will be things for these movies creators to ‘parody.’ Billions of years of evolution and thousands of years of civilisation led to the creation of these movies and for that reason alone I’m starting to think that this whole ‘Human Race’ thing was really a bad idea from the get go and we’d be doing the universe as a whole a favour by simply going extinct right now. And even if we don’t, something else may do it for us. After all, there’s the chance that these films are being beamed into space right now and that, some time in the future they will be intercepted by an otherwise peaceful alien civilisation who, as a result of watching them, come to the conclusion that existence would be a far better thing without these meddlesome hairless apes running around making shitty parody films. Well done Friedberg and Seltzer. You’ve doomed our species.
And what’s the worse thing about this damn movie? (If indeed anything can be considered worse than the impending annihilation of your species by pissed off extra-terrestrials?) The fact that they took something genuinely funny, in this case Sarah Silverman’s song ‘I’m Fucking Matt Damon’ and totally ruin it. Why movie? Why must you ruin good things with your dogged determination to suck so bad? I believe I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. Fuck you movie.
So that’s that then. Disaster movie is done and dusted and I’ll never have to watch it again but there will always be a part of me that is gone thanks to this movie, destroyed by it’s utter awfulness. I’m fairly sure that if you look into my eyes you’ll notice something is off, like a part of me has died in some way. So what kind of a rating can I give this film? I don’t think it really fits into our pint of beer scheme so there is only one way I can rate this. With the grand score of Unicum. If you’ve never experienced Unicum, one of Hungary’s national drinks, then you are exceedingly lucky. It is foul and so is this movie.