If it's crap ... We'll tell you
That's it! I know exactly what it is I have to do. I'm hitting my face with a big, fuckoff pan.
Sure, I'm aware of how childish this all sounds, but let me assure you that the only way I can correct certain things in my life is to man up and smash a cast iron skillet into my fat fucking face a few times. It takes a certain level of maturity to admit that to ones self. Even more to admit it on the internet.
The world is a complicated place. Disease, war, oppression, assault, children, anal blood- sometimes things get really out of hand and not even Ira Glass can make sense of things. Its days like that where we can rest well knowing that just in the other room, there's a nice, heavy, all-metal instrument of potential facial self-battery to help take the edge off. And it works better than the old wive's remedy of inserting honeybees into your urethra. I mean, sure- bludgeoning oneself in the face with a handle of pig iron isn't going to make you pee wildflower honey, but it sure as hell does the trick.
So next time your Nanna shits in your coffee mug, your girlfriend eats all of your crayons, or you've run over your retarded child slave... be glad that old mother nature had your best interests at heart when she invented her magnum opus- the cast iron skillet. And smashing yourself in the face with it.