Welcome back, Spillensteins, to another unfortunate yet necessary episode of Freeform Anger. Tonight’s feature, direct from the Home Office in the 10th level of Hades is 2006’s “Employee of the Month,” starring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. Mensa was sad to lose these two for a couple months while this flick was put together.
Mephisto sent me this movie because of my last FFA “Still Waiting….” He decided I had missed the joy of Dane Cooking. Now I used to like Dane Cook. When he was first on Comedy Central some years back he had some funny stuff. But then his ego got so big it collapsed on itself, so he allegedly stole some jokes and dropped to the level of making funny words at guys named Troy and Chet.
You know the guys. Several Abercrombie shirts, all with their collars popped, high-fiving each other while playing Halo and then awkwardly exploring each other’s sexuality after a few too many PBRs.
Jessica Simpson, well… I’m not paid enough to think of new jokes at her.
Tonight’s feature will be watched sober, unless I get real angry and rob a liquor store.
Crack your oars, men, let’s begin.
Are you kidding? Lions Gate AGAIN?
Welcome to Save Club. I love you.
No better place to go for 5-gallon jugs of hair gel and bulk generic condoms.
Andy Dick is NOT a doctor. I don’t care how thick the glasses you put on him are.
Go away, ‘baitin.
Pedro? I voted for him.
The boss’s name is Glen Garry. That’s going completely over the head of anyone who watched this movie on
My 8th grade Algebra teacher wore those shirts that look like graphs. They still make me afraid.
And HERE SHE IS! Tits McGee!
The chemistry between her and Dane will destroy the lab.
What is this, a prison? Actually, yeah, kinda feels like one. For me.
They have a secret little clubhouse. That rug really ties the room together.
What a strange series of metaphors.
And I got called on that one.
BLAH BLAH BLAH SHUT UP
Sick burn from Grandma.
Is Dax going to Punk someone? Where’s Ashton?
The Employee of the Month has a Posse.
BARCODE SCANNERS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY
That mirror was put there specifically. You know, for boobs.
I wish I could get generic beer like that. It looks… safe?
This is a lot of work just to get some tail. Even if it IS Jessica Simpson.
Montage of fail… GO
And once again the sage Indian employee unveils the truth. And a fart joke.
What kind of strange world have I become lost in?! God Save the Queen.
Does Dane Cook’s facial hair grow like half an inch a day?
Dude, that’s creepy. Stop it.
That’s so romantic broseph, I really want to go to where I work for a date.
The Dread Pirate Roberts is not pleased with appearing in this movie.
Big Ears? That’s the best you guys could come up with?
On his day off, the other guy from the Three Tenors likes to wax floors at the Ultra Mart.
A Always B Be C Closing!
Wow, look at all this product placement. Time to build my boycott list.
MIDGET TIME MIDGET TIME
Ultimate Mart should have a strict Bros before Hoes policy.
STOP LOOKING AT ME VINCE
Holy ass. Every time I see a kid on those skate shoes I want to trip them.
Let me reference my copy of The Chucklefuck’s Journey… yep, all bases covered.
This just became a baseball movie. Will there be sparkly vampires?
Nope. This is too gay, even for them.
No one’s working in the Artifact Mart… SMASH N GRAB
There’s more chemistry between Frito and Pedro than Good Luck Chuck and Chicken of the Sea.
Andy Dick will be having sex with those glasses at some point. I’m sure of it.
FOR THE HORDE
AND IIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOUR ANUSSSSS
You still are That Guy, Dane. You’ll always be That Guy.
How did we end up in the videotape scene of Mallrats?
The ending is like an Internet Argument. Even if you win, you’re still retarded.
Finally. See you in hell, you spawn of the Adversary.
Okay, let’s get one thing straight. I’ve seen worse movies. I’ve also seen better movies, like the Star Wars Holiday
It didn’t help that this movie probably cost about eighty bucks to make, plus a few hundred grand on push-up bras
and make-up for Daisy Duke. Seriously, have you seen those acne commercials? Toss my salad with rock salt
those are scary.
None of the characters were interesting or loveable. The only funny stuff came from Harland Williams and watching Dane Cook take a pallet to the face. And like so many movies, the character growth is so limited it feels like it was done in a closet next to my pot plants. “Employee of the Month” gets a low rental from me. Low like put it in the mid-twenties on your Netflix list and then send it back unopened once you get it. And to Dane Cook, a superfinger for you, sir. Leave the jokes to Lewis Black, Patton Oswalt, Louis CK, and Daniel Tosh. You know, funny people.
Tune in next time when I think Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a good movie thanks to brain damage. And as always, I'll be taking requests for awful movies to make me a sad panda. Farktoid out.