Eastern Europeans have their own health care system according to this movie...dumb American tourists. Taking the “Hostel”
train to the next scheduled stop, this “Train”
stars actress Thora Birch
, looking like she’s lost in pondering how her career got to this point after being in “American Beauty”
and “Ghost World”
. How, indeed?
Five Americans in Europe on a traveling wrestling team miss their train to the next match in Odessa. Their furious coach, who has stayed behind waiting for them, meets an ice-cold beauty who suggests they join her on another train that stops off where they’re going. And then everyone gets there and the USA wins the match after a music-set montage training sequence and everyone is happy, the end.
Instead we’ve got the urban legend express, a train that picks up near-retarded tourists and extracts their body parts as painfully as possible in less than hygienic conditions for those who can afford to pay for them. One by one the team gets picked off and brought into the back car for organ removal until Birch
turns into a lethargic Sara Connor
, toughing it up for a revenge.
Bloody isn’t enough anymore. It really isn’t. Sure, “Train”
is absolutely dripping with the red stuff, apparently even when cut down from the theatrical NC-17 to an R it is still worthy of activating one's gag reflex. But then again, who cares because its all predicable as can be and totally dull. I never thought I'd yawn while watching a Romanian Gunnar Hansen
look-a-like gut frat boys, but there you are. "Train" doesn't commit the cardinal horror sin of making its entire cast of victims unlikable jag-offs like so many other horror movies do, there’s not much to say about them either. To say they're cyphers gives their character detail too much credit. At best, they're Everytourist (tm) and we've seen them all too many times before. Even Birch
looks like she can barely wake up enough to give two craps. It picks up a bit towards the end once we finally get to some proper revenge but it's hardly substantial or satisfying enough to be worth wading through the rest of the film for. “Train”
is one to SKIP
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