You can't blame me, this looked like it had an outside chance of being one of those 'finds'. It happens. This many stars in a film like this (even mediocre stars) and you assume something has to be up. Unfortunately, the only thing that seems to be happening here is that someone has cracked the Uwe Boll casting code, a level of dark magic I thought too dangerous to the soul for any but that evil little German cinecromancer.
Let this stand as a warning to you all: don't let the casting be your guide. It's not safe. Here, I'll let Jason explain it since he's the one now hospitalized for extreme exhaustion and moral collapse after having to sit through this. Cheer up, little buckaroo, more "Friday the 13th" re-releases are on the way...
Somewhere in the Middle East, an archaeological dig has gone awry. A crack team of mercenaries is sent to rescue the scientists, who have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. At the dig, a horrible, ancient evil has been unearthed.
And I'm pretty sure it was this fucking DVD.
'The Devil's Tomb'
was sent to punish mankind for it's inequities. Like plagues of frogs or angels butchering cities, God has set this upon us. I blame Friedberg/Seltzer
and reality television. This movie is where has beens and happy things go to die.
Don't be fooled by the cast! That's the candy that rests outside, to lure you into the Devil's sphincter. Cuba Gooding, Jr
? Ron Perlman
? Henry Rollins
? I don't blame them. I like to think they didn't know what they were getting into. But heed my words! Don't follow them! Only pain and pestilence lay down that path.
I can only imagine what happened when the cameras weren't rolling, on that first day, when the horror of it all dawned on them...
Cuba Gooding Jr: Aww, hell. Henry Rollins is in this?
Henry Rollins: Aww, hell. Cuba Gooding Jr is in this?
Ray Winstone: Jesus. I just hope Gary Busey doesn't show up.
Ron Perlman: Get my agent on the phone.
Cuba Gooding Jr: If this goes straight to SYFY, Cuba Gooding Jr is going to punch somebody in the nuts!
Ron Perlman: Scratch that. Just get Guillermo to call me back. Please. For the love of God, Guillermo. Hellboy 3. Please. I'll even do it for free. Just call me back, Guillermo.
Cuba Gooding Jr (to the director): Do you need Cuba Gooding Jr to say 'Show me the money?'. I'll do it for $500 bucks. $500 and some scratch off tickets.
Henry Rollins: Dammit. Do you know who I am? I was in Black Flag!
Cuba Gooding Jr: Black what? What did you call me? 'Cause "Boat Trip" paid Cuba Gooding Jr cash money. And it was just a movie!
It begins with a painfully bad voice over from Cuba Gooding Jr.
as we're introduced to his typical motley crew of mercenaries. Immediately we start picking who is going to die first. They strut around the desert on their mission, the hot air thick with the glib camaraderie of the marines from "Aliens"
. From there on out, it's a lot like "Red Sands"
, but it's really pillaging "Event Horizon"
, a few elements of "Prince of Darkness"
, and , of course, "Aliens"
. There's even a soldier named Hicks
. The dialogue is as steady as a game of Jenga
played by crashing tweakers. There's no rhythm or flow to it. They throw lines at each other without a hint of chemistry, as if they're not even in the same scene. The only lines delivered with any gusto are little bon mots like, "Welcome to Hell"
, "Lock and load",
or "Eat this"
. Then in comes Henry Rollins
, sucking the life out of every scene and making everyone else look like master thespians.
There's no build from one threat to a greater threat - just a grab bag of 'scary'
moments. The intermittent and ultimately useless flashbacks are crammed down your throat, hoping to convey that the characters have a troubled past. Troubled past? Troubled present. They're in this movie. Troubled future, for damned sure. After this, they're going to find themselves fighting over a supporting role in "Anaconda 7: Jesus Christ, There was an Anaconda 6?"
-Commentary with Director Jason Connery
Connery) and Cuba Gooding Jr
-Alternate Scenes - Yes, give me more of this crap. More! The last hour and a half wasn't bad enough! Let's have some more!
-Outtakes - Sadly it's not anyone breaking into tears when they realize their families may see this.
-"Beneath the Desert: Behind the Scenes of The Devil's Tomb"
- I really wanted some frank confessions here. I wanted 'Hearts of Darkness'
breakdowns and people screaming at their agents. "How could you do this to me?!?"
I thought this was supposed to be a horror movie. It is, in it's own way, I guess. There are no scares, no action, and no passion. It's infested with obnoxious, pseudo-philosophical jibba-jabba. It's not a car wreck; It's the aftermath. These poor, poor bastards. They thought they were appearing at a car show in rural Georgia, but instead, they got trapped in "The Devil's Tomb"
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