If it's crap ... We'll tell you
*Warning* The opinion of Brutuxan does not reflect the outcome of the film or the size of Michael Bay's penis. Thank you.
Dammit Bay! I just got done with my “Movie Dumpster” segment for June (which you can check out here), and now you decided to release the movie later that month?! Was “Judy Moody” not enough for June?
Nothing can prepare you for this.
Well despite my complaining, I am excited! Finally, we Americans can conclude this trilogy that does everything to symbolize our country. Everything from bad shaky cam, to frat boy humor, to piles of metal layered in a messy fashion, and of course Devastator’s balls. Because we love seeing that!
But of course you have the haters who cannot embrace this g-g-great trilogy for what it is…popcorn….munching…….summer fun. So let’s list out the positive aspects of what I gathered.
“It can’t be worse than the second one, right?”
You kidding me? That second movie was super-duper fun! Man, when those offensive black stereotypes entered the movie I was thinking to myself, “Who was the genius behind these two robots that have no more, or if less, intelligence than that of a dead chicken with the brain plucked out?”
Oooh, how about when Shia LaBeouf entered a college for super models and almost had sex with a girl who had a tail and was made out of space metal? Pft…..haters.
“Seriously, it cannot be worse than that last one.”
Look buddy, I already told you why that last one was super-duper-whatever-the-hell-fun. You have John Turturro wearing a thong, racist robots, and sexy space tail. What more do you WANT from me?!
"More action, more explosions, and more 3-D!”
Yes! This is what we have been waiting for! More robot on robot action, more mind-boggling explosions, and more 3-D. Oh man, my nipples are getting riled up right now, and these heroes aren’t even from this country! All those elitists’ film critics don’t know what the hell they want. Oh now we need a story, oh now we need a strong lead, oh now we want to see more Transformers, oh now we want to see what the HELL is going on! I take pity on those people who can't simply enjoy a movie even though they have a genuine opinion! Peh!
However I guess we have to address the hater’s opinions, so here we go……
“Wait, L.A. test audiences say it has more action and explosions, however isn’t that the problem with the first two?”
Hell no, but I guess I have to be reasonable here. Look if you want to make changes to an already controversial trilogy that’s fine. Like if the Dark Knight never happened and if Warner Bros. decided to just put out a sequel where its shot for shot and everyone is wearing clown shoes, then that’s okay. Bay understands this logic by simply adding more of the same, more same explosions, more same action scenes, and more same hot chicks who are now comprised of blondes instead of brunettes (out with the old, and in with the typical American cliché I always say). I hate to break it to ya’ young Johnny sitting there with your blue hat and a baseball mitt, but having more of the same is what makes everything better.
“Too much human dialogue! When are we going to see more of the Transformers?”
We have an established human male character that everyone can relate to. Aside from the fact that if this were real life then this guy would not be boning Megan Fox. But it’s a movie! You’re not supposed to take this or even the writing that seriously……..anymore.
The mainstream can’t relate to a giant robot that transforms into a semi-truck. Because how the hell are we supposed to explain what he puts in his cargo container?
Calm down, red sand is legal on Earth ya' damn right wingers.
“Bay said that this one was going to be darker, yet he also said that about the last one and look how that turned out.”
It was darker you morons, check out the credits. They added a lot of darker color tones for the background; the problem was that you complainers weren’t paying ATTENTION! From what I heard on the "internet", there seems to be a lot of comparisons between this third movie and “Black Hawk Down”. Which leads me into the next point-
“Once again, we already had seen that.”
Gasp, how dare you! Black Hawk Down started the “I can’t tell what the fuck is happening” genre! It was what led us to famous movies like Battle L.A., where you can’t tell if a muppet or a lemur on cocaine was controlling the camera. People have to, no wait, must acknowledge the brilliance of this filming technique that some kid working at an Applebee’s could easily do for 5 bucks. It takes skill man.
“Are Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman writing this one?”
No, this time it’s written by some guy who did some stuff. Honestly, check IMDB, his name is Ehren Kruger and he’s that one guy who probably wrote a single sentence for both The Ring and The Brothers Grimm.
“Isn’t Megan Fox the whole attraction of this entire series? Why did they get rid of her again?”
Mr. Bay had some, ummm, issues. However you my friend have nothing to worry about. This time we have someone new joining the cast and that person is Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley.
Meow! Look at that! And not only is she gorgeous, but, yeah, that’s pretty much all I can say. She’s been in “The Victoria’s Secret fashion Show” and the “2011 MTV Awards”. Ehhh….SHE’S STILL HOT!
Well that’s all the information I have. However my feelings for this movie are still at 100%, bring on Transformers 3 baby! WOOO!!!
“What about Shockwave?”
Who gives a shit, WOOO! Also please leave your comments and let me know if I missed any tidbits of information. Thanks.