Ya know, I hear a lot of trash talk from a lot of folks about how much they hate Billy Brooks and I can honestly say that I didn’t know what they were talking about. At first I thought that those people were just scared of new things or they were jealous or lashing out at the brash, jockish character that so many geeks have come to hate as a general reflex, but as the weeks go on I’m starting to understand what people are talking about. I’m starting to see that Billy is less of an exciting new comedian and more of a loud, conceited, passively braggadocios, douchebag. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to prove this in a carefully crafted point by point analysis.

1.) LOUD
One of the biggest things that Billy haters the site over will agree with is that one of the most annoying things about Billy is his big loud booming laugh. Now, I can’t get on Billy too much about the volume of his voice, when people think things are funny and they laugh its not their fault how it sounds. HOWEVER, in Billy’s case I think it’s fair to point out just how annoying Billy’s loud cackling guffaw of a laugh is. Billy’s laugh is like a cross between a mental patient literally succumbing to hilarity, the crows from the movie Dumbo and the high pitched scream of that Nazi who got his face melted off in Raiders of the Lost Arc. First and foremost I want to say that I don’t blame Billy for his laugh, as off putting as it may be, he can’t help that. I also understand that funny things are said on a comedy podcast and when we hear them we all laugh, but is it necessary to all but scream into a microphone that, you yourself control? The mic is in his hand,  and he can elect not to put it inches away from his mouth while he laughs, instead he elects to subject the entire audience to his loud unrealistically long Lemongrabish howling fits.

2.) CONCEITED
I haven’t ever got the opportunity to speak with Billy personally but if any of his interactions with Spill members like Chicago Jonathan and fellow actor Bert Belasco are any indication, Billy seems to be one who regards others as categorically beneath him. Within thirty seconds of meeting both Chicago Jonathan and Bert Belasco he managed to insult them both as I understand it insulting Jonathan’s fashion sense likening him to a picnic blanket and flat out dismissing Belasco by saying, “God, could you BE more boring.” Again, I’ve never met Billy and maybe he’s a good guy in person, but from what is universally said about him he fits the profile of one of those better-than-you types.

3.) PASSIVELY BRAGADOCIOUS
I believe everyone who listens regularly, knows that Billy never misses an opportunity to talk about how he’s an actor or his time in Los Angeles or how much he works out or the women he beds, or the uniqueness of his Jewish heritage even if it has nothing to do with the situation. Some people may hate him for this but to a degree I don’t blame him for it even though it is rather annoying. I find that it’s rather typical of people who live in Los Angeles to speak in this way. LA is a big town where the name of the game is to show off how much you’re worth and the way to accomplish that was to talk about yourself constantly but the key to getting away with it is by doing it on the sly. Let me give you an example of a classic LA/Billy sentence; a normal person might say something like, “I was driving to work the other day and I saw a homeless guy on the street. I felt sympathy for him and gave him five dollars.” Billy, on the other hand might say something like, “I was riding in my Mercedes after swimming my laps at the gym, heading to rehearsal for the new play I’m in. (I have a big part in it so I need to be there on time) but along on the way I see a homeless guy on the street. He looked like he needed a hand and I said to myself, ‘Oy vey, I’m making enough money let me give this guy some pocket change’ so I opened up my money clip and gave him something small like five dollars or something I don’t remember, whatever was on top. Ya know, you’ve got to be compassionate to people these days.” You see how much better that makes you sound? The second set of sentences says so much more about you that the other sentences don’t. First it shows that you’re in shape, secondly that you drive an expensive import car, third that you’ve got an important job in an interesting field, fourth, that you’re Jewish which is more highlighting of your unique qualities and fifth, that you make a lot of money, so much so that it doesn’t matter to you what you give because you’ve got enough and sixth that you’re being “humble” about it. I’ve come to find out through firsthand experience that’s the way that everyone in LA talks. That being said, I’m not sure I blame Billy when he does that. At a certain point you don’t even realize you’re doing it but for the people who haven’t lived there it is stomach churning.

4.) DOUCHEBAG
While some may assert that I have haphazardly jumped to saying that Billy is a douche I’d like provide backup to this assertion. One popular definition of the word “douchebag” on UrbanDictionary.com defines a douchebag (spelled as one word as opposed to Webster’s spelling as two) as being, “a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behavior, or outward presentation... He has an inflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a lack of social grace and self-awareness. He behaves inappropriately in public, yet is completely ignorant to how pathetic he appears to others. He often talks about how cool, successful, and popular he is, yet never catches on to the fact that he comes across as a total loser. Nevertheless, he firmly believes that he is the smartest, most desirable, and most charming person in the room and will try to bad-rep anyone who would threaten to expose this facade. He fancies himself a ladies’ man, yet tends to be a joke to all but the most naive of women. He tries to portray himself as part of the in-crowd (a fashionista, an upwardly mobile professional, the life of the party, etc.) but only succeeds in his own mind. To everyone else, he is an annoying and arrogant phony who comes across as a wannabe overcompensating for his insecurities. He tries to appear like the center of whatever group will tolerate him, but in reality, he is just a tag-along who mooches drinks, women, contacts, social standing, and other benefits from the group... while contributing nothing.” While Mr. Brooks may not encompass 100% of the traits as described in the above definition, I believe that it coincides with Billy’s on-mic persona.

All in all, after a long analysis I have come to the conclusion that Billy Brooks is indeed a loud, conceited, passively braggadocios, douchebag. However, there is something to be said about Billy inspite of this. He is indeed a very successful man with many honored mentions in local Austin papers and magazines for both his work on the stage and his image as a socialite in city. He is a snappy dresser, drives a classy import car and despite his douchebaggerific personality, his little black book seems to be rather full. Leading me to a question I have for all the Spillios and Spilli-hos out there (it’s a question I had to ask myself) and that is, would it really hurt us to try to be a little more like Billy? Seems to me like in the face of everything thats so “negative” about him, he’s getting what he wants out of life. It’s indeed a thought provoking question, one not easily answered with a simple yes or no. It is a question that I will personally be mulling over quite seriously in the future.