If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Well, now that 2010 is over and everyone else is doing it, what better time to give my take on the absolute worst films of 2010. For starters, this will not be a strictly numbered list- rather, it will look into a variety of genres and categories before ultimately reaching the #1 pick. That said, here are the results, starting with...
Worst Comic Book Movie: Jonah Hex
It's kind of like beating the dead horse that is probably Megan Fox's career by this point, but getting cannibalized to a mere 72 minutes in the editing room is the least of this film's problems. A nauseous metal soundtrack, an incomprehensible plot, repetitive flashbacks, random supernatural powers, shoddy production values and a cast that looks like they really regret signing on to this thing, Jonah Hex is so bad it's fascinating.
Worst Action Film: The A-Team
You know what? Michael Bay ain't got SHIT on Joe Carnahan in terms of big-budget irritation. If you think that Clash of the Titans is honestly worse than this (and it's pretty bad too- the shitty 3D probably pushed it over the top for many), keep in mind that while watching the action scenes in Titans it's actually possible to, you know, FOLLOW WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON. When a fistfight occurs in this film, Carnahan likes to combine quick cuts and close-ups in a way that makes it impossible to tell who is hitting what or where which person is being hit. For that matter every action scene comes off like images filmed by an epileptic combined with deafening noise that ultimately signifies nothing. The great cast is wasted (including Patrick Wilson, who clearly relishes being chief villain here) and the material is trying too hard to be edgy and "badass" (or at least the Michael Bay definition of it), instead feeling surprisingly mean and devoid of the goofy, silly charms of the 80s series that inspired it, with any attempts just feeling crude. Don't even get me started on how jarring it is when they actually try to have drama that we're supposed to take seriously. If you think the people paying good money to see this will care about that after seeing people try to fly a tank, then you're the real fool.
Worst Family Film: Furry Vengeance
Seriously, just stare at that poster. Keep staring. Keep focusing on the promise of Brendan Fraser being molested by a bear with an impossibly creepy cartoon expression.Keep thinking about the various forms of abuse that will be suffered by both Mr. Fraser onscreen and us, the audience, within. Think about all the talents wasted (Ken Jeong, Angela Kinsey, Brooke Shields I guess). Think about the complete lack of anyone to care about, let alone sympathize with, be they clueless humans or psychotic murderous animatronics trying to pass for real animals. Think about your definition of the lowest common denominator, the absolute bottom of the barrel, and how just by looking at the poster you can tell that this film manages to sink even lower than that.
Now do you agree? Good. Let's move on and never speak of it again.
Worst Animated Feature: Alpha and Omega
Frankly, I'm dumbfounded that something this shoddily animated managed to get a theatrical release, let alone a 3D one. Visually it's barely passable by the standards of television animation, so expecting someone to pay $14 or more per ticket to see this cheap, gratingly repetitive waste over all manner of better options is representative of how dumb Hollywood studios can think we are. Then again, seeing how many people paid to see the next film on this list may prove them right...
Worst Comedy: Grown Ups
Adam Sandler truly is a God among moneymaking stars- he's managed to swindle $80 million of a studio's money to go on a vacation with his buddies, bring a camera to watch them make off-their-game excuses for jokes and YouTube-quality pratfalls, and then awkwardly cram in a dramatic plot filled with "pathos" (something about a dead gym coach) so it can be passed off as a movie that we are expected to pay $10 to watch. Thanks to Sandler's martyr-esque starpower we made this the highest-grossing comedy of 2010. Keep that in mind- we are responsible. Now let me know how you feel about that. Whatever I'm feeling, it certainly isn't good.
Worst Romantic Comedy: The Back-Up Plan
Believe me when I say that having also seen Leap Year AND When in Rome that THIS is the worst excuse for a rom-com in 2010.And really, how could you say otherwise once you've seen it? Like several other J-Lo rom-coms the film is crippled by the surely talented Lopez sharing the screen with yet another unidentifiable piece of wood posing as a male lead, forcing Lopez to carry the entire film on the back of her charms, and once again it simply doesn't prove enough. But no failed rom-com starring the new American Idol judge has proved nearly incompetent as this one, with every script element proving groan-inducingly contrived (they break up and get back together THREE TIMES over the most moronic reasons) or simply pulled out of a random rom-com generator (they sell goat cheese? Seriously?). Supporting characters feel pointlessly mean-spirited, jokes fall flat and delivery is even flatter. This is a film so lazy it relies on random cutaways to a handicapped dog to try and earn laughs- and the dog doesn't even do anything!
You know, American Idol's not looking like a bad career move after this.
Worst Sequel: Sex and the City 2
Do you really need me to tell you why this film is the offensive, garish, putrid piece of scum it is, one that disgraces a franchise beloved by many and is even disliked by many diehard fans? Well, in case you do, let me sum it up for you: the climax of this film involves the 4 spoiled caricatures of New Yorkers making a dash to the airport, the stakes being that if they don't reach their return flight on time, they'll have to *gasp* ride back in coach! (dun dun dun!)
Yeah, I think that should do it.
Absolute Worst Film of 2010: The Last Airbender
Good f****ng GOD where do I begin?! M. Night Shyamalan already had 3 strikes against his career before this, but after this his camera should file a restraining order. People called what George Lucas did with The Phantom Menace "raping your childhood". Let me set things straight- that is NOT "raping your childhood". That is occasionally touching your childhood inappropriately. Now what Shyamalan has done to fans of the wonderful animated series Avatar: The Last Airbender (myself included)? This? THIS is "raping your childhood". This is a joyless, speechlessly dull stab at an "epic" consisting primarily of poorly-inserted exposition that just keeps coming in increasingly shoehorned ways. Calling the acting wooden would be an insult to the trees senselessly killed to vomit out Shyamalan's script, which has without a doubt the worst-written dialogue I've heard from a big-budget blockbuster in who knows how long. For a $150 million adaptation of an English-language series to mispronounce the name of the main character among others is baffling- either Shyamalan never watched the show he was adapting or he made it his mission to piss off the passionate fans in every conceivable way. Even the effects are weak- the signature airbending promised looks like someone throwing globs of pixels around, and the actors just look like they're flailing their arms around like they think the effects will do the work for them later. Nothing looks influenced by martial arts in any way. But the worst insult to audiences, be they fans or not, is the complete lack of excitement or basic entertainment. In the show Aang was like any kid- he wanted to have fun wherever possible. But in this shitsty he and every other character is an emotionless blank slate who refuses to offer any believable human emotion for anyone to relate to or allow for any kind of humor to crack through.
The Last Airbender is easily the worst big-budget blockbuster since Batman and Robin. Yeah, I said it. I dare you to find something that cost so much money that sucked this bad. Transformers 2? Yeah, at least that movie TRIED to be entertaining. It (mostly) failed, but at least it was clearly trying. This film doesn't even bother fulfilling the most basic function of a blockbuster- to provide entertainment. And really, nothing is worse than not trying.
What do you guys think? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!