Okay, let me be the first one to say that I've seen some really SHITTY movies. Hell, I'll be the first one that openly admits that I watch shitty movies for a good laugh and sometimes, well sometimes just because I'm bored out of my mind. But rarely, and I do mean rarely, is there a movie that actually goes from just being "shitty" to being put on my "worst movie ever" list.
Let me give you my two standard "Worst Movies Ever" so you understand where I'm coming from.
First there is "Wendigo" that came out in 2001.
What puts this one on my "worst ever" list is the fact that not a god damn thing happens the entire movie. The "Plot", if you can call it that, is supposed to be about a father that is stressed out due to working as a photographer for an ad agency. How the FUCK can someone get stressed out taking pictures, normally of hot babes in skimpy cloths and kick-ass vehicles is beyond me, but some reason this dick is getting stressed out about it. Taking the family out to the country is his idea of "stress-relief", which is also fucking stupid, because EVERYONE ON EARTH knows that taking the family out in the middle of nowhere is often the WORST way of relieving stress. Especially when your wife seems like a cold-fish that is barely capable of showing ANY emotion, and your only child is so fucking naive and gullible that he's going to believe anything that anyone tells him.
Anyway, after a car accident with a deer that runs across the street the family runs into a redneck. I should stop right there, because most of you are going to think that the story is going to be about how the redneck and his friends torture the family in the country. But NO, the fucking story changes to the son being told a folk-lore tell about the local Indian population's version of the "Wendigo" myth; half-man/half-deer. We then spend the rest of the movie (Around an hour and 15 minutes) of watching this kid trying to decide if the deer on the road was the Wendigo creature or not. But wait, there's more. For some fucking reason (That is never explained) the redneck decides that he wants to mess with the family for a night. So now, we toss in that old cliche of "redneck scare" in a movie that up until now has absolutely nothing at all to do with rednecks in any way what-so-ever.
Is the acting bad? No, actually there are some good acting. Well, okay Jake Weber is good, but everyone else is just reading lines and not really giving anything worth remembering. Hell, Erik Per Sullivan
(Yep, that's right .... Dewey from "Malcolm in the Middle") is so fucking wooden that I'm surprised he isn't used as kindling in the movie. Look, this movie is so horribly bad that even Box Office Mojo doesn't know it existed.
Second, is the 1973 "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things".
Alright, I know. It's a cheaply made 70's zombie movie. But that's not the problem. The problem is just how cheaply this one is made. The horrible acting is one thing that I could have overlooked, if it wasn't for the fact that it's fucking community-theater-level acting. Of course, also having your whole cast looking as though they are about to crack up laughing all the time because of the cheesy-camp doesn't help any either. While I know that most people have never seen this movie, it's on my "worst ever" list because it COULD have been something that worked, if it was handled by someone that actually knew what the fuck they were doing.
Bob Clark (Director) did go on to give us such "great movies" as Porky's and Christmas Story, he also gave us pieces of shit like Rhinestone, Loose Cannons, Baby Genius and Baby Genius 2. Clearly, it should go without saying, but should be said anyway.... the directing SUCKS. Alan Ormsby (Main actor) went on to write Porky's 2, which wasn't as good as Porky's, but he also gave us The Substitute, The Substitute 2 and 3.... okay, look his writing sucks. But it's Alan's work as the character "Alan" (That's original... insert rolling eyes) that completely drains your life from you (no pun intended with a zombie-movie).
This movie is simply someone that saw "Night of the Living Dead" and said to themself; "I can do better". Well Alan, sorry but you couldn't do better, you could do worse. A LOT WORSE!
But now we finally get to a film that as of right now is my number 3 film, and strongly pushing to the number 1 spot because I've not even gotten 1/3 of the way through it, and it's killing me to finish it.
Platoon of the Dead, 2009.
The bad acting? Hey, I can overlook bad acting when it's at least TRYING to be good. Some people just can't act, we all know this. But some people should never, ever, ever, EVER be put in front of any camera and told to give lines. I'm even talking about being told to give lines in front of a cell-phone camera. Speaking of cell-phones, I'm sorry but someone should be told that just holding a cell-phone upside down does NOT make a convincing "futuristic communications device".
I can even overlook the poorly funded look of the movie. Some of the best movies are the ones that started off with little to no funding, Clerks for example. But this is so piss-poor in quality, that it makes The Blair Witch Project look like a damn $100 Million Dollar movie. Look, no matter who you are or where you live, taking a camera off the shelf of the local Wal-mart, and going into the woods, does NOT make you a film crew. Nor does filming the movie in what appears to be your own home help either.
Cheap special effect? For crying out loud, I grew up in the 70's and 80's. I've SEEN piss-poor special effects. I've seen poorly executed bluescreen overlapping effects. I've seen horrific make-up effects. Hell, I've grown accustomed to overlooking poor special effects from watching Troma films like "Redneck Zombie" and "Surf Nazis Must Die", but come the fuck on. Walking around with what appears to be off-the-shelf Star Wars guns as your "futuristic laser guns" doesn't cut it. Working with CGI effects so cheap that even Sy-Fy would reject your movie because it wasn't "good enough" just doesn't cut it.
But what really kills me, and kills this movie.... well, the complete and utter stupidity of it all. Just because you were able to get Army-Surplus uniforms, does not make you soldiers. For the love of God, remember that a Colonel's Oak-Leaf does NOT make someone a private. When you have someone that is supposed to be "impaled" by a limp, make sure that when you digitize him out of the scene, that the limb itself isn't obviously sawed off with an ax. Looking at a painting of a cow with the joke "Looks like my ex-wife" doesn't help your movie. Zombies that look like they are your MOTHER doesn't help either. Then again, going out and getting Halloween skeleton decorations, and attempting to claim that it's "Human remains"? Oh fuck me, at least fucking TRY to make it believable by adding some wet ketchup for fuck's sake. Oh, and before I forget. Someone should tell your "Lieutenant" that the Army does NOT allow you to walk around with a hipster's mustache and goatee. This is especially true when your ponytail is obviously pulled up and covered by your hat, which by the way I guess should go without saying (but I'm saying it anyway) is also NOT the same type of hat as the rest of your "team".
Look, this movie is BAD. I mean absolutely BAD. So bad, that everything I've mention being BAD in this movie is JUST IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES.
Platoon of the Dead, is available on Netflix for instant viewing. I can only say "Watch it at your own risk". But if you MUST view this movie, do so with some friends. Maybe you can turn it into something like this........