....David Hasselhoff?

Really?

Oh yeah.

Really.

RLY?

SRSLY. RLY.

Yeah, those of you who weren't doing something more fun (like, oh say, contracting dysentery, or administering an enema to your kindly old 300 pound Aunt Alberta, or not telling those damn commies a thing as they inserted the bamboo slivers into your urethra) on May 26 1998 may remember sitting in front of Fox T.V. gaping in abject terror as Nick Fury, Non-com for the howling commandos and executive director of the greatest counterterrorist agency te Marvel Universe has ever known was brought to life by...the Man...the Legend..That is THE HOFF. Don't remember?-it was that day the seas filled up with menstrual blood and Tiamat ate your Mom's face?

Goddamit yes, for serious-do you not see the word "SRSLY" up there in plain English? I'm not fooling around here.

After years of self-imposed exile in the Yukon (!?!?!the fuck-maybe he has a time share with Wolverine or something??????) following the cold war, Fury returns as the head of the S.H.I.E.L.D to fight HYDRA-now being led by the chidren of Baron Von Strucker (one of whom is the Viper-who in canon was originally called Madame Hydra but then changed it to The Viper and in this movie is heading Hydra-so she's called: The Viper. Is anyone paying attention at this point? Does anybody really care?? It's Hasselhoff. David Fucking Hasselhof!!!! as NICK GODDAMNED FURY!!!!! HOLY GOD WHY GOD WHY???????).

Anyhoo.

Yeah they made it and mind-bogglingly enough actually brought a lot of the original Jim Kirby/Stan Lee era SHIELD agents and bad guys including pouty faced plastic surgery disaster and erstwhile Veronica Mars MILF Lisa Rinna as Fury's love interest Countess Valentina AllegraDe la Fontaine and a handful of has-beens and also-rans who were just glad to have the work for that week playing Dum-Dum Dugan, Gabriel Jones, Baron Strucker and Arnim Zola.

Wait a minute?

Arnim Zola?

This Guy?




Yeah.

I'm presuming they played him straight-or you know just really creepy like Brad Dourif. Or a real Dwarf. Or dwarf twins. Or Tim Conway as DORF.

So we don't see a guy with an RCA 22" cathode ray tube embedded in his chest?

No. No I'm thinking we don't.


But we do get to see this:




AAAAAGHAAAHGHHHAHAHAAAHHHAAHGGGHHHHH!!! IT BRNS!!! WHY CHUKULTEH WHY???

So yeah, the Strucker brats invent an evil virus and Fury has to save the day and then some asshole in a suit at a studio who has never read a comic in his life not even that time he was at his cousin's house and the only two things to do were read a twenty year old copy of Betty and Veronica or let his cousin teach him about "blowjobs" and he opted for the blowjob option and twenty very old studio execs a bottle of astroglide and a whole lot of buggery later said:


"Hey Germans love David Hasselhof. Let's get back at them and cast him as a guy who shot a lot of Germans and then won the cold war. He'll wear an eyepatch and OH MY GOD I LOVE PIRATES!!!!"

And then the apocalypse happened. You remember. May 26, 1998. Blood seas? Zombie Neighbors? You had to give that Craig kid down the block an emergency tracheotomy with a sharpened teaspoon?

This guy?



BOO!

Still don't believe me?

Here's the helicarrier-and a frakkin Fox logo. Because God hates you almost as much as he loves Fox.



Okay. You don't remember the apocalypse any better than I do-not really. Because I was just kidding about god hating you-he doesn't and I just want Fox to send me more free shit and movie passes. God loves you so much he made it so that no one watched this shitty thing when it originally aired and thus our souls were not corrupted and the beast did not rise. Cthulu got bored and Yog-sothoth went back to sleep.

BUT

GREAT BIG BUT

September 30th looms-the date some dark fucking underling of the sith of the ninth pit of the third appendix to the thrice cursed necronomicon-who works in distribution at Fox (see-I was just shitting about the free stuff-I'm here to tell the TRUTH)-has set as the DVD release of Nick Fury: Agent of SHEILD (To co-incide with the Iron Man release doncha know).

So warn all your little friends-tell them all, shout it to the skies, hire some hoboes to write it on the city walls and subway corridors-spell it across the sky in glistening tears: DON'T LOOK AT THIS MOVIE. CLOSE YOUR EYES MARION!!!!

Otherwise...well, when the rain of blood falls and becomes a rain of fire and then a rain of ice and then a rain of all the back issues of Brand New Day that didn't sell and then those issues spring up with unholy life and start ass-raping us all to death-WELL DON'T COME CRYING TO ME-I EFFING WARNED ALL YOU BASTARDS!!!!

It's coming for us:

IT'S COMING!!!!!



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