This could be THE YEAR OF THE SUPERHERO (until we see what’s in store for us next year). I don’t think there’s been this many superhero movies in the theater at the same time since days of newsreels and 5 cent matinee serials. The public is clamoring so much for these movies that studios are just making up superheroes, like HANCOCK, just to meet the demand.
But why do that when if you look closely you can find plenty of already existing, superheroes walking amongst us right now. I can name five of them for you just off the top of my head:
1.J. J. ARMS, P.I.-
Jay J. Armes lost his arms in an accident involving explosive railroad signaling devices when he was twelve years old. His prosthetic arms have been described in his humble press release: "Amazingly, Jay can now do more with the fantastic steel claws that have replaced his hands than people with their own hands can do. He can reach into fire, smash through doors, fire bullets with unerring accuracy, cut through metal, fly utilizing a jet pack, scuba dive, pilot a jet -- and he is the master of the deadliest karate chop. No wonder Jay J. Armes is the most famous, most sought after investigator in the world."
His most famous investigation involved the 1972 return of Christian Brando after a custody related kidnapping.
I discovered this armless master of disguise and super-sleuth via his action figure when I was a child and I was fascinated that it was based on a real.Every Sunday I would go into Weingarten’s grocery store, grip the box and imagine the adventures I could have with little J.J., and one day my wish came true.
…about 20 years later when I bought it off eBay. :-(
Currently he and his wife live on a 14 acre compound with a pet tiger and cheetah in El Paso, TX. But when trouble strikes you can bet he rolls out in his Mobile Crime Unit Scramble Van (yes, they did make one).
2.BEN UNDERWOOD- The real-life Daredevil
(not Ben Affleck)
I discovered Daredevil when I was much younger in a pocket-sized digest that reprinted his first meeting with Spider-man. I was fascinated by this superhero with an echo-location power. He is can "see things" with sound and his radar sense.
But when I got older I saw all this as a fun idea but ultimately another load of crap comic book science.
Ben Underwood was diagnosed with retinal cancer at the age of two and had his eyes removed at the age of three. After the surgery he was crying, "I can't see you anymore mommy, I can't see you," and his mother said, "You can smell me, you can hear me and you have got your ears, nose and mouth."
He discovered echo-location at the age of five. He is able to detect the location of objects by making frequent clicking noises with his tongue. He now uses it to accomplish such feats as running, basketball, rollerblading, playing foosball, playing video games, and skateboarding. Later Ben was taught by Dan Kish (Daredevil was taught by an old ninja named “Stick) how to combine a white cane with his echolocation abilities to further expand his capability for mobility.
Don’t believe me? SEE for yourself:
Master of magic? Escape artist supreme? Half Dr. Strange/ Half Mister Miracle?
Brian Brushwood is well-known for his display of bizarre magic, performing fire-eating, escapes, breaking a cinder block over his head, sticking nails in his eyes and nose, sticking needles through his palm, reading minds, and "The Human Crazy Straw".!
…not to mention, inspiring me to create this poster for him:
Brian is a regular on the college circuit and has performed on The Food Network, CNN and The Tonight Show. Brushwood's new internet television show Scam School features quick five minute tips to get free drinks at bars and to impress friends.
Tell me that if one of his tricks helped you score free drinks and a hot chick (or guy), he wouldn’t be your hero.
4.TROY HURTUBISE and his Invincible Bear Armor
Iron Man? Pssh!Tony Stark, eat your heart out!
After surviving a skirmish with a grizzly bear Troy Hurtubise decided to learn as much about grizzlies as he could. He experienced an epiphany while watching RoboCop and he decided to build a robo-bear suit that would be strong enough to survive a close encounter with a bear without harming the occupant. Seven years and $150,000 later, Hurtubise had worked his way up to the Mark VI:
In early 2007, Hurtubise made public his new protective suit- full exoskeleton body suit of armour- which was designed to be worn by soldiers called the "Trojan"! Weighing only 40 lbs, the suit can withstand bullets from high powered weapons (including an elephant gun). Other features include: a solar powered air system, an air-conditioned helmet, recording device, compartments for emergency morphine and salt, and a knife and gun holster.
He estimated cost of each suit would’ve been roughly $2,000 if mass produced. Sadly, Hurtubise received no offers to buy the Trojan and went bankrupt from the expense of creating the suit. He was forced to put the prototype up for auction on eBay in the hopes that it would bring in enough money to sustain his family.The auction's reserve bid was not met and it was sold in a raffle. :-(
Note to self: A key ingredient to being Tony Stark is to first be rich.
5.THE “ZOHANNAS” (for lack of a better name)
Looks like Adam Sandler’s“Zohan” isn’t the only hairdresser/ superhero out there.
Little is known about these mysterious, hairstyling heroines. Only that a robber came into their beauty shop and they picked up whatever was handy- combs, curling irons, brooms, clippers- and they WHIPPED HIS MONKEY @$$!!
Damn, that’s embarrassing. Brother was F.U.B.A.R’d!
Making a movie of this would be easy! You already have a cast and everything leftover from the movie Beauty Shop.
Probably the hardest part would be squeezing Queen Latifah into a pair of tights and a leotard. After that you’re all set.
But that's just myTop Five. How many unsung superheroes can you name?
(-special thanks to Santos, Johnny Neill and especiallyBobaj)