If it's crap ... We'll tell you
So by now you've no doubt heard about the naked pictures circulating the net of Vanessa Hudgens. And, if you're like me and you have a penis, you've already looked at them. It doesn't matter whether or not you know who she is. You've gazed upon her young naked flesh, because, well, someone said "Hey look! Young naked flesh!"
But you've been had. At least, I'm pretty sure you have been. Tonight I was sitting around my parent's basement, thumbing through some porn and the occasional comic book, listening to Leno in the background when he began his nightly rundown of the guests he will have later in the week. And he mentioned Vanessa Hudgens. "Oh, the naked chick from High School: the Musical," I mused.
Then it hit me. The music began playing in my head and I sat there dumbfounded like the Chazz Palmenteri at the end of The Usual Suspects as all the pieces fell into place. The contract negotiation problems with Disney. The O'er hasty acknowledgement of the photo's validity. The sudden appearance on late night television. It hit me hard. "I've seen this once before," I thought. "To a girl named Paris Hilton," a supposedly famous nobody I'd never heard of who became an overnight sensation when everyone in the world got to see how bad she was at giving head.
Dear god. This girl wants to be famous. Bad. And somewhere in the background is the Karl Rove of Hollywood with a still camera and a promise of instant fame. And no matter how blatant this may be, no matter how much I might hate what they're doing, it's working. I know who this girl is now. I've seen her goods. And her ass is gonna show up in something soon, and I'll just have to see it out of morbid curiosity. And so will you.
And thus it has begun. Another starlet has achieved fame not through talent or force of will, but because of smoke, mirrors and cheap trickery. You've been had, suckered in by a pair of nips and some nicely trimmed bush. Welcome to the new Hollywood, folks. And you thought it was sleazy before. Back when actresses just appeared naked when the story called for it…