If it's crap ... We'll tell you
There is something about turning 40 that makes you want to reflect on "the good ol' days". And while 40 isn't really that old, there are a few things that you pick up here and there. Ironically, it's kind of surprising how much you really learn from years of TV. Now, of course "Years of TV" means watching a lot of re-runs from the 50's'-60's shows, growing up with the shows from the 70's-80's and cable-TV channels and internet helping to catch up on the shows from the 90's-today. It's odd, you never really know how much you learn from the "idiot box" until you sit down and actually put together a list of things you've learned. Which I will now share with you here:
1) The most "Valuable" horse seems to never be the fastest, since others on horseback can chase it down.
2) No matter what, wearing a hat/helmet/head-piece will let you fit into any society or security group, regardless of racial differences.
3) The best way to avoid being shot is to ride a horse in a straight line. Since no one expects you to keep going straight, even the guy with the fully-automatic machine gun who is only 25-50 feet behind you.
4) Computer hackers can hack into a system in under 10min.
6) "Can I get you a drink" means either sex, or someone going to try and kill you in the next hour... or both.
7) Whenever looking for a traitor, mole, or "secret assassin", the first person to look at is the spouse/lover of the person looking.... because it's always the last one they look at.
8) Apparently all homeless people in LA are white, have clean white teeth and feathered hair.
9) No matter how well educated, well paid, or socially successful... all Chinese people have a deep believe in superstitious mumbo-jumbo.
10) China must have a shitload of "Jade Dragons" locked away in some warehouse. Because at least once a year, there is always some "Cultural/History display" that has one that must be stolen.
11) No matter how helpful, friendly or loving the "white guy" is.. the only way to make real friends in Chinatown is to expose some crime or hoax.
12) The reason that Americans think all Chinese look alike, is because we will see a guy smuggling humans one year, then see someone that looks just like him leading some "Chinese history" museum/art-collection the next year, then see someone that looks just like him leading the local "Chinese crime syndicate".
13) And yet, even though these people look like, talk alike and even walk alike, they all have different names...so we can only assume (As Americans) that all Chinese must look alike.
14) And on every corner of Chinatown there is a shop or street-vendor that somehow or another knows absolutely every detail about some "mythical creature" or "spiritual being".
15) All "gangs" come in 4 types, the "army-jacket wearing type", the "leather-jacket type", the "blue-jean jacket/biker-jacket type" or the "bandana on the forehead type".
16) But, as soon as you take 4-6 of them into the wilderness with 1 "survival expert" type guy, they'll all be friends by the time they get out of the wilderness.... regardless of social, racial, economic or political factors that made them join the gang in the first place never being addressed or fixed.
17) The word "explosive" is written the same all around the world..... in ENGLISH, even when you are in the Middle East, Asia and South America.
18) Yet, gunpowder, fireworks, dynamite and black powder all use the "local" alphabet when spelled.
19) Guns never need re-loading.
20) One punch, one kick, or one "hit over the head" is sure to knock someone out just as long as you need them to be, even if it's only 15min or up to an hour.
21) And whenever you have to do something "twice" (Like getting something out of a box, placing an item on something, or getting together to form a robot) you will always do it exactly the same way... over and over and over.
22) If you ever feel disappointed in life, or that you are missing out on something... threaten to resign from you job. That way you boss, co-workers, friends and family will spend the next 30min-1hr telling you how great you are at your job and you'll want to stay on the job.
23) Even if that job involves being shot at, stabbed, locked away to die or blown up.
24) Soviet and German police have really shitty cars that can explode at any moment from the slightest impact.
25) But their "secret police" have some really tough cars that can go really fast.
26) Borders in "Communist Russia" era must be really easy to get across, because it always seem to be protected by some kiosk looking building with one or two guys who control the really piss-poor "wooden barrier" across the road.
27) Any car that goes over a cliff higher than 200ft, must explode when it lands.
28) Any "ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend" that you thought was dead, will show back up years later and be involved in some plan to either trick you or kill you.
29) No matter how well planned your "con-job" is, the target will always do something to change the plans in the middle.
30) Which is okay, because your whole plan involved the target changing the plans in the middle of your con, so it's really just part of the bigger plan of the "con-job" to begin with.
31) All hospitals around the world have security guards.
32) All the hospital security guards are oblivious to the fact that some random dude is the "new doctor" just because he puts on a white coat.
33) Whenever someone asks for "Papers", always be sure to include a few $20's or $100's (depending on inflation).
34) No matter how much your boss yells at you, blames you for every screw-up, or makes your job a living hell...Once you invite him to a party he'll become your next best friend forever.
35) The best way to be sure that your boss gets fired and you get his job, is to trick him into some kind of scheme to either steal from the company or get caught in a sex-scandal. Regardless of the fact that he can turn you into the police for blackmailing or planning the whole thing to begin with.
36) Although everyone kid is told "Don't talk to strangers", they sure as hell are bound to talk to the strangers that just showed up in the last hour.
37) Single-parents are always the nicest, kindest, loving people on the face of the Earth. Regardless of the fact that apparently their spouse always seems to have hated them and left, or were somehow killed in a crash or other "strange way".
38) The Mafia has the absolute worst thugs working for them. After all, a multimillion inter-national crime organization can't seem to pay an extra $20bucks a month in sending people to the firing range to learn how to shoot.
39) The best vehicle to escape in is a hot-air balloon. Apparently the lack of directional-control (Other than the winds) and a huge air-filled balloon and wicker basket seem to be bullet-proof since everyone is too surprised to shoot at it, or shoot at it and actually hit anything.
40) Biggest lesson learned from TV. At least ONCE every 2-3 years, you should spend the day recalling everything you've done for the last 2-3years.
So you see, there you go. TV actually CAN be educational. Okay, sure it might not even teach you stuff that you really wanted to know. Or hell, for that matter it might even teach you stuff that doesn't make any damn sense at all. But at the end of the day, at least you learned something from TV after all.