Can I just say that I hate Superman Returns? OH MY GOD!!!! I feel so much better. No one seems to be in my corner on this point. Too often I’m defending an opinion that I feel is more than amply justified. Sometimes I’m afraid of being blacklisted as a communist or terrorist if I say bad things about the movie. If you don’t want to hear me criticize it, or know the ending, don’t read this blog. Presenting my top 10 reasons why I hate Superman Returns.
10. Superman Returns from a pointless journey.
I know Superman is lonely, boo hoo, but I’m sure when Marlon Brando tells you that you’re the last survivor of your planet, that means everyone except you is dead and ashes. And even though it wasn’t stated in the original movie, I’m sure Jorel had the foresight to mention Krypton exploded.
9. Superman the perv.
What is up with stocker Superman? The scene where he’s spying on Lois in her home was two beats short of Lois wondering why there’s gunk on her window that can fly.
8. Waste of time villain.
Why in the world can’t we get an enemy more threatening than Lex Luthor? Considering how many supervillians could actually be dangerous to Superman, choosing Lex is lazy. Lex’s whole plan could’ve been foiled had Superman just locked his door before traveling to another galaxy.
7. Lois in danger. (How ever did she survive without him?)
Superman is going to stop a falling airplane by grabbing the weakest part of the plane. Big surprise when the wing breaks off. Not to mention that a man who can lift an island has trouble with an airplane. I know it was probably too late to catch the wings that broke off the plane, but maybe he should have at least tried to stop them from plowing into a school full of children instead of flirting with Lois.
6. Five year mess.
Although the movie is supposed to take place 5 years in the future, Kate Bosworth and Brandon Routh actually look five years younger than Margo Kidder and Christopher Reeeve. Also, not only had the Jimmy Olsen character fail to progress at all in five years, he’s portrayed as pathetic kiss ass to Clark Kent. I didn’t see him act like that in the original.
5. The weaker actor.
There’s’ nothing particularly wrong with Brandon Routh’s performance except for the fact that it falls short of Christopher Reeves. If the movie had been a re-imagining, then I wouldn’t have cared. Since it’s not, Routh’s performance was boxy and missing charisma. Also, Brandon Routh is no Marlon Brando, so his self-righteous father to son speech at the end was at best lacking. Actually I was squirming in discomfort.
4. Flight cliché.
I’m sure the scene where Superman takes Lois on a flight was supposed to be nostalgic. I don’t know why they had that scene. It was no where near as relevant to the movie as the flight scene in the original. Then they lay on the whole Jesus analogy way too thick. He actually had the nerve to tell Lois he’s doing all this because the world is looking for a savior. I guess he’s no longer just a friend.
3. Childhood disabilities.
Why does the son of Superman have asthma? It must be a cheap ploy to keep you from thinking the kid is Superman’s. That way you can pretend to be surprised when he chucks a piano. These are the same people that gave young Clark Kent eyeglasses. That would imply that Superman actually has poor vision.
2. Secret I dentity BS.
Lets keep in mind that it’s hard enough to keep the suspension of disbelief going considering that Lois can’t tell the difference between a man wearing glasses, and the same guy without glasses. But add the kid recognizing Clark Kent and Superman are the same guy, Clark and Superman arriving back in Metropolis within hours of each other, and Lois discussing the possibility that Clark is Superman with James Marsden, it just becomes too big of a pill to swallow.
1. Kryptonite and the Placebo Effect.
And finally the biggest problem with the flick. Superman is fatally weakened by kryptonite. In the original, he couldn’t even save himself from drowning with a piece of it chained to his neck. In this movie, he can lift an island of the stuff into outer space. Utter bullshit. Look at the set up. That’s what makes the ending turn form ridiculous to odious. Superman confronts Lex, not knowing he’s standing on an island of kryptonite. BS. And Luthor knocks the shit out of him. Then his crew takes turns kicking the crap out of him. Then Luthor stabs him before plummeting to what should be his death. I know what some of you are thinking. I’ve heard this argument twice now. The Island isn’t real kryptonite, so it doesn’t hurt him as much. And that explains why Superman got his ass whooped by four regular guys right? Two minutes later, picks up the island with a shard of real kryptonite imbedded in his side. The reality is, this one scene was so ludicrous, that I didn’t care about the previous 9 gripes until this killed the movie for me. The creators of this film didn’t even have enough respect for the franchise to not turn Superman’s only weakness into placebo.